DH and colleague

[wejammin]

I cant decide if I'm overreacting about my DH and his female colleague.

He used to be this lady's boss and I know they get on well, I always thought she was nice although she's quite chaotic in her personal life from what DH and her have told me. When I would take the kids into his work when they were babies she would fawn over them and be really nice to me.

Last year DH and I went to a wedding for one of their colleagues, she was also there. I had to leave to collect DS from school (it was a weekday afternoon). DH was supposed to be home in the evening but ended up coming back early morning, he said that there were no Taxis (it was in the countryside) so he and she had to wait and then she had no money so he had to go to the other side of the city to drop her off first before he could come home. Fair enough.

Then I saw the wedding photos, and he clearly has his arm around her waist in one.

I was looking for his sister's new address which I know she whatsapp'd him. Colleague had recently lost her brother and had gone to Poland for the funeral. I saw a message DH had sent her saying "how's my favourite Polish girl?".

I confronted DH saying I was upset and that it was inappropriate. He told me that they were just friends and he had no feelings for her in that way, he was trying to cheer her up etc.

I have periodically looked at his work emails since then. He is always asking her if she wants a drink or what she is doing for lunch, they seem to email every day but nothing too dodgy.

Today I had a look and there is an exchange, she compliments his pink socks and says she wants them. He says "fight you for them", he then says "they would go with your frilly pants".

They talk about lunch, then she says she is going with a friend who is getting filler in her lips, he says something along the lines of he hopes she's not getting it, it doesn't look nice.

They talk about work and she says something about him being "her husband-never-to-be", he says "I'll be your work husband" and she says "haha ok platonic love".

I'm so confused. Is there something going on here, and what should I do about it if there is?

frilly pink pants
www.zara.com/uk/en/woman/new-in/flowing-frilled-trousers-c805003p4481032.html

and more
www.zara.com/uk/en/woman/new-in/cropped-trousers-with-frill-c805003p4467018.html

Sounds to me like he enjoyed the flirting but now that you have challenged him on it I think he will realise that he can't take the mickey like this and get back to treating you with some respect. It's great that you have shown him that he is being inappropriate and you won't put up with it.

So DH is upset that you wouldn't trust them on a night out together because he wouldn't cheat on but as far as I can see he already has cheated on you - an emotional affair is just as hurtful as a physical one, and there is plenty of evidence that they have been having an emotional affair - the "never to be husband" comment and his "I'll be your work husband etc etc and of course the frilly pants comment. They might already have been physical for all you know. Given what you have seen if he was sorry and worried about the effect on your marriage he would have been falling over himself to agree to no nights out with her. He clearly doesn't like that idea and throws it back to your unreasonableness in thinking he could be cheating!!

An NO he meant pants as in knickers without a doubt. So sorry OP you are going through this but it doesn't sound good and I think he needs to recognise how upset you are and reassure you there will be no more flirty texts/e mails whatever and that he will keep his distance from this woman and definitely no nights out together.

Watch out. Men can be very attracted to rescuing women. This was part of the slippery slope my ex went down when a woman in our social circle confided in him about her difficulties Fast forward a couple of years and they were having an affair. Keep a watchful eye and ask him to change behaviour if it makes you uncomfortable

You know what you said about the wedding OP? I'd bet my bottom dollar something happened then, maybe not sex but something. If it were me and her I'd be researching and booking taxis before not leaving it last minute. Very plausible excuse that they were out late at a wedding, couldn't get back etc and the arms round the waist sort of gives away that behaviour. Or something happened in his car. Dodgy as hell.

Thanks for all your input. I've read every reply. I feel very sad. I'm really hoping he's listened to me and this is the end of whatever it is.