DH and colleague

[wejammin]

I cant decide if I'm overreacting about my DH and his female colleague.

He used to be this lady's boss and I know they get on well, I always thought she was nice although she's quite chaotic in her personal life from what DH and her have told me. When I would take the kids into his work when they were babies she would fawn over them and be really nice to me.

Last year DH and I went to a wedding for one of their colleagues, she was also there. I had to leave to collect DS from school (it was a weekday afternoon). DH was supposed to be home in the evening but ended up coming back early morning, he said that there were no Taxis (it was in the countryside) so he and she had to wait and then she had no money so he had to go to the other side of the city to drop her off first before he could come home. Fair enough.

Then I saw the wedding photos, and he clearly has his arm around her waist in one.

I was looking for his sister's new address which I know she whatsapp'd him. Colleague had recently lost her brother and had gone to Poland for the funeral. I saw a message DH had sent her saying "how's my favourite Polish girl?".

I confronted DH saying I was upset and that it was inappropriate. He told me that they were just friends and he had no feelings for her in that way, he was trying to cheer her up etc.

I have periodically looked at his work emails since then. He is always asking her if she wants a drink or what she is doing for lunch, they seem to email every day but nothing too dodgy.

Today I had a look and there is an exchange, she compliments his pink socks and says she wants them. He says "fight you for them", he then says "they would go with your frilly pants".

They talk about lunch, then she says she is going with a friend who is getting filler in her lips, he says something along the lines of he hopes she's not getting it, it doesn't look nice.

They talk about work and she says something about him being "her husband-never-to-be", he says "I'll be your work husband" and she says "haha ok platonic love".

I'm so confused. Is there something going on here, and what should I do about it if there is?

It's a tough one - it could be nothing, could be an emotional affair.

If it was me, I wouldn't say anything at the moment but I would be watchful and wait to see if there was anything else or any more evidence that cropped up... These things tend to come out one way or another.

I think that nothing has happened yet but they clearly like each other a lot... I would not be happy with that level of flirting personally. It does seem like it's just flirting at this point, In all honesty if my DH had sent the 'my favourite polish girl' text and the email about knickers I would be very suspicious.

They're flirting in a private email exchange. It doesn't necessarily mean it would advance to anything but I'm betting your husband is getting a thrill out of it.

Did you challenge him about the wedding episode?

It has obviously started to set your spidey senses off. They are still tingling, and not without reason. Sounds like they have an inappropriate intimacy. Emails every day? Talking about knickers?

Crossed a line I would say.

What do you want to happen?

It's inappropriate.

How the absolute hell does he know she has pink frilly knickers??

I also would not be happy. I would have no issue at all with an OH going out with female work colleagues for lunch etc but the messages seemed to have crossed the line. It does not sound like anything has happened yet but I would not feel comfortable with some of the messages sent.

When I worked in an office in the city, more than one married colleague would email / flirt like this with me. Sometimes it was quite sexually charged. But I didn't really fancy any of them...
I remember Dad having quite a few female friends & flirtations at work. It didn't bother my mother, but it might have been different if one of them actually fancied him...

Go with your gut. Mine here is telling me that he's well & truly crossed the line

I have raised my concern with him about the wedding, he said they were dancing to a daft song together.

I feel like if I go on about it to him, it could almost push them together?

I put a photo of me and DH on Facebook the other day at a special occasion and she put a comment "such a gorgeous couple" and then I felt bad about feeling suspicious of her.

I don't know what I would do even if I did think something was going on. We've got a great relationship, good sex life, 2 gorgeous DC.

I've never had reason to distrust him before.

I would be hurt OP.

This is taking flirting way too far for me.

Talking about her knickers? Asking her out for lunch but not mentioning it to you. Telling her she's his favourite polish girl?
Nope I'm sorry. Too much

Trust your gut instinct. Hope you're okay

So he works with her everyday? and they email daily too? And whatsapp when she's not at work?

'Favourite girl' 'work husband' 'frilly knickers' 'fight you for them'

I would have my husband strung up for crossing the line like this. Oh wait, I just have!! Similar thing, with a colleague!

I would pull a plug on this before it goes too far. But then maybe it has. Keep investigating for now..

Asking her out to lunch without mentioning it? Husbands are not owned by their wives...
I think a lot of women here have absolutely no idea how their OH carries on at work!

You're not being unduly suspicious. I also experienced the 'virtual husband' nonsense. She called him 'my sexy husband' and liked him in his wand and often required him to wear all white as it was so European (he isn't English).

It's bollocks. And she's Polish, and there's always that excitement of someone from a foreign culture.

I'm not joking.

But actually you can't do anything. It's awful. You can't make a fuss or you'll alienate him and send him into her arms.

It is at this moment that you have to rely on the decency of both of them.

I don't think anything much has happened, but boy is this a flirtation. This is foreplay, I'm afraid.

Maybe he can keep it in line. Previous clean record. I hope so. But it sounds horribly familiar. If she gets the slightest hint he might leave you, she'll pounce I think. But she'll want to be the number one so she won't like an affair.

And she knows he has a strong marriage. That makes him more attractive.

I think you had to suck it up and pretend you're totally ok. But keep an eye out. If any signs of it going further, immediate ultimatum time and he never contacts her again.

I don't think he wants to leave you at all. But I think this thing with her could fxxk up your lives if not watched and probably nipped in the bud.

Basically she needs to go, sooner or later.

Omg stupid predictive texting. She liked him in his JEANS. !!

And I mean this woman in your life is Polish - not the one after my DP.

I think his reaction to you seeing his work emails would be interesting. Difficult to engineer a situation where you ask to look and see his response to that request though.
He needs better boundaries.

I don't know, it's mildly flirty but hardly emotional affair territory. They clearly like each other a lot but it doesn't mean they're gonna have sex.

Kick him out!

I'm a guy and my best friend is female. I'm Godparent to her children. I wouldn't think twice about joking about her smalls, we regularly take her young children swimming and share a changing room (they only have the family ones and getting the kids changed and dried on your own is impossible!). When the MW did baby (and mummy) checks post CS I held her hand.

I am also very happily married. As is she. Both partners know this and neither are threatened one bit.

Men and women CAN just be friends. It doesn't mean he's having ANY kind of affair. There is nothing to suggest they have or ever will have anything more. I think you need to be very careful OP, you don't want to risk ruining what you have. And like you say, your relationship is good, you're still having sex, there is nothing to suggest there is anything other than a platonic relationship between these two.

I think he's after her, and she's not interested.

I don't know about this one. Would I be thrilled if my husband was doing this with a colleague? No. But then when I was in my early/mid twenties I had a mate like this at work who was much older than me, married and who I had these kind of exchanges with. Absolutely nothing in it either end. Am actually still very good friends with him, although we don't work together any more as I moved jobs and then had the kids and moved again. My now DH is great friends with him now too and I would consider his wife a friend too. We often banter still in this manner vain text and stuff.

My husband-never-to-be

This is putting them squarely in the fantasy relationship camp. I really don't think friends talk like this.

For those saying this means nothing, I would have said the same too, before I found out different. Very similar line of flirtation. I just don't think it means nothing. Sorry but I do think it needs watching.