Why we're not engaged?

[Sorryforthechange123]

Hi everyone,

This is something that is really getting to me recently.

My partner and I have been together for over 4 years. We spend a lot of time together, we have a great relationship, we openly plan our future together, we talk about buying a house, planning to have kids etc. But - we're not engaged.

Now, maybe I'm getting the pressure to get into to me too much, because I understand that every relationship gets there in their own pace, but... I'm ready. What is more, he knows I'm ready as sometimes we talk about it, but that's where it ends. Just talk.

To preempt the question why it is so important to me right now? One of the reasons is that my father is not very well and I would really want him to witness my wedding and walk me down the isle. The longer we wait, the less possible this becomes. Yes, my DP knows about it.

What would you do?

He's not a man of big gestures and sometimes I think maybe it will never happen. No, I don't want to propose myself.

There's nothing wrong with wanting things to follow a traditional course, but it often doesn't work out ideally. I think I got into a kind of stuck position for a while with dp, with him wanting to pick the time and not wanting to be pressured so every time I mentioned it, I expect he delayed another few months..but if I didn't mention it I am not sure the time ever would have been right. I confess I blubbed the day my brother and sil announced their engagement. I think he got the message then but I wish he had considered my feelings sooner.

Ok, when it comes to the flat you are being taken for a ride.

You're contributing to his asset. He knows this. I'd like to think he hasn';t thought that one through properly, but I'm not that naive...

How are you contributing? If it's a payment into his bank account then good. If you contribute by paying bills, food etc while he has proof that HE pays the mortgage - bad. If it's set up like this I'd be even more suspicious of him. First thing to do - get proof of your payments into the asset, maybe ask a solicitor for some advice.

Secondly: do not, do not, do not get pregnant. If you do, you have lost any bargaining chip you have. Set it out that you want children, and you want to be married. Does he want children? If it is, make it quite clear that they won't be arriving until after you are married. If they do - they'll have your surname. No, there's nothing he can do about that...

Re financial stand.

I believe he genuinely is a decent person and wouldn't do anything that is not fair.

He bought he flat before we met and paid a hefty share of deposit.

I used to pay ½ of mortgage and bills when I moved in, but then we decided to increase our/his mortgage payments to pay it off quicker. I still pay the original amount though, so it's more of a ¼ now.

It's a difficult discussion as to be honest I wouldn't even be able to rent anything for the amount I pay where we live...

Also, thank you everyone for all the responses. You mention things that would never cross my mind to consider. Much appreciated.

How long have you lived there for?

Good person or not, if he dumps you, you have nowhere to live.

that's not great about the house for now for you. I wouldn't assist him in buying a property outright if you have no legal rights to any of it.

As for the marraige thing i completely get it. I've been with dp getting on for six years and we have been through some terrible things together. He's not asked me and knows it's important.

I've talked to him, i've told him lets just book the wedding still no answer or engagement.

By the advice on here he definitely doesn't want to marry me i don't want to beg or pressure someone into marraige so can't bring myself to dish out any ultimatums but suspect if i left him because of it he would ask.

Look you said marriage is important to you. You are where you are now because you have settled for something " a bit like" marriage.
It's not.
I think you need to sat to him that you want to reassess the relationship and that you will be moving out.You want other things etc.
If he is serious about marring you he will give his head a wobble and ask. If not, well then you know.
I think that's more assertive than asking him to marry you. Words are easy.

My DH is a genuinely decent person but it was me at one point that wanted out. Never ever put yourself in a poor financial position, be an equal. You are currently paying off his mortgage he gets an asset that accumulates equity you are basically paying the rent.

Everyone to a man and woman is a genuinely decnt person till they do something that isn't decent.

I'm in the same boat. I love my partner deeply. We own a house together and half everything round the middle, no kids but a dog. We have discussed marriage and kids but still no proposal... i keep thinking maybe it will be today but it never comes

I really wanted to marry my Dh and proposed to him myself. It has never taken anything away from.our marriage or my sense of feeling loved.

Age is a factor IMO, if both in early to mid twenties there is more time if wanting DC.

'When the time is right' is a completely self centred thing. You want marriage. You need to talk about this- he does not just get to assume he has a magic moment and feels he NEEDS to propose. Tell him the time is right for you, and he has a window where the time can be right for both of you, but he cannot expect you to wait years. Ask him directly what he is waiting for. He is either confident you are going to be together for a long time or he isn't- if he isn't after 3 years I'd suggest you moving out for a few days to think. If he is, why is he not ready to propose? It feels like he is lying about loving you and wanting to be with you. Basically I think saying 'when the time is right' is a steaming pile of bollocks and it would be far more honest for guys to say 'fuck off not interested'

Vari, how long are you prepared to stick around for if not married?

Loopytiles - Jan 2019 is the timeline i have in my head... that gives him 2 more anniversaries, 2 more birthdays, 2 more holidays and 2 more christmases. No excuse for not having the opportunity. By that time we will have been together nearly 5 years and lived together for 4.

Depending on your age that's too much time IMO. Worth a conversation to make clear to him that you wish to marry and will not hang around waiting for years.

That's too long to wait. He doesn't need you to provide him with 6 perfect dates over two years. He could propose tomorrow if he wanted to.

just out of interest when the time comes that you have given them, what do you do then leave? i'm just asking as in that situation my dp would just string me along again. So you actually have to leave?

Yep

Why waste yet more time?

In my 20s had a relationship with someone who wished to move in together and buy a property but when asked about marriage and DC said "in about ten years". I declined.

While I understand some parts of wanting to be proposed to and officially engaged, that's mostly in the symbolic sense, where you already both know 100% that you'll be getting married, the proposal is just making it official in a more traditional way. I really can't wrap my head around building a whole life with someone but letting them hold the power on the marriage front. Shouldn't you both get a say? Why wait years to find out if you're on the same page?

Any man who needs another two years to propose doesn't want to marry you. He is hedging his bets to see if a better prospect comes along, and if it does you can bet your life he will have proposed to them within 6 months.