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Original poster

Why we're not engaged?

138 replies

Sorryforthechange123 · 25/07/2017 07:46

Hi everyone,

This is something that is really getting to me recently.

My partner and I have been together for over 4 years. We spend a lot of time together, we have a great relationship, we openly plan our future together, we talk about buying a house, planning to have kids etc. But - we're not engaged.

Now, maybe I'm getting the pressure to get into to me too much, because I understand that every relationship gets there in their own pace, but... I'm ready. What is more, he knows I'm ready as sometimes we talk about it, but that's where it ends. Just talk.

To preempt the question why it is so important to me right now? One of the reasons is that my father is not very well and I would really want him to witness my wedding and walk me down the isle. The longer we wait, the less possible this becomes. Yes, my DP knows about it.

What would you do?

He's not a man of big gestures and sometimes I think maybe it will never happen. No, I don't want to propose myself.

OP posts:
Tootsiepops · 25/07/2017 07:49

What age are you and your partner? Do you live together at the moment?

StereophonicallyChallenged · 25/07/2017 07:50

How old are you/he??

I would tell him my fears about your dad not being able to walk you down the aisle if that is important to you Smile

jeaux90 · 25/07/2017 07:50

I'd try and work out why being married is so important to me. If you plan on having kids and staying at home then it's the best thing to do but otherwise I think the concept of marriage is very outdated.

It's what everyone expects to you do so that's what you think should happen next perhaps?

AuntieStella · 25/07/2017 07:51

Have you talked about marriage? If so, when was the last time, and what was said?

If you haven't talked about it, then you need to initiate that conversation.

Original poster
Sorryforthechange123 · 25/07/2017 07:52

Hi,

That's for the respons so far.

We are 27-30. Yes, we live together and have been for past 3 years.

I guess, the concept of marriage is something that would give me a bit more of security when we have children and our family - one name.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 25/07/2017 07:54

There very little anyone can say if you are not prepared to take control of your own future. Why are you being so passive? And why do you want to get engaged, why don't you just get married if you want to be married?

PurpleTraitor · 25/07/2017 07:54

You want to get married, right? So why do you want to enter into a pre-marriage state that can last an indefinite amount of time?

Have you asked him to marry you? If not why not?

jeaux90 · 25/07/2017 07:55

Financial and legal security is very important if you plan to have kids, especially if you are going to stay home for a while.

Not sure about the taking his name thing though, I think that is really old fashioned.

ShatnersWig · 25/07/2017 07:56

You have stalemate then. Sorry, but you have two choices. You either wait for him or you ask him yourself. As you refuse to do the latter, then you're working to his timetable.

You want to marry because you want your father to walk you down the aisle (although I hope the first and only reason to marry anyone is because you love them and want to spend the rest of your life with them, otherwise it's as much - if not more - about you want a wedding and the wedding you want). But you say your DP is not one for big gestures. What if he wants a small wedding, maybe not in a church even? What if he doesn't want a short engagement?

Sorry, but if you're old fashioned and refuse to ask him yourself then you're just going to have to wait.

TheNaze73 · 25/07/2017 07:57

You'll get a lot of different responses here but, your opinion is the only one that counts.

I think your age comes into this, as you've mentioned children. Does he realise how getting engaged is important to you because of your Dad?

I think when one person wants something to move a relationship forward but, the other person doesn't, the default position has to be to stay the same. In the grander scheme of things, getting engaged means nothing legally, so do you think he's reluctant to marry?

Having rushed into a wedding after only knowing someone 3 years, I'd be reluctant to do it so soon however, if he truly has any empathy for you he needs to either do it or be honest with you.

If you give him an ultimatum however, be prepared for bad news. At least you'd know though.

Good luck Flowers

smu06set · 25/07/2017 07:57

I did a similar thing to you when we had been together 4 years - turns out it made my partner wait longer to propose so it would be a surprise!

Original poster
Sorryforthechange123 · 25/07/2017 07:57

Correct me if I'm wrong, but do people not get engaged to plan the wedding? I think rather than one knee etc I would like a declaration that he's ready and "let's do this". I've asked, he said he does, but I think it was more of a "one day in the future" kind of chat.

OP posts:
Thinkingofausername1 · 25/07/2017 07:58

Marriage isn't everything
You can be happy and not married, and married and unhappy. Maybe he wants to not rush into it? Talk to him

meditrina · 25/07/2017 07:58

Marriage would give you considerably more security, and it is important that people know the differences between marriage and cohabitation (before reducing earnings in any way)

www.mumsnet.com/relationships/legal-rights-for-unmarried-couples

If you just want the same name, that can be changed without matrimony.

RiverTam · 25/07/2017 08:00

What needs to be planned? Book the registry office, buy a dress if you want, plan a get-together. I think we sorted ours in a month. But we were at the stage of simply wanting to be married, the getting bit was neither here nor there, tbh. Obviously, if you're more about the getting, yes, you need more time. Still don't need to be engaged, though.

Joysmum · 25/07/2017 08:01

Ask him yourself. I asked my dh to marry me and it's a good job I did as he wanted me to ask him so he knew I wanted to rather than passively going all my sith what he wanted.

Joysmum · 25/07/2017 08:02

*going along with what he wanted.

bananafanana1 · 25/07/2017 08:05

Men will bob along for ages, they need it spelt out clearly to them.

I didn't ask my DH to marry me but had a very clear chat as to what I wanted. He took the (big) hint and we're married.

Have a chat with him and be really clear what you want and when.

PurpleTraitor · 25/07/2017 08:05

Make your declaration that you are ready and let's do this.

He might make the same one back.

But really you need to be having these conversations with him. And no, people don't get engaged to plan the wedding. A wedding is just a wedding, it can take a couple of hours of your life to sort out.

If you've said you'll get married one day, you are already engaged, that's all getting engaged is.

Legal protection is important but marriage is not that only way to get that (or the best way for everyone) so get legal advice.

bananafanana1 · 25/07/2017 08:06

I agree with joysmum comment- they get a bit scared too ❤️

Trills · 25/07/2017 08:09

Still don't need to be engaged, though.

If you are booking the registry office together than you have at some point "agreed that you are going to get married", so you are engaged.

Mrsbird311 · 25/07/2017 08:12

Your partner needs it spelling out!! As I used to say to my now husband , until I am married I consider myself single which means I'm free to consider offers from other suiters, an engagement ring is the deposit and the wedding ring final payment!! It might seem old fashioned but I'm sure you want your partner to ask you not always wondering if he would have bothered if you hadn't asked!!! I would calmly tell him you want to be married before you consider buying a house or having a child and won't wait indefinitely!! He either wants you to be his wife or he doesn't!!!

CaptainHarville · 25/07/2017 08:12

I think you're going to have to talk properly with your partner. My DH and I did this and there was no proposal we just chatted and agreed we wanted to get married. So we went ring shopping the next day and were married within a year.

But part of the reason I knew DH was the one for me was that marriage, children, house buying were very much stuff we both wanted to do. I didn't have to convince him and for me that was romantic. After 3 years of living together I'd propose. Why do you think your partner should when you won't?
Don't whatever you do get pregnant if you expect to get married.

caffeinestream · 25/07/2017 08:18

In my experience, if a man wants to marry you, he'll propose. He won't wait until "some point in the future" or any other excuse. He'll do it.

Do you really want to marry someone who was to talked/cajoled into proposing to you?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 25/07/2017 08:19

until I am married I consider myself single which means I'm free to consider offers from other suiters

Wow

an engagement ring is the deposit and the wedding ring final payment!! It might seem old fashioned

You're right. It is very old fashioned.

I am not a commodity that can be bought with rings for starters.