WWYD - my mother having sex

[Tokenjester]

Not sure how to handle this, so I need your advice. I just found out that my children have regularly seen & heard their grandmother & her partner have sex when they stay at her house.

I am so disgusted with my mother at the absolute disrespect she has shown my children. It is not like they see her often - surely she could keep her legs shut for a couple of days twice a year.

We don’t have a good relationship - very superficial- we are very different women - so this is potentially the final nail in the coffin .... how can I tell her I know in a measured way without opening Pandora’s box? I’m so pissed off that my then 8 yr old had sex explained to him by his sibling having seen his granny having sex.

My first reaction is to phone her up and bollock her & say she’s never seeing them again. For god’s sake they have said they prefer staying at her house rather than the partners because she shuts the door.... they have normalised this behaviour.

Vile- but what should I do- what would you do???

Does the word hypocrit mean anything to you?

Not spelled like that, it doesn't.

It IS a child protection concern. It's not for people reporting concerns to decide whether or not issues meet the threshold for action. As already stated by PPs, there maybe other children to consider or wider circumstances. I suggested a call to NSPCC. This is because they offer guidance and advice. Posters do not always post the full details on MN. They may also, having decided on a broad course of action, want to run it past a professional. Some of the posters on MN who claim expertise in child protection are frankly clueless. For anyone who thinks it's okay to let their grandchildren watch them having sex and that posters shouldn't be so judgy, you have major boundary issues and you are sexually inappropriate.

*Why would you involve NSPCC and SS when you can deal with this swiftly and effectively within your own family?

Tell your mother her behaviour was inappropriate/wrong/unacceptable and ensure your children are not left alone with her again. That is it.

That really isn't it. Abusers rely on attitudes like this to get away with doing horrific things. Brushing things under the carpet and 'keeping it in the family' means abusers face no consequences. I'm not saying that the OP's dm or her partner are definitely abusers, but given the situation I would want it to be investigated to make sure. There may be children exposed to this behaviour on the partners side.

Aw, thanks for the patronising faux concern Tammy.

Going on exactly what the OP said and not extrapolating. No previous child sex abuse concerns (OP would surely have mentioned). DC woke up early in a house not used to having DC there and adults were having sex and the door was open and children were on their way downstairs and saw.

We don't know how early in the morning or how or why the door was open. No suggestion DC said anything about that to anyone or told the adults they saw that they'd seen them.

On other occasions same adults were having sex and DC heard with door closed. Again, no suggestion DC said they heard it to anyone.

DC don't live there.

SS have to make difficult decisions every day based on actual likely risk to DC. Does this fit in non contact sexual abuse? Is it encouraging children to watch sexual activity? Is it failing to prevent children being exposed to sexual activity?

If you think it falls into failing to prevent children being exposed to sexual activity, do you think it's different to any child waking up early and inadvertently seeing their own parents having sex because a door was open for whatever reason and then hearing sex on other occasions?

These are questions to be considered. It isn't just about whether you think it's weird or inappropriate or abuse or not.

I think this is pretty weird.

Did she do this when you were growing up? Regularly leave door open and make lots of noise during sex?
If not then there is something going on with her partner and their relationship that her behaviour and attitudes have changed so much.

It's a bit like 'we do what we want and sod everyone else, whatever age'.

Faux concern? Pretty sure I haven't shown any of that, or patronised you either.

How does she know whether there are any previous concerns, especially with her mum's partner? She wouldn't have a clue. Spouses most often don't have a clue.

WUB

bastardkitty it's not about whether this is a SS matter as in whether or not they can deal with it.

The point is for OP to involve SS she would be reporting HERSELF and launching a investigation into her own family. Why on earth would anyone think that was a better course of action than simply ending contact?!

Not really sure why you're directing that at me.

Because you stated that it is a child protection issue and OP should phone the NSPCC to report it

I didn't say report it. I was suggesting OP could talk to them for guidance. But it is a child protection issue. It's a question of whether the OP needs any guidance from services to safeguard her children and really, it doesn't seem she does. But some of the posters on this thread couldn't recognise a safeguarding issue if it bit them on the arse.

Only read pages 1 and 7,, Is it just me? If i were staying over at someone elses house i wouldn't be having sex in their spare bed. (if this is what happened!). I think for it to be intended abuse, they would have to reasonably expect that they believed that they would be observed/watched. Either way its less than ideal and disrespectful as a minimum.

what are you going to do op?