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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD - my mother having sex

164 replies

Tokenjester · 05/11/2017 07:46

Not sure how to handle this, so I need your advice. I just found out that my children have regularly seen & heard their grandmother & her partner have sex when they stay at her house.

I am so disgusted with my mother at the absolute disrespect she has shown my children. It is not like they see her often - surely she could keep her legs shut for a couple of days twice a year.

We don’t have a good relationship - very superficial- we are very different women - so this is potentially the final nail in the coffin .... how can I tell her I know in a measured way without opening Pandora’s box? I’m so pissed off that my then 8 yr old had sex explained to him by his sibling having seen his granny having sex.

My first reaction is to phone her up and bollock her & say she’s never seeing them again. For god’s sake they have said they prefer staying at her house rather than the partners because she shuts the door.... they have normalised this behaviour.

Vile- but what should I do- what would you do???

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner1 · 05/11/2017 10:53

Can you not just call your mother and ask what she was thinking ? Rather than all the conjecture?
If she says ‘oh my god I’m mortified ‘ ‘We’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again. ‘. OR ‘Fgs it’s only sex - get over it’

That will tell you all you need to know.

Mishappening · 05/11/2017 10:56

This is very clearly inappropriate.

If it were me I would explain to the children that sex is something wonderful that loving couples share, but it is something that is done in private; and that your mother is wrong to leave the door open so that they can see. Tell them that you will arrange for them not to spend nights there any more as you are not happy about this; and that they were absolutely right to tell you; and that if anything else in any context is of concern to them they must tell you.

Try not to openly fall out with your mother in their hearing as they will feel responsible for the rift. Just don't ask her to have them there again with no comment.

What prize pillocks your mother and her partner are.

PickAChew · 05/11/2017 11:01

So they got up early one morning and saw it, or it happens all the time? You've said both, so now I'm confused.

ssd · 05/11/2017 11:07

what do you mean they prefer staying at grandmas house as at least the door is shut....where else do they stay?

ssd · 05/11/2017 11:12

They have said that they prefer staying at their grandmas house because at least she shuts the door- but they can still hear

NoSquirrels · 05/11/2017 11:13

They have said that they prefer staying at their grandmas house because at least she shuts the door- but they can still hear.

What does that mean, OP?

It sounds really worrying.

If the grandparents of my DC couldn't abstain from sex for a couple of days once or twice a year when children were staying, I'd be pretty fucking unimpressed and not letting them stay alone without me.

ssd · 05/11/2017 11:15

I'm getting weird vibes from this, where else do they stay that the door isnt shut when gran is having sex?? Confused

Original poster
Tokenjester · 05/11/2017 11:16

To clarify:

They were staying at the partner’s house they saw them having sex. Since then they have heard them having loud sex.

It’s all in the thread. They have stayed with their grandmother for two or three nights twice per year. Occasionally this stay has been at her pRtner’s house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tokenjester · 05/11/2017 11:17

My mother has been with her partner for over 5 years.

OP posts:
MattBerrysHair · 05/11/2017 11:19

It sounds very dodgy to me. People don't 'forget' to close the door when having sex when they have others in the house. They just don't. So either the gm and her partner are really really stupid or really really perverted. Either way, don't have your dc go there again and explain that it is not normal to leave the door open when having sex so others can see, as it's private. I wouldn't bother trying to salvage your relationship with your dm. Someone who's boundaries are as messed up as this will not listen. In fact, I would report it to the police.

ssd · 05/11/2017 11:20

oh God, just re read the op and seen this

For god’s sake they have said they prefer staying at her house rather than the partners because she shuts the door.... they have normalised this behaviour

so grans partner is fine with the door being open when they have sex and gran doesnt seem to mind either? I bet he's pissed off when they are at grans house and she tries to shut the door.....

run for the fucking hills op and make sure your children are nowhere near this couple again

read Tammys posts and take it all on board

and reward your children's trust in you for telling you by believing them and never let the near gran again

schoolgaterebel · 05/11/2017 11:20

If you were staying with them for a visit would your DM have (frequently) had sex with the door open for all to see and hear, I doubt it.

I find it concerning that they couldn't abstain from sex for a few days a year.

I wonder about the partner (does their GM take them to stay over at his house too?)

Your DM obviously has very poor judgement, lack of boundaries and zero respect for your DC, for that reason I would not be allowing her to have them again.

Bubblebubblepop · 05/11/2017 11:24

I would cut contact and tell her why. I am Shock at people suggesting you call SS/ NSPCC- why on earth would you do that?!

AnnaleeP · 05/11/2017 11:25

Some really weird reactions here from pps.

I think you're dead right to be concerned OP. And some of you responding really need to recognise that this is abusive behaviour full stop. No excuses, no justifications, no minimising.

meowimacat · 05/11/2017 11:26

Tokenjester I honestly don't think I would trust the partner. 5 years or not, seriously it is just WEIRD to keep the door open and the fact that they only do this at his house makes me wonder why. They must hear the children and continue. Absolutely vile. I never allow my parents to watch my children, but for different reasons - they just aren't very clued up to safety etc. used to be extremely strict with me growing up, but for some reason now they've just let everything go and don't care. I think you'll just have to take them over on the occasions you visit, and then make the hour trip back with them. That's what I do. I don't even know if it's worth explaining why you don't want them over now (although i'd be partial to going absolutely nuts at her), but it might just be worth saying if she asks why they aren't coming to stay etc. I would also be questioning the children about her partner and making sure there wasn't anything weird going on there.

ssd · 05/11/2017 11:27

your DM is with a man who is probably a child abuser, either is/has been/or would like to be

RUN

I'm sorry but I cant believe this isnt the first thing you thought, are you worried about upsetting your mother by actually asking her about it or are you upset your kids won't have the gran figure you wanted for them?

I can understand you're upset at all this, but surely your first thought was my kids wont be going anywhere near these fuckers again??

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 05/11/2017 11:27

That's disgusting and so far beyond inappropriate I'm actually speechless. There is no way I'd let them stay there again.

JaneEyre70 · 05/11/2017 11:43

Having sex with kids in the house is perfectly normal when they are your children. Grandchildren, visiting kids - that's plain weird and I would be very concerned about any contact with any relatives partner that wanted to have sex with the door open when kids are there. That isn't right on any level.

reflexfaith · 05/11/2017 11:43

I also think there's a good chance that the man is getting extra sexual pleasure from knowing that the children are seeing and hearing what's going on
People get turned on by knowing that they are being watched having sex, it follows that pedophiles will get turned on by knowing that children are witnessing them having sex

Trafalgarxxx · 05/11/2017 11:45

The major problem I have with that is that it happened IN THE MORNING when the children WENT DOWNSTAIRS so there is no way the OP’s mother and her partner don’t know that the dcs are aware about them hav8ng sex.

I would say that if the dcs have seen them several times, I dint think they are not aware about that either.

I mean, most parents would be aware that their dcs could have heard them (let alone seen them because the door was left wide open!) and then act accordingly.
So they are more careful, less noise, later at night etc...
They are also aware of the time the dcs get up the am etc...

For me, this smacks of either being deliberate ( chilling thought tbh) or having no boundaries at all.
In either case, it needs to be addressed.

NoSquirrels · 05/11/2017 11:48

In terms of the DC, and not wanting them to be upset for "telling", it sounds as if you can just avoid having them stay again alone without you, as it's so infrequent. They don't need to know they're not "allowed" to stay any more - you can just engineer the situation to avoid it being an option.

As to confronting your mother, will it help? Do you owe her an explanation? I would absolutely WANT to shower my outrage and disgust, but she sounds as if she has no boundaries or ethics, and do will probably tell the DC something upsetting, and then it will all be ruined.

So perhaps don't bother- just never ever let them be alone with your DM and her DP (he sounds dodgy AF) and don't have the confrontation. If she asks directly for the DC to stay of course you'll need to say why not, but otherwise just distance yourself and your DC as much as possible m.

You need to protect them more than you need to justify yourself to your DM.

Jux · 05/11/2017 11:49

SSD I suspect that was op’s first though, but as it’s her mum she just wants to check she’s NBU - it’s a big step from lc to nc, isn’t it.

OP, I suspect also that your own childhood has set uncertain boundaries, but be under no illusion: once is a mistake which you ensure never happens again. As it’s happening every time, and apparently at the partner’s house the door remains open (is there a door at all?) then what partner is up to is not normal.

Yes, do as SSD says and run!

DiegoMadonna · 05/11/2017 11:53

Not knowing they get up early once is a mistake. Leaving your door open once is a mistake.

Continuing to do it in the early morning, with the door open, is not a mistake.

Anybody arguing otherwise is being deliberately obtuse and argumentative.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/11/2017 11:54

I hope your children have told you everything OP, this is just so very wrong.
Get on the phone and speak to your Mother, she needs to hear what you have to say.
I would speak to someone about this first though, so that you are better informed, and your words 'carry some clout'.
What a horrible situation to be in.💐

🌺 For you Tammy.

TammyswansonTwo · 05/11/2017 12:17

Thank you ladies Flowers

I think it's perfectly normal to give close relatives the benefit of the doubt, and hope that you're overreacting. That's precisely how abusers get away with things for so long.

I am not saying it's guaranteed that the DM and her partner (who sets off my internal sirens immediately, to be honest) are child abusers who have or will abuse these children. I'm saying, there's a chance that this is not an innocent mistake, and that chance increases every time there's another incident.

For a few years during my abuse, I would beg my mum not to send me to my dads. I never told her why, just that I didn't want to go. She didn't know why, and told me I had to go or he would stop paying maintenance, which inadvertently made it much harder for me to tell her the truth.

OP - are the kids at all reluctant to go? Have they asked for visits to be cancelled?