WWYD - my mother having sex

[Tokenjester]

Not sure how to handle this, so I need your advice. I just found out that my children have regularly seen & heard their grandmother & her partner have sex when they stay at her house.

I am so disgusted with my mother at the absolute disrespect she has shown my children. It is not like they see her often - surely she could keep her legs shut for a couple of days twice a year.

We don’t have a good relationship - very superficial- we are very different women - so this is potentially the final nail in the coffin .... how can I tell her I know in a measured way without opening Pandora’s box? I’m so pissed off that my then 8 yr old had sex explained to him by his sibling having seen his granny having sex.

My first reaction is to phone her up and bollock her & say she’s never seeing them again. For god’s sake they have said they prefer staying at her house rather than the partners because she shuts the door.... they have normalised this behaviour.

Vile- but what should I do- what would you do???

Anybody arguing otherwise is being deliberately obtuse and argumentative.

No because a lot depends on whether they actually know. If they continue to do it after realising or being told then that is a different matter entirely.

People are suggesting SS or the NSPCC because it is potentially non-contact sexual abuse.

If my children ever saw or heard me having sex accidentally I would make damn sure it never, ever happened again. If your mother gave a shit, she would be that mortified that she wouldn’t risk having sex again for the few days they were with her, never mind shut the door.

This is very concerning. They both know that your children have seen and heard them having sex, and yet they have taken no action to stop it happening again. I’m fact, they know that if they continue to leave the door open then actually the chances are that they will definitely be caught by your children again sooner or later. Please never send them there again.

"People are suggesting SS or the NSPCC because it is potentially non-contact sexual abuse."

The OP is posting this so she can safeguard her children against this.

SS' action will be to ensure the children dont have contact anymore. OP can already do this without them.

The OP just needs to talk to her Mother and stop visits if she thinks necessary or even if she just wants to.

There are so many different possibilities here and so many different opinions and attitudes.

There was a thread here in just the last week about an OP and her family having to stay long term with her Father and wanting to know how she would have sex with her partner while sharing a room with a primary school child. Lots of posters saying they have had quiet sex with their sleeping child in the room and there often being limited opportunities when you have children and that being very normal globally (parents living around the world in only one room so obviously children potentially hearing/seeing it at any age).

There is absolutely no guarantee that the child is asleep and not hearing sex happening. Some posters said they couldn't feel comfortable doing that but there was no suggestion I saw that that is child abuse.

This situation may be or it might not be. All the OP can do is stop contact if she wants - no one would argue with that.

No, SS won’t automatically stop contact. They will offer support to the OP and her children, and her mother if necessary, and signpost to other agencies if required.

If there is more to this, they will help to safeguard any other children the OPs mother and her partner come in to contact with. The OP can’t do that. It could mean multiple agencies become involved, or it could be that no further action is taken, but there’s no harm in taking some advice if the OP feels it’s necessary.

The difference Brian is that the grandparents have already been caught and continue to leave the door open. It’s not the same as parents having sex quietly in the same room as a child they believe to be sleeping. If they became aware the child was awake, they’d stop surely? The grandparents haven’t done this, they’ve continued knowing that they are being seen and heard. That is concerning.

A quiet word might be all it takes, it might be completely innocent, but equally it might not.

Bifs - I didn't see that from the thread. I read that once the door was ajar and on other occasions the door was shut but the children heard.

I'm not saying it's okay but if the DC haven't mentioned it to OP till now, I haven't read that the GM was aware she'd been 'caught' on the occasion the door was open nor that a door open situation happened again. And I've just reread all the OPs posts.

OPs post

To clarify:

They were staying at the partner’s house they saw them having sex. Since then they have heard them having loud sex.

It’s all in the thread. They have stayed with their grandmother for two or three nights twice per year. Occasionally this stay has been at her pRtner’s house.

I'm not saying this is fine but the OP isn't saying there has been repeated sex with the door open. Nor is there a suggestion that the GM knew she'd been seen on the first occasion.

The kids were already up and she knew the door had been open (stop with this minimising 'ajar' nonsense) during sex so she must have had some idea they could have been seen, and yet they've continued to have noisy, indiscreet sex within their earshot. The kids saying they'd rather stay at grandmas as the door gets closed there honestly sends shivers down my spine as a former victim. These are not tiny children, they know what's happening, and are most likely still being guarded to some extent with what they're saying. If they were totally unaware of the context and it was a simple mistake they'd have mentioned it previously and innocently, but they've clearly had difficulties raising it. It's very concerning.

I would never let them stay overnight again. Never

Bifs- i didn't say they would stop contact? Anyway what's the point?

OP: hello SS? I am concerned my children has seen my mum having sex with her partner. I am not fussed about maintaining contact and they only see her twice a year anyway. So I'll just stop sending them shall I?

What positive help do you reckon SS will offer next?

Why would you involve NSPCC and SS when you can deal with this swiftly and effectively within your own family?

Tell your mother her behaviour was inappropriate/wrong/unacceptable and ensure your children are not left alone with her again. That is it.

Then it is for you to go online, educate yourself about this issues involved. Read up. Open a conversation with your children about sex, what is appropriate, ask them how they feel, teach them about boundaries.

Then it is up to you to decide how you feel about your mother and what contact you want moving forwards.

It isn't nice what has happened but you can turn this in to an opportunity to be open with your children, grow together and strengthen their knowledge that you are there for them and their happiness.

Exactly user. Blimey who would report themselves to SS when they don't need to?

Did someone mention obtuse?

SS would not be interested anyway (not where I live and I do report to them and I have a high threshold for reporting and am still surprised by what doesn't meet their threshold).

Tammy has said it all. This kind of inappropriate behaviour around children is something that came up on the first ever course I did as a foster carer.

they thought i’d Be upset about my mother having sex with someone who isn’t my dad..... they divorced in 1980 & he’s been dead over 10 years... but that’s kids isn’t it- trying to do the right thing
some thing about this bit does not sit right with me. However, your DC have now communicated with you.

Now communicate with your DM (she will probably be horrified they saw, and that the house is less sound proof than she thought. Then again she might not be). If you do not want them to stay with her again, fair enough. Please communicate.

If you don't wish to communicate with your DM or if you are not happy that your DM is sleeping with another man, try not to let this affect the DC; go gently low contact. You are the adult, you should be protecting your DC not the other way around.

Disturbing. OP I would go NC

Puppy - I don't think your course was talking about this sort of situation. It wouldn't meet the threshold for SS intervention in the absence of other concerns so I don't think this was really what they meant.

As you say you have kids plural I assume you have committed the same hideous act and had sex when your elder kids were in the house...

Does the word hypocrit mean anything to you?

She is a grown woman. She is allowed to have sex in her own house. Ywbvu to suggest otherwise.

As for door open, it's not ideal but it is hardly abuse.

wheresthel1ght
Are you saying you’d be happy for your dcs to be subjected to this behaviour. I certainly bloody wouldn’t. It’s grooming behaviour.

It's hypocrite. As it goes.

Noimbrian - she didn't say the course was discussing what should be reported to SS. I have no doubt that things like this were covered in training for foster carers, because it's a massive indicator for direct sexual abuse.

The more I think about this, the more I think that this has been brought up with them by your DM and she's convinced them not to tell you. Their explanation for their reason not to tell you doesn't sound like a child's understanding of adult relationships, although I could be totally wrong.

So sorry you're dealing with this OP - have you contacted her yet?

l1ght, you're utterly clueless. Unbelievable.

Brian, sorry but yes the course discussed this sort of situation as a form of abuse that some kids are put through.