Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why we're not engaged?

138 replies

Sorryforthechange123 · 25/07/2017 07:46

Hi everyone,

This is something that is really getting to me recently.

My partner and I have been together for over 4 years. We spend a lot of time together, we have a great relationship, we openly plan our future together, we talk about buying a house, planning to have kids etc. But - we're not engaged.

Now, maybe I'm getting the pressure to get into to me too much, because I understand that every relationship gets there in their own pace, but... I'm ready. What is more, he knows I'm ready as sometimes we talk about it, but that's where it ends. Just talk.

To preempt the question why it is so important to me right now? One of the reasons is that my father is not very well and I would really want him to witness my wedding and walk me down the isle. The longer we wait, the less possible this becomes. Yes, my DP knows about it.

What would you do?

He's not a man of big gestures and sometimes I think maybe it will never happen. No, I don't want to propose myself.

OP posts:
lanouvelleheloise · 25/07/2017 12:54

I know several highly intelligent, financially independent, clever, successful and openly feminist women who practically begged their husbands for a proposal.

There is just something about this issue that bites at many women, even today. It's not that there are no men out there who want to be married - there are plenty - but in many cases it's women who still seem to see it a more of a rite of passage and more important. It would be good to have an open, non-judgemental conversation about why this is. I have to admit, I felt the pressure myself and I can't quite explain why.

Original poster
Sorryforthechange123 · 25/07/2017 12:57

@lanouvelleheloise and there's that pressure too...

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 25/07/2017 13:00

"When the time is right" isn't properly talking about it and essentially means "I want to continue living together but don't want to marry you now and may or may not want to in future".

Loopytiles · 25/07/2017 13:00

So you're financially contributing to the mortgage on your property but it's your DP's asset.

Original poster
Sorryforthechange123 · 25/07/2017 13:02

Looks like it.

I don't want to say he's a type of person he would use this as some sort of advantage, but because of my background i don't think anyone should ever have 100% trust.

OP posts:
claritytobeclear · 25/07/2017 13:04

Why don't you research types of wedding/venue you might like & then say to him 'Let's do this.' The 'One day', could be because of the vagueness of the idea. Getting married can mean lots of things. If you add some specifics he can say whether he likes the idea or not.

eddielizzard · 25/07/2017 13:04

i think there's nothing wrong with telling him what you want from life in the short, medium and long term. that's part of working out whether you're compatible. and it's clearly important to you. i'd also be concerned about contributing to his mortgage and having nothing to show for it. you have to think about your future too - financial and emotional.

i think you need to think of a time line that is reasonable for you, and ask him if he feels the same. i've got friends who think they're on the same page where one person feels a reasonable time line is in 10 years aka never never and the other within the year.

you need to decide within yourself what your line in the sand is. doom mongering: you may wait and wait and next thing you know you're too old for a family, you have no property to your name and your dp has found a younger model. don't wait around if he's not wanting the same things as you.

SwedishEdith · 25/07/2017 13:05

Sorry - then just email with what you've listed there. If it really, really matters to you, you'll have to issue and ultimatum and stick with it.

Loopytiles · 25/07/2017 13:13

Or base your decisions from now on (time, money, work) on what's best for you. You can move out at any time if you decide the level of commitment he's offering isn't sufficient.

Loopytiles · 25/07/2017 13:14

Is "the deal" that if you split up you would have no equity in the property at all?

If so make sure you save money, consider this in your financial decisions etc.

goujonsfortea · 25/07/2017 13:14

Yes, OP, I think your partner should be pressured on this issue.

You have a life to live, FGS, stop lending it to him.

VickieCherry · 25/07/2017 14:05

Why are you paying into his house? You have absolutely no claim on it if you split, as you'll be viewed as his tenant.

Nelly5678 · 25/07/2017 14:10

Not read whole thread but why don't you propose to him?

Kr1stina · 25/07/2017 14:53

Stop paying towards the mortgage on his property.

Talk to him about this issue. His attitude will show you how he feels about the future of your relationship.

He should say " gosh you are right, that's not fair on you, I never thought about it, let go to a solicitor next week and sort it all out legally".

If he gets angry ( So you are accusing me of ripping you off ) or acts hurt ( I can't believe you don't trust me , we will be together forever ) or makes vague promises ( to sort it out 'when the time is right then you will know exactly where you stand.

Adora10 · 25/07/2017 15:07

Sorry I got as far as first page and agree with what has been said, if he wanted to get engaged, get married, he'd ask; they are not idiots that don't have brains!

Sunbeam18 · 25/07/2017 15:11

Why don't you get put onto the deeds of the flat you are contributing to?

I really hate this idea that women have to coerce their partners into marriage and wait patiently, dropping hints for years, before the guy accepts that nothing better is coming along. For what it's worth, every marriage I know that started that way has now ended.
Don't devalue yourself.

Adora10 · 25/07/2017 15:13

Yeah, stop paying for his mortgage or at least get something drawn up, it's win, win for him.

smudgedlipstick · 25/07/2017 15:15

Reading with interest, I am nearly ten years into our relationship, we have a child, a house but no ring. It's spoken about often and yet nothing ever happens. It's quite important to me to be married for lots of security and I hate the fact I have a different surname to my child - but mostly because I seriously love him and want us to stand up in front of our favourite people and declare our love and devotion to each other. We also have a close family member who isn't in the greatest of health and still nothing changes. Have a serious conversation with him telling him your worries about your dad, and how you feel about it, just ask him why he hasn't asked you yet if you feel your both in the same place in your relationship

Loopytiles · 25/07/2017 15:19

Smudgedlipstick, hope you can resolve that and that you are looking out for yourself financially, eg WoH.

Loopytiles · 25/07/2017 15:22

OP being on the deeds is probably OTT, after all they are not married and she probably didn't put down any deposit etc. But if she's paying a fair whack towards the mortgage and has done so for a while there's a case for her to have some equity in the event of a breakup.

Loopytiles · 25/07/2017 15:23

I mean a case in terms of ethics/fairness by her DP, not legalities!

2014newme · 25/07/2017 15:25

Why the hell are you paying his mortgage with no share in the property??!!
Wake up ffs!!!

Piratesandpants · 25/07/2017 15:42

If marriage is important to you that's more than fair enough. You are already financially disadvantaged - perhaps time to sort out the mortgage issues. For heavens sake though, don't increase your investment or commitment by having children on this promise of marriage 'sometime in the future'. Too many women appear on here saying they realise, after 10 years and 2 kids together, that their partner has been stringing them along. FWIW I'm the same as you, marriage was important.

Beachbaby2017 · 25/07/2017 15:43

I've known so many people in long term relationships, my past self included, who plan for a future together but ultimately don't stay together. I'm having trouble finding the words to express what I mean - it's one thing to be with someone and to really agree that you're partnered for life, and it's another to have various conversations about some kind of shared future, which are more in the realm of daydreaming or testing the waters. I have come to think it doesn't mean that much if people have discussed marriage or kids at all, rather it's about how it's discussed. Is it for real or because that's just how relationships go these days - move in together, talk about a future in vague terms...

Anyway, I think you need to actually talk about the future you see for yourselves, in a committing way.

My DH and I very clearly said we wanted to get married. I did wait for him to propose, I didn't enjoy the waiting and from where I sit now I don't know if I'd do it that way again, but I decided to do it that way because of things in his upbringing/past. But that bit was just symbolic because we'd already agreed we would be getting married. I guess we were grappling with tradition versus our more modern lives and ended up doing some kind of hybrid. Engagements actually are really weird from that perspective, as is marriage actually, but the point is really about being on the same page in terms of your commitment to each other and about legal protections.

scottishdiem · 25/07/2017 16:14

There are many good reasons for getting married and there is much that OP needs to sort out to be in a more equal relationship.

  1. It could be that OPs DP is happy with the relationship as things are and doesnt see a reason to change the status quo so because he doenst see the inequality.
  1. It could be that he isnt really into marriage as a concept but would be open to making things more equal.
  1. It could that his as bad as some people on this thread think.

The solution is that she asks him to get married. All three points are addressed in the simple question and answer. Why women are so freaked at asking really does confused me.