WWYD - my mother having sex

[Tokenjester]

Not sure how to handle this, so I need your advice. I just found out that my children have regularly seen & heard their grandmother & her partner have sex when they stay at her house.

I am so disgusted with my mother at the absolute disrespect she has shown my children. It is not like they see her often - surely she could keep her legs shut for a couple of days twice a year.

We don’t have a good relationship - very superficial- we are very different women - so this is potentially the final nail in the coffin .... how can I tell her I know in a measured way without opening Pandora’s box? I’m so pissed off that my then 8 yr old had sex explained to him by his sibling having seen his granny having sex.

My first reaction is to phone her up and bollock her & say she’s never seeing them again. For god’s sake they have said they prefer staying at her house rather than the partners because she shuts the door.... they have normalised this behaviour.

Vile- but what should I do- what would you do???

Sound advice, thank you bastardkitty.

bastardkittyI’m not minisimg it wasn’t as if they were going at it in the kitchen was it? They were two adults having sex in their bedroom, the door was open it was a mistake but if we never had sex when the dc were in the house we never would. We also had the 4year old walk in she’s an early raiser and just stopped and didn’t make a big deal about it.

Notalotta- I agree to some extent with you; however, if it was a one-off occasion- but apparently it’s every night or morning- to the point that the kids aren’t shocked - they prefer it when she shuts the door.... wtf .....a child’s preference should be chocolate or vanilla ice-cream - not whether their grandmother shuts the door when she’s shagging.

I was abused by my father when I was little (think it started around 8 but may have been earlier) and he used to do stuff like this too - made it very difficult to understand boundaries, caused me no end of emotional problem as a child and as an adult,

Whether there's a disturbing motive for this or not (how well do you know her partner, any chance he is behind this for example?) it's totally unacceptable. I didn't tell my mum for years as didn't want to cause trouble. Kids are very astute and concerned for their parents, and if they are abusers they'll be very good and getting it kept a secret. I'm not saying for a second that anything else has happened to your kids but I would be very worried about escalation - decent adults would not do this. It took me a long time to realise this even though it's perfectly obvious as an adult: even if you made a dreadful mistake once, you'd do everything in your power to make sure it never happened again. This is why I find this situation concerning.

I'd tell her what you know and that she will no longer have contact with them without you present. I'd also be having a big discussion with them about not keeping secrets, never being in trouble for being honest with you, and boundaries. Be very careful not to talk about sex as something shameful and disgusting, though - that can cause issues of its own. Just make it clear that it's something very private that only adults do, and anyone who tries to involve them or touch them before then is not to be trusted.

I'm so sorry this has happened, I would be beyond livid. If my MIL did this, it would be the end of her having contact with my children.

That's actually gross.

Sex is natural but it should be hidden from kids. I've had other people's kids come to stay and would never dream of doing it then. There's a time and a place. Doors shut. And kids asleep.

I wouldn't be letting her have them again. Exposing kids to sex is a form of child abuse. Once can be a mistake, child wakes up. But how often that's described is not an accident. No respect for you or your DC

hugs OP

You offered two options Belle - the door was ajar or the children opened it. OP said the door was open, so there is also the possibility that the door was just left open. So yes, I think you are minimising. You are also assuming it was accidental. It may or may not have been. Either way, there is a boundary issue.

You have a poor relationship with your mother and you say yourself you think it's the 'final nail in the coffin' so there's no much investment there to protect it from your side. I'm sure you have your reasons and they're valid.

Do what's best for your children. If they want to have a relationship with their grandmother and you think they will benefit from that then, for the few times a year that they would see her, you can do a supervised visit somewhere.

Your comment about your mother 'keeping her legs shut' is vile though.

Time for a frank conversation with your mother.

Do you need them to stay there in the holidays for childcare reasons?

Tammy xxx thank you for your message & I agree with everything you have said xxx the kids ordinarily tell me everything, & i’m shocked this hasn’t been spoken about before.

It’s a screaming example how kids feel unable to speak out about thinks due to false loyalties.

That's grim

Never let them stay there overnight again and tell her exactly why.

Weird reaction, why so prudish? Can you not just tell her the kids know and please to shut and lock the door and quiten down

Tell your mother the dc are embarrassed

'but apparently it’s every night or morning- to the point that the kids aren’t shocked - they prefer it when she shuts the door.... wtf ....'

Hardly 'prudish' to not want your '8 year old' to be feeling like this.

Grim

So your mother isn't allowed to have sex?
I take it you have sex? This is bizarre. People have sex in their own houses. Just ask her to close the door and tell your kids not to be so nosey. Or hey! Talk to them about sex.

Oh FFS grow up. Who's said that her mother 'isn't allowed' to have sex? The fact that you think it's 'bizarre' that someone would not want their children witnessing people having sex, regardless of who it is, is pretty fucking worrying.

The OP should be able to talk to her children about sex in a way that she sees fit and she may feel that them seeing it happen is not the way to do so.

So tell her not us

Slarty - I don’t think children need to hear their grandmother having sex. It’s not prudish. Prudish would be a negative reaction to my mother having sex.

So what's the point of Mumsnet then?

That was to Slarty.

Agree op, tell her

Happens every night or morning for two days twice a year? Have they recently visited or has this come up in some other way?

That is what I would do

Slarty - it’s a forum to ask advice. I am not playing at Jackonory. It is not a tale for your amusement or entertainment- I have opened dialogue to ask what people would do - or how I should tackle the situation

Twice a year?

Tell her she's not having the kids at hers (or the partners) ever again and tell her why.

If this was a school friend's parents shagging with the door open every time there was a sleepover would posters still be saying ''so they're not allowed to have sex in their own house?''

I think not. I HOPE not.

Noimbrian - just came up in conversation over half term while we were just chatting