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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD - my mother having sex

164 replies

Tokenjester · 05/11/2017 07:46

Not sure how to handle this, so I need your advice. I just found out that my children have regularly seen & heard their grandmother & her partner have sex when they stay at her house.

I am so disgusted with my mother at the absolute disrespect she has shown my children. It is not like they see her often - surely she could keep her legs shut for a couple of days twice a year.

We don’t have a good relationship - very superficial- we are very different women - so this is potentially the final nail in the coffin .... how can I tell her I know in a measured way without opening Pandora’s box? I’m so pissed off that my then 8 yr old had sex explained to him by his sibling having seen his granny having sex.

My first reaction is to phone her up and bollock her & say she’s never seeing them again. For god’s sake they have said they prefer staying at her house rather than the partners because she shuts the door.... they have normalised this behaviour.

Vile- but what should I do- what would you do???

OP posts:
category12 · 05/11/2017 08:03

That falls under the definition of non-contact sexual abuse.

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/11/2017 08:04

What do you mean by seen? They've got up from bed and walked in on them or something else? As for heard, how do they know that's what they're hearing?

Annoyed5678 · 05/11/2017 08:06

Eeww just eeww

I'd tell her straight as its affected your kids

CatsCatsCats11 · 05/11/2017 08:07

I really want to know how they have seen etc.

lostlilly · 05/11/2017 08:09

So they sometime do it without even shutting the bedroom door!? It sounds almost like they don’t care about the children seeing/hearing them.
That is abusive, neglectful and so irresponsible. There is no way I’d let them look after my children behaving like that I’m sorry.

FrancisCrawford · 05/11/2017 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flumpybear · 05/11/2017 08:11

That’s vile - how old are your children, not that it matters but just wondered if they’d know what was happening

bastardkitty · 05/11/2017 08:14

You don't have to andwer any questions here, but I would take into account the circumstances and whether or not your mother has been careless/inappropriate/negligent/abusive in her actions. Have you considered calling NSPCC to talk this through and seek guidance? I was put in this position by ny mother and would never have let her do this to my children (NC now). I would stop unsupervised or overnight contact. Depending on the circumstances, I may well decide on no contact. Whatever changes you decide to make, I would advise in writing or via email and be very explicit about the reasons, in case she is grandiose enough to pursue a court order. I'm sorry - you seem really ahocked and upset Flowers

Somersetter · 05/11/2017 08:14

I wouldn't let her have them overnight again, because it would make me question her boundaries - she shouldn't need someone to tell her this is not ok.

newdaylight · 05/11/2017 08:15

Obviously it's an issue but like pp have said, it's important to know how they've seen it

Humpsfor20yards · 05/11/2017 08:15

They have regularly seen her have sex a couple of days twice a year?

MamaOfTwos · 05/11/2017 08:15

Another one saying it's actually a form of abuse Angry

fusspot66 · 05/11/2017 08:18

I would be very concerned that he, the partner, wants the chidden to.see and that this is abuse. Speak.to.the NSPCC or SS. Urgently.

Original poster
Tokenjester · 05/11/2017 08:21

Thank you for your replies. The first time it happened, the kids had woken up early and were going downstairs to watch tv. The door was open & they could see and hear what was going on. My eldest was 11 & so had an inkling about what was going on. My youngest was 8 & confused. It’s all been in the bedroom - but that is not the point.

I am just raging.

I have internet security set on the highest levels, I regularly check my eldest child’s phone so that I know what he’s looking at & he’s safe & then I find out that this has been going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tokenjester · 05/11/2017 08:24

Hi Humps - she has them for a few days during school holidays - so yes, regularly refers to it has happened on every occasion she’s had them since the first time they saw her.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2017 08:25

Abuse? A type of grooming? Stupidity and lust?

How come the children saw them having sex? I’m kind of assuming it wasn’t behind a closed door at midnight. Is that correct?

Humpsfor20yards · 05/11/2017 08:27

That's horrendous.

Original poster
Tokenjester · 05/11/2017 08:33

Thanks bastardkitty, yes, they are definitely not going to stay over again.

I am just trying to keep it together so the kids don’t think that they have caused the resulting fireworks. They only just revealed what they’ve seen because they thought i’d Be upset about my mother having sex with someone who isn’t my dad..... they divorced in 1980 & he’s been dead over 10 years... but that’s kids isn’t it- trying to do the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tokenjester · 05/11/2017 08:34

Mummyoflittle- I think it’s because she’s just so selfish & doesn’t think of others.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 05/11/2017 08:41

It absolutely is - bless them for not wanting to upset you. Also they may have been worried about getting grandma into trouble. It's important to reassure them they they were absolutely right to tell you (I'm sure you've done this already) and that you are a bit shocked. Then I would try and leave it to one side and seek guidance and make decisions away from them. You obviously have good boundaries yourself and I think they knew this would be a problem.

Belleoftheball8 · 05/11/2017 08:43

So they witnessed her having sex in her bedroom because her door was slightly adjar or did they open the door?

bastardkitty · 05/11/2017 08:44

Don't start minimising. The door was open.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2017 08:47

Ah bless them for trying to protect you. ❤️

Well if your mother is selfish and doesn’t think of others, I’d be doing supervised contact or just for a couple of hours. Is that possible?

Part of me feels that I wouldn’t want my children to be around her anymore. However, it does sound stupidity rather than malicious.

My mother is a far better grandmother than mother. But something, which happened earlier this year, meant that dh and I weren’t comfortable for her to have my 9yo to stay over the last summer holidays. Dd stayed with her overnight once two years ago and for two nights last year. I didn’t trust her until I thought dd could stick up for herself. But I’ve now revised my decision.

BWatchWatcher · 05/11/2017 08:47

So your mother isn't allowed to have sex?
I take it you have sex? This is bizarre. People have sex in their own houses. Just ask her to close the door and tell your kids not to be so nosey. Or hey! Talk to them about sex.

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/11/2017 08:48

I think a lot here depends on your relationship. If they got up early and the door was open that seems to be a bit of a mistake. If the relationship were a good one I'd speak to her about it. It's not though and I think that has an impact.

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