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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On my way to go get dumped

138 replies

callmehannahbaker · 12/12/2017 09:20

I'm on the bus to go see my boyfriend, all was good until about a week ago.
I have BPD and have recently started working again and am in the process of moving house.
This has meant I've not been practicing my emotional regulation and distress tolerance techniques enough and got down and needy.
Boyfriend is quite new and although he is fully aware that I have BPD I think because I was mainly in control before it has come as a shock and he's realised he can't deal with it.

I'm going to have to deal with this and get my head around the fact that BPD and relationships just don't work for me and I'll have to be single forever.

Sorry for ranting, having a little cry on the bus and needed to do something.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/12/2017 08:16

I don't want to. I love him

Come on. You’re smarter than that. You KNOW you ‘fall in love’ too hard & too fast (trust me, you don’t need BPD to do that! But you know that’s part of why you do it). Right now you FEEL like you love him, but you KNOW with complete separation that feeling will pass.

He might change his mind though

Even if he ‘changed his mind’ tomorrow, he’s not the one for you. You could no longer trust him to be there when things get bad with your BPD. You’d put yourself under MASSES of pressure not to show him you’re not coping & that wouldn’t be good for you. He’s not your ‘lid’ - he’s just a steamer pot! Let him go, you’ll find your lid.

beanabonce · 13/12/2017 08:31

Hi op. I hope you're well rested. I can't help. But if your username is a reference to how you feel, then I get it and you're not alone. Keep talking to us. We're here.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/12/2017 10:51

I second the above, someone will be here around the clock, don't be a stranger. 😄

Original poster
callmehannahbaker · 13/12/2017 13:16

He called to take me out this morning looking for housey bits, we still held hands and it was like always. Very confusing.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 13/12/2017 13:17

The thing I would say is he won't change his mind while you are messaging him..Focus on the positives that are there.

I agree post on here , not to him.. Him hearing it all may make him feel guilty but not make him in the way you want him to.

it is tough..Maybe find the 30 day no contact thread if it is still going might be useful.

UbiquityTree · 13/12/2017 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
callmehannahbaker · 14/12/2017 00:03

I think he got really drunk last night and said things he didn't mean. I think that's why he came today-to follow through on that.

He's been a lot cooler tonight.

This will take me a long time. No one has to stay-I will bounce all over. I'm just going to vent here I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
callmehannahbaker · 14/12/2017 00:04

Also, anyone wondering about the length of a relationship... that really doesn't matter with BPD. Once you're in, you're in.

OP posts:
lottieandmia22 · 14/12/2017 00:09

Why on earth would he do that? It's very unkind. Even someone without BPD would find that confusing.

pinkhorse · 14/12/2017 00:20

He's messing with your head. Keep away from him and look after yourself

UbiquityTree · 14/12/2017 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hollowtree · 14/12/2017 00:30

You're going to be okay OP, you sound amazing. I'm sorry you have to go through this though, you'll find someone who deserves you even if he isn't it.

Original poster
callmehannahbaker · 14/12/2017 00:40

I may have drank some wine. Not text him back for a few hours. I want him to be right. It's so hard.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/12/2017 00:47

Well done - you can do this.

I'm on the other side of the world right now so it's morning here. Everything seems clearer in the morning. It'll be the same for you. Keep on keeping on Thanks

Original poster
callmehannahbaker · 14/12/2017 01:00

He's so lovely.

He makes me do real smiles instead of the fake ones I put on day to day.

He has a lot of issues though, mainly justified bitterness. Some things that scream he's not ready to move on after his last girlfriend.

I want to try the friendship thing. I don't believe in fate but something made me swipe on tinder, message straight away and get my only babysitted night in a year to go see him. We clicked. It was meant to be a one night thing (judge me all you like-I hadn't had sex in 9 months).

We get each other a lot but neither of us are in a relationship place.

He will be soon enough.

I'll still be me with all my issues though.

I should stop.

I know I can't handle loving someone.

Bloody hate being messed up.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/12/2017 04:01

I promise you, loving the right person, will not be so difficult.
Stay around, we'll help you through.
No-one is judging you.🌸

Lovemusic33 · 14/12/2017 07:20

I agree with Sugar, being in love with the right person should be easy, if he was the one he wouldn’t have bottled out. And it’s not just you, it’s not just due to MH issues, most of us have been there. I have been on line dating for years and have though I have met the one several times, the thing with meeting someone on Tinder is you don’t really know them, even after a year or even longer you won’t necessaraly know the real them or their past, it’s easy to get caught in the moment, to fall in love too quickly and get hurt.

lottieandmia22 · 14/12/2017 10:09

I actually think that anyone with something like BPD, or is autistic (like me) or has anything else that makes us vulnerable should avoid dating apps like Tinder. Although I haven't always followed my own advice.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 14/12/2017 13:25

I’m certainly not judging you, my house is made of glass! 😁

We will be here while you bounce all over. We will say things you don’t want to hear, but just remember, we are trying to help.

You’re not doing yourself any favours hanging onto him like this and allowing him to mess you around. Your rational side knows this. You are making the decision to be confused & to get hurt by him. You have BPD, but it’s not impossible to make healthier decisions for yourself. On the way to his house you were very clear, if this was over, he needed to remove you from his SM. Nothing has changed, except you didn’t make him do that.

He has a child & he has other issues in his life. He’s not emotionally stable or available enough to be the right lid for your pot.

You have a choice, accept that now & move on or wait while he confuses & hurts you again & again and then finally finishes with you in a very hurtful way.

From an outside point of view it’s clear that there’s not going to be a ‘happy ending’ with this guy, whether you accept it yet or not.

UbiquityTree · 14/12/2017 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
callmehannahbaker · 17/12/2017 04:24

My friend came over tonight... she saw him on tinder 3 weeks ago. He's been playing me all this time anyway.

OP posts:
BrokenBattleDroid · 17/12/2017 04:39
Flowers

That's crappy of him, sorry you had to find out from your friend like that. I guess he'd been building up to ending things for a while then (no excuse to be back on tinder until he had though).

Forget him, he was never right for you anyway Flowers

Lovemusic33 · 17/12/2017 08:58

Look at it this way, you had a lucky escape, he would probably happily cheat on you and I’m sure he will do the same to his new girlfriend, feel sorry for her as she will be getting her heart broken too.

lottieandmia22 · 17/12/2017 10:14

Oh that's awful. But at least you found out the truth and hopefully make you realise you can do a lot better Thanks

SweetBerries · 17/12/2017 10:26

Callme - I need to tell you a few things about this situation. Because you won’t see it clearly. Not because of your BPD but because you are in it. I understand this because it JUST happened to me.

I don’t have BPD but I do have an eating disorder that I was managing just fine. I was healthy and happy with this man. And then one day I struggled emotionally because I was off work and two days later he dumped me. He proceeded to try and be friends with me, ended up telling me he still loved me and we slept together. Turned out all of that was a lie to ‘help my eating disorder’. He always told me that he didn’t want any relationship, wanted to sort himself out first...the sex only stopped when he met a girl and a few days later was in a relationship with her.

This man you are describing is just not the person for you. He sounds shallow, self-absorbed and frankly quite cruel. I know you love him. I am the same, I fall very fast. But a part of that is dependency and your fear that nobody else will want you. I am also 32 and a single mother and it is hard. But think about what you would say to your child in this situation. I’m certain it would be what I would say: ‘if he doesn’t accept all of you, then you don’t accept any of him’.

The Tinder thing is rubbish but I also have experience of that with my ex and I know how it hurts. But none of this is you. You still are the person he met and if he’s not enough to cope with the wonderful human you are, you don’t need his friendship. You need to cut him out. At least for a period of time to get yourself happy being on your own and then maybe contact him again about friendship if you WANT to. There’s no requirement for that.

Do not think BPD makes you unlovable. I have known many many people with BPD in lasting, loving relationships. And the right ones HELP those people. They don’t make it worse. And that’s what he is doing.

You will hurt, you will be anxious. But you need to chop him out of your life. At least for now. Xxx

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