Why we're not engaged?

[Sorryforthechange123]

Hi everyone,

This is something that is really getting to me recently.

My partner and I have been together for over 4 years. We spend a lot of time together, we have a great relationship, we openly plan our future together, we talk about buying a house, planning to have kids etc. But - we're not engaged.

Now, maybe I'm getting the pressure to get into to me too much, because I understand that every relationship gets there in their own pace, but... I'm ready. What is more, he knows I'm ready as sometimes we talk about it, but that's where it ends. Just talk.

To preempt the question why it is so important to me right now? One of the reasons is that my father is not very well and I would really want him to witness my wedding and walk me down the isle. The longer we wait, the less possible this becomes. Yes, my DP knows about it.

What would you do?

He's not a man of big gestures and sometimes I think maybe it will never happen. No, I don't want to propose myself.

Hmm I dont know about that one. Everyone is different.

I understand wanting the proposal (I did too - although in hindsight it didn't really matter) but I think you should really take into consideration how important it is for you to have your dad there.

I think your best bet is to sit down with your DP and have a serious conversation about getting married. If you're on the same page then agree a rough time to get married and start planning. Your DP could still choose the ring or do something nice for a proposal if you want.

Honestly, I never think about DHs proposal (sorry DH ), but I do have fond memories and pictures with my Dad on my wedding day, which are so much more important than how we got engaged.

Be honest. If something happens to your dad this guy will always be the guy who didn't love you enough to have your dad at your wedding. You may find your feelings shifting considerably as you process this.

It's 2017, if you want to get married just tell him so. Either he wants what you want or he doesn't. If he doesn't maybe you need to rethink the relationship. All this holding out for a proposal stuff is bullshit imo.

For what it's worth OP, we had a friend who was in a long term relationship with his GF, for about four years (similar ages to yours). He bought a house with his money, and they moved in together. She was 'paying towards it' all the time she was living there. The GF was keen on getting married and kept bringing it up. After a while, our friend took her out and bought her 'a friendship ring' (I kid you not).

To cut a long story, things came to a head after four years and she ended up moving out. She took NOTHING away from this relationship, only had some of her best years wasted on this non-commital *.

Another story. A work colleague 30-odd y.o said to us in conversation that he wasn't taking his live-in girlfriend to this event as, to quote him 'it is for family only'.

What I am saying is there is a chance your DP might not see eye to eye with you as to the nature of your relationship. It is much better to find this out earlier, than later IMO

Have a straightforward chat. When he says 'yes we'll do it in future" or whatever, say to him "why wait? lets just do it". Show him you are excited about a future together. Organise it together. Talk about where you want to do it, large or small etc. Make it real instead of some nebulous thing in the future. In life, things don't always happen as you had hoped or imagined, sometimes you have to reach out for what you want and just make shit happen. I mean this kindly as you sound quite upset by it all, all i'm saying is perhaps its time to take control of the situation. If you suspect he doesn't want to do it, thats a different thing. Is that your fear?

Another thing, if the person says 'it's only a piece of paper' the correct reply is ' well there's not problem, let's get married then!'

My exP didn't want to get married. Took a big stance against marriage, the terms of which were completely confused (everything from 'It's just a piece of paper' to 'Why do I need the state's approval?')

In the end I came to realise that this was just one of very, very many issues in which his identity and very publicly held position were more important than my feelings. I'm absolutely not saying this is the case for all people who take that position - I believe that it is quite possible to take a principled stance against marriage. But in his particular case, it was all about egotistic narcissism - he wanted to appear "far out" and "radical" to onlookers, and didn't really care if it made me unhappy as a price.

I also agree that if a man thinks you are the one, he will propose 'as soon as' to make sure no one else gets in. However, men will happily accept a shag and a free housekeeper if it is on offer. The fact that you live together does not automatically mean marriage is the next step, sorry. Sometimes it is a case of have this for now and see if anybody better comes along. There are plenty of stories on here when a bloke would not marry their long-term partner, but after the 'right one' comes along, he magically goes down on one knee within six months of meeting them. This is not to say ambivalent blokes can't be badgered into matrimony. Some men would go along with it, a bird in hand and all that. Best thing is to ask him straight. Be prepared for the answer you did not want, though.

I also agree that if a man thinks you are the one, he will propose 'as soon as' to make sure no one else gets in

So much sexist bullshit on this thread. Mine didn't, mine needed me to do it because he knew I needed to see it for myself.

Well said Joysmum, as ever.

The sentence you highlighted was utter nonsense

Well it might be sexist but it doesn't mean that it isn't true.

Maybe Joysmum has a point, when they want you more than you want them, maybe they do want to you to see it. This is not the case for the Op. She wants to get married, he's procrastinating.

I actually think, in a bizarre kind of way, it's not connected to how much someone is "wanted" by the other party. In the three or four cases I've known where the bloke has had problems with getting married while the woman has wanted to, the woman has moved on more quickly and more smoothly when the relationship ended. I have no idea why this would be, and my sense of it is only anecdotal, but something I think there's a kind of 'taking for granted' that only realises what it has when it's gone!