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Original poster

WWYD - my mother having sex

164 replies

Tokenjester · 05/11/2017 07:46

Not sure how to handle this, so I need your advice. I just found out that my children have regularly seen & heard their grandmother & her partner have sex when they stay at her house.

I am so disgusted with my mother at the absolute disrespect she has shown my children. It is not like they see her often - surely she could keep her legs shut for a couple of days twice a year.

We don’t have a good relationship - very superficial- we are very different women - so this is potentially the final nail in the coffin .... how can I tell her I know in a measured way without opening Pandora’s box? I’m so pissed off that my then 8 yr old had sex explained to him by his sibling having seen his granny having sex.

My first reaction is to phone her up and bollock her & say she’s never seeing them again. For god’s sake they have said they prefer staying at her house rather than the partners because she shuts the door.... they have normalised this behaviour.

Vile- but what should I do- what would you do???

OP posts:
usernameavailable · 05/11/2017 09:54

How are people calling OP prudish?
She is not saying her Mum can't have sex. She is saying the kids shouldn't hear or see it.
I am sure OP has sex when kids are in their beds. But OP will likely be quiet and with door closed.
If her Mum made 1 mistake and forgot to shut door then shouldn't she be more careful the next time by closing door and being quiet?
That is not being prudish, it is looking after her kids.
OP i have no advice for you, except explain to your mum that once was a mistake but every time is unacceptable and disrespectful to your young children, so they will not be staying over night in the future as the trust of protecting their innocence has been broken.

Original poster
Tokenjester · 05/11/2017 09:59

Deckof - the relationship is strained with my mother, I don’t see her much because she isn’t around- as in abroad & she lives distance away.

Why would I refuse my children access to their grandmother just because she pisses me off? As I said it’s a superficial relationship, but it’s polite & courteous. Up until this incident I have had no reason to worry about their safety & well being.

OP posts:
schoolgaterebel · 05/11/2017 10:04

This is horrendous, completely inappropriate. Not even a one time mistake.

You are well within your rights to never allow her to have the children again.

Wilburissomepig · 05/11/2017 10:05

Twice a year?

Well that's alright then, it's only twice a year.

What the fuck difference does that make?

AuntyElle · 05/11/2017 10:06

bastardkitty: I'm amazed how some people are so willing to jump to the most innocent conclusions at all times and put protecting children at such low priority. Child abuse is not a 'one in a million' type occurrence. Sadly for personal and professional reasons, some of us know how prevalent it is and the damage done by it.

This, absolutely.

misscph1973 · 05/11/2017 10:11

This is making me feel quite sick to my stomach. Your DM should not have let this happen, you are in the right. It was perfectly avoidable. Not going into any detail, but my DPs had a really screwed up idea of what being "liberated" in the early '70s meant, and had no boundaries whatsoever. I had no one to tell. At least your DC can tell you, and thank God they did.

I don't think are scarred for life, I'm not. But you do need to have that conversation with your mum, and its very important that you keep talking to your DC about it, as this will make a huge difference. Try to put it into perspective for them, without normalising it, but keeping it casual (avoid making a drama about it) and make sure they know that they did the right thing by telling you.

sourpatchkid · 05/11/2017 10:12

Another one concerned about the partner. To be honest I would just stop contact. She has already shown she doesn’t prioritise them

Laiste · 05/11/2017 10:17

I think it's easy/automatic to look for the innocent explanation when it's family.

I find it helpful to view the behavior as if it were a stranger or a friend of the family. As i said, imagine your DC were going on two sleep overs a year to a mates house and you found out the parents had been leaving the door open while they were shagging every time, and your DCs have kept having to see and hear it. Would anyone realy be saying 'oh dear we'll just ask them to shut the door' rather than thinking jesus these people have no respect for my kids they aren't bloody having them overnight again!?

hippyhippyshake · 05/11/2017 10:21

I can't see where op says that she has spoken to her dm about it. Does dm even know that the dc have seen and heard them? Surely any normal person would be mortified and make sure the door is firmly shut in future. That's what makes me think she isn't aware

InternetHoopJumper · 05/11/2017 10:25

@Tokenjester

It's not about refusing the children access over a personal disagreement.
What your mother did was very wrong (and I agree with other posters that it skirts dangerously close to grooming), but she did not do it to you, she did it to your children.
You are not refusing access, you are protecting them from further harm. In your case I would make clear to your kids that they did a good thing by telling you about it.

In either case Flowers What a horrible situation and I am sorry your children had to witness that.

misscph1973 · 05/11/2017 10:26

hippyhippyshake, I think the problem is that the DM is not "any normal person". The door should be at least firmly shut, preferably locked. Any normal person would have ensured that.

Laiste · 05/11/2017 10:30

Exactly. IMO the mother has already failed to do what any 'normal' person would have done. Repeatedly.

Not someone i'd leave my kids with again.

Laiste · 05/11/2017 10:31

I mean my god who needs telling to keep the bedroom door shut if you're having sex while there's kids wandering round the house? Seriously.

permatiredmum · 05/11/2017 10:33

am so disgusted with my mother at the absolute disrespect she has shown my children. It is not like they see her often - surely she could keep her legs shut for a couple of days twice a year.

sounds like you don't think she should be having sex in her own house.The obvious explanation was that she didn't expect the kids to be up so early! was the door wide open or slightly ajar?

reflexfaith · 05/11/2017 10:35

Tammy's posts are great and very insightful.

GinIsIn · 05/11/2017 10:37

So they were having sex in their own bedroom, when they thought the children were asleep, and the door may have been open (not great), may have been ajar (these things happen) or may have been shut and the children opened it? Which interestingly has been asked half a dozen times so far and the OP hasn't answered.....

Original poster
Tokenjester · 05/11/2017 10:43

Permatired- of course I don’t think she shouldn’t be having sex in her own house, I haven’t said that once. I do, however, think that when small children are in your house that you modify your behaviour. This wasn’t a one off.

I’m not sure who doesn’t expect young children to be up early- it goes with the territory.

OP posts:
TammyswansonTwo · 05/11/2017 10:43

If you do talk to her, pay careful attention to the reaction. Anything other than complete horror and being absolutely mortified is a massive red flag. Minimising it or being defensive would be a big worry.

Thing is, OP can tell her then ask her to close the door - then what? Assume she will? I wouldn't be confident in that.

Also, its been very difficult for the kids to tell their mum and you're now suggesting she shouldn't believe them? They're not 5. They know what's going on.

Original poster
Tokenjester · 05/11/2017 10:45

Fenella - if you read the thread. The first time they saw her, the door was open. They have said that they prefer staying at their grandmas house because at least she shuts the door- but they can still hear. This is not a big house- it’s a two bed small house- so hearing is unavoidable.

OP posts:
TammyswansonTwo · 05/11/2017 10:47

Thanks reflex

Fenella put yourself in this position. You have kids of this age staying with you. You wake up in the morning and have sex without closing the door, then you leave the room and discover the kids are already up. What do you think? And what do you do the next morning? I think it's fairly obvious what a responsible person would do.

Original poster
Tokenjester · 05/11/2017 10:47

My mother’s sex life is none of my business but when it impacts on my children, it most certainly is.

OP posts:
nanight · 05/11/2017 10:48

Tammy Flowers for you

The fact that this has happened on more than one occasion means this is not an accident. Your mother is not prioritising your children's needs and she should not be seeing them alone from now on. For whatever reason, her boundaries are not what they need to be to keep children emotionally secure.

I can totally understand why you're raging about this OP.

Crispbutty · 05/11/2017 10:49

Is this at night when the kids where in bed and they assumed asleep? Maybe door left ajar to listen out for the kids. If they are unaware of the kids knowing then then as a previous poster said, first action would be to say (in a call way) to her "mum, keep your bedroom door closed and the noise down, the kids really don't need to see or hear you having sex", and then depending on her reaction go from there.

I must admit, I wouldn't have sex with DP if we had guests staying, even other adults, but especially not children.

TammyswansonTwo · 05/11/2017 10:49

Of course it bloody is! This isn't something to mess about it. Some responses here are baffling - if it weren't a big deal, your kids wouldn't have had such difficulty telling you. They're very uncomfortable and know it's bad - I would be paying attention to how they react.

Phalenopsisgirl · 05/11/2017 10:51

Once Is once. Leaving your door ajar and forgetting to shut it because you aren’t used to having kids in the house is one thing. It would really depend on the details of what makes this a regular thing. It seems odd that on the two occasions your kids stayed she was at it loudly with the door open. It feels there is more to the story.