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Original poster

DH and colleague

132 replies

wejammin · 17/03/2017 20:24

I cant decide if I'm overreacting about my DH and his female colleague.

He used to be this lady's boss and I know they get on well, I always thought she was nice although she's quite chaotic in her personal life from what DH and her have told me. When I would take the kids into his work when they were babies she would fawn over them and be really nice to me.

Last year DH and I went to a wedding for one of their colleagues, she was also there. I had to leave to collect DS from school (it was a weekday afternoon). DH was supposed to be home in the evening but ended up coming back early morning, he said that there were no Taxis (it was in the countryside) so he and she had to wait and then she had no money so he had to go to the other side of the city to drop her off first before he could come home. Fair enough.

Then I saw the wedding photos, and he clearly has his arm around her waist in one.

I was looking for his sister's new address which I know she whatsapp'd him. Colleague had recently lost her brother and had gone to Poland for the funeral. I saw a message DH had sent her saying "how's my favourite Polish girl?".

I confronted DH saying I was upset and that it was inappropriate. He told me that they were just friends and he had no feelings for her in that way, he was trying to cheer her up etc.

I have periodically looked at his work emails since then. He is always asking her if she wants a drink or what she is doing for lunch, they seem to email every day but nothing too dodgy.

Today I had a look and there is an exchange, she compliments his pink socks and says she wants them. He says "fight you for them", he then says "they would go with your frilly pants".

They talk about lunch, then she says she is going with a friend who is getting filler in her lips, he says something along the lines of he hopes she's not getting it, it doesn't look nice.

They talk about work and she says something about him being "her husband-never-to-be", he says "I'll be your work husband" and she says "haha ok platonic love".

I'm so confused. Is there something going on here, and what should I do about it if there is?

OP posts:
missyB1 · 18/03/2017 15:31

You've made your feelings about all this flirting crystal clear now, so it absolutely has to stop. Keep an eye on it, I do believe if this sort of flirtation is allowed to carry on it can easily develop into something more.

I think he knew exactly what he was doing and how hurt you would be.

FizzyJapes · 18/03/2017 15:32

^ unless he's normally got that kind of OTT jim davidson sense of humour, its a personal sexual comment though ...

TheElephantofSurprise · 18/03/2017 15:33

He's pulling the wool, OP. He's up to no good with that woman.

Lillygolightly · 18/03/2017 15:40

Hey OP,

Sorry your going through this crappy situation. When he said he wouldn't email or go to lunch with her anymore, did you agree and say yes that would make you feel better? Or did you feel guilty and silly like you've overreacted and say...no no no need to go that far and apologise to him?

Whichever was agreed really doesn't matter because if he knows these email exchanges have hurt you and he should stop them anyway.

If they do continue I'd still be keeping an eye on it and I would also be keeping an eye out for a new email account not linked to work that may continue their conversation on.

It may be something and it may have been nothing but it had already crossed some sort of line and was not entirely appropriate. Enough to warrant keeping an eye on me thinks.

Buttercupsandaisies · 18/03/2017 15:43

I live in the north west and always refer to pants as trousers and so does everyone I know! I certainly don't call knickers 'pants' and I've never heard a man round here say pants for knickers either!

It could be banter, inappropriate but still could be innocent. She could have had knickers showing over the top of trousers in work and staff have took the piss and it's gone from there

Wingsofdesire · 18/03/2017 15:46

Frilly pants
has to mean frilly knickers

I'm from Yorkshire and nobody I have ever met says 'pants' and means 'trousers'. They say 'pants' and mean 'knickers'.

...
Maybe it's different on the other side ... but anyhow she's Polish ...

Buttercupsandaisies · 18/03/2017 15:47

I'm the first to scream affair usually but this sounds just banter to me

Buttercupsandaisies · 18/03/2017 15:48

Yes be wings - he's north west - like me. Here pants are definitely trousers. I don't know anyone honestly who refers to knickers as pants

MissGoggins · 18/03/2017 15:52

But if she is Polish and calls them pants then he could have been taking the piss.

If the trousers are like that link he should be taking the piss!

HarmlessChap · 18/03/2017 15:59

TBH I can easily see how the frilly pants thing could have happened.

As a non native English speaker she used an Americanism to refer to her trousers which have a frilled hem and called them frilly pants. Male friend with whom she has regular banter picks up on this and refers to it whenever possible, to take the mickey, as its clearly sounds like frilly knickers. It might not be exactly that but its a possibility.

HarmlessChap · 18/03/2017 16:00

X post with MrsG (got distracted while typing mine)

Imi22sleeping · 18/03/2017 16:05

Id hit the roof to be honest x

BettyBaggins · 18/03/2017 16:36

I think DH thinks it's banter. I also think that colleague is taking the piss and should back off other women's husbands, is she single?

I also think you are perfectly natural in being a bit Hmm about it all and that it's good you have spoken to him and he is happy to wind down their 'flirtation'.

I have a couple of good male friends who I catch up with without their partners, both of them will put their arms around me on occasion but I don't text them regularly, I don't flirt, I wouldn't because that would be crossing a line but I do love them both to bits, as friends.

Original poster
wejammin · 18/03/2017 17:31

MrsGoggins those trousers are awful. I really want to ask him to describe the frilly "pants" but I don't want him to think I'm obsessing.

Lilly I told him to reign it in or I would consider he was being disrespectful to my feelings. I didn't specifically say no lunches, no emails, but I said could you please consider whether what you are saying is professional and friendly or flirty and inappropriate, from an outsiders' point of view.

OP posts:
Original poster
wejammin · 18/03/2017 17:37

Betty she was single but got a huge bouquet of flowers delivered to the office on Valentine's day, according to her Facebook. Yes I did check DH emails and bank statement for receipts. She came out of an abusive relationship last year, I know this because I gave her legal advice about an injunction. Just as an "interesting twist", her violent ex then slashed my DH's car tyres 3 times because he'd had an argument on the phone with him and DH told him to leave her alone, her ex then accused them of sleeping together and said he would come to our house and tell me about it.

OP posts:
Esoteric · 18/03/2017 17:42

I had to have a similar conversation where our assistant was sending nighty night messages to DH on WhatsApp along with jokey names and he was responding when I was on holiday with son and he was at home, there was nothing overtly dodgy in them , it just seemed to me hugely inappropriate, there was far too much whatsapping going on at all times, not dodgy stuff but it annoyed me hugely that he couldn't see why it bothered me that much, he has stopped it now and because he ignores it, she has stopped doing it apart from the odd one or two

MissGoggins · 18/03/2017 17:43

That's quite a twist, wejammin Shock

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 18/03/2017 17:55

Pink frilly pants totally plausible in my opinion.

Few examples attached.

DH and colleague
DH and colleague
TheAntiBoop · 18/03/2017 18:07

Plausible if they work at clown school

SaltySeaDog72 · 18/03/2017 18:16

Haha @ Clown School!

So your dh called her violent ex and asked him to leave her alone Shock

Yes. That is quite some twist!

I think he and she are on thin ice here... sorry

MissGoggins · 18/03/2017 18:21

TheAntiBoop Grin

Oddsockspissmeoff · 18/03/2017 18:28

Arguing with her ex, slashed tyres, it's not good. And it seems your not the only one who thinks something's going on.

SuperFlyHigh · 18/03/2017 18:30

OP, you can pay cash for a flower delivery...

The pink frilly pants line being a mistake for trousers is absolute bollocks and I'm surprised you're believing this, but think you're clutching at straws. Her comments and his re work husband etc are totally crossing big lines.

I think despite what you say, they'll have some sort of affair in the future. Your DH clearly loves the attention.

Also makes no difference if she's ugly as sin as to whether he'd cheat.

SuperFlyHigh · 18/03/2017 18:31

Wait your last post... Didn't see that.

Bet her ex would have a lot to tell you.

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