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Original poster

DH and colleague

132 replies

wejammin · 17/03/2017 20:24

I cant decide if I'm overreacting about my DH and his female colleague.

He used to be this lady's boss and I know they get on well, I always thought she was nice although she's quite chaotic in her personal life from what DH and her have told me. When I would take the kids into his work when they were babies she would fawn over them and be really nice to me.

Last year DH and I went to a wedding for one of their colleagues, she was also there. I had to leave to collect DS from school (it was a weekday afternoon). DH was supposed to be home in the evening but ended up coming back early morning, he said that there were no Taxis (it was in the countryside) so he and she had to wait and then she had no money so he had to go to the other side of the city to drop her off first before he could come home. Fair enough.

Then I saw the wedding photos, and he clearly has his arm around her waist in one.

I was looking for his sister's new address which I know she whatsapp'd him. Colleague had recently lost her brother and had gone to Poland for the funeral. I saw a message DH had sent her saying "how's my favourite Polish girl?".

I confronted DH saying I was upset and that it was inappropriate. He told me that they were just friends and he had no feelings for her in that way, he was trying to cheer her up etc.

I have periodically looked at his work emails since then. He is always asking her if she wants a drink or what she is doing for lunch, they seem to email every day but nothing too dodgy.

Today I had a look and there is an exchange, she compliments his pink socks and says she wants them. He says "fight you for them", he then says "they would go with your frilly pants".

They talk about lunch, then she says she is going with a friend who is getting filler in her lips, he says something along the lines of he hopes she's not getting it, it doesn't look nice.

They talk about work and she says something about him being "her husband-never-to-be", he says "I'll be your work husband" and she says "haha ok platonic love".

I'm so confused. Is there something going on here, and what should I do about it if there is?

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 18/03/2017 18:32

antiboop must be a popular clown school then, seeing as they was sold out on the second picture. Just because that's not something you would wear, doesnt mean people don't wear it.

SuperFlyHigh · 18/03/2017 18:33

Wait why is she whatsapping him his sister's new address??!![comfused]

Original poster
wejammin · 18/03/2017 18:45

Sorry to drip feed, DC are constantly pestering...

The ex thing was about 3 years ago, he was also a client of DH's work and DH was assigned to manage his files, so DH had to speak to him and when he broke up with Her he got very nasty with everyone, to the extent that the management terminated the contract. DH was Her boss at the time but he'd only been there 6 months so they weren't very close. If there had been something going on for 3 years I hope I would have noticed? But I do think the incident made them more "personal" because he was supportive and (looking back maybe I'm such an idiot) I was really proud of how understanding he was being as her manager when she was in a domestic abuse situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
wejammin · 18/03/2017 18:46

Superfly no I was on WhatsApp looking for a message from DH's sister when I saw the messages between them

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 18/03/2017 18:51

Ah well that clears things up somewhat.

Yes you're right, the incident could have made them more close.

I'm not sure what you can do for now to be honest. Apart from keep your eyes wide open.

Teatowelfairy · 18/03/2017 19:28

I'm in north west and everyone says pants for trousers and knickers are definitely not pants so it's plausible that he wasn't referring to her smalls. But seriously who the fuck would wear pink frilly pants?! Hmm

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 18/03/2017 19:31

Don't really understand a why some posters are adamant this is just 'banter' - it's not. I wouldn't dream of talking to a married man like this, it's disrespectful. He needs to back the fuck away from her. What's your gut feeling, OP?

SuperFlyHigh · 18/03/2017 20:13

Totally agree ItsNotJingle I'd be going bloody apeshit at this banter and she is as much to blame for starting it but he's the bigger fool for getting drawn in, and that game is so easy to get drawn into.

SuperFlyHigh · 18/03/2017 20:14

Sorry ItShouldHaveBeenjingleJess Smile

Original poster
wejammin · 18/03/2017 20:19

Jingle my gut feeling is that nothing physical has happened but they have overstepped a boundary with flirting.

I said to DH last night that I wouldn't trust them on a work night out together. He said he was hurt because he wouldn't cheat on me. I told him to stop bloody flirting with another woman then.

OP posts:
FizzyJapes · 18/03/2017 20:28

all sounds mad to me ... I couldn't cope with this kind of Eastenders lifestyle (sorry, no insult meant OP, it just all sounds so OTT, slashed tires, violent ex, sexual banter). I'd be hacked off my "DH" was dragging me into it too, ridiculous.

Wingsofdesire · 18/03/2017 20:38

her ex then accused them of sleeping together and said he would come to our house and tell me about it

... I don't like this bit. Was her partner Polish? Because if so, the violent jealousy is quite a cultural norm then (not saying all Polish guys are like that!! But there's a definite cohort that are - and it's accepted.)

What I mean is, if we remove our British judgement of him as being crazy, he was being 'normally' jealous, because he felt a reason to be. He didn't like another guy telling him how to behave towards his GF. And he thought that guy must be fucking her if defending her like that. That was probably an over-reaction, but I do think that most guys really would not have called up the crazy violent jealous BF - they would have felt they'd make the situation worse, and bring his wrath also down on their heads, and that, precisely, the mad BF would deffo think that the guy was suspiciously on his GF's side.

So why did your DH risk all that and still call the guy? In an act which was pretty much definitely going to inflame the situation more?

Either just v. pleasant and quite naive or ... was being a bit of a knight in shining armour. If so, why? Just a decent guy? It all doesn't quite add up to me.

I wish you'd heard what the bad BF had to say. I want to know what he had to say.

Hmmmmmm. That was a big sigh. I think there's too much here. Too many dubious events and things said. Three years ago he was accused by her partner of having an affair with her. ...

He should literally stop all communication with her apart from at work. None of this texting and What's Apping and dancing shit. Nothing. And she should be told in no uncertain terms that the party is over.

I know a lot of women who go insane over even one or two words in a text, or just a 'thx'. They would have imploded at all the things you're having to 'understand'. ...

Wingsofdesire · 18/03/2017 20:40

Also, how come he knew so much about her being badly treated by the ex at the time? She was new in the job. And started straight out telling all about her home life? The whole thing sounds too intimate from the start. And she sounds like she was sharing more than one normally would. A lot more.

Pawpainting · 18/03/2017 21:30

If you checked your DHs emails for receipts after the flower delivery on Valentine's Day then that means you already were suspicious of their friendship before you found these messages? I would follow your instincts tbh and keep a close eye on things, but make sure he thinks that you've accepted his explanation! The pants thing btw is total rubbish, he was clearly talking about underwear.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 18/03/2017 21:46

I'm going to post this real life experience. Not someone I was close to, so don't know the full story, just what I was told. A couple of years ago, I started counselling training. A guy on the course turned up with his heavily pregnant wife (she'd driven him there and waited patiently in the common room while we had our induction session) He stated that he was a naturally caring person, and then repeatedly mentioned how he 'took care' of their Lithuanian neighbour as she'd been subjected to domestic violence. I'm going to sound like a cunt now, but as he spoke, something didn't sit quite right with me. He never turned up for the actual course and I forgot about him. Fast forward a few months later, and my sister, who runs a cleaning company, introduced me to her new staff - this dude and the OW (guess the fuck who). Pregnant girlfriend had been ditched. About a year later, I saw him on the train with the original girlfriend, clearly back together, cooing over their baby. We made the briefest of eye contact and it was a rather uncomfortable moment! I'd just be very, very mindful of that 'protective streak' in your partner. While women are constantly told that being confident/assertive /strong is attractive to men (Cosmo, Marie Claire etc) there sadly ARE men who find the opposite a turn on. Not saying your partner is like this but he should be way more concerned about his wife and two small children, than this woman and her issues. Alarm bells are ringing.

Original poster
wejammin · 18/03/2017 23:19

Wings Her ex was Asian, not saying that makes any difference. DH didn't call him specifically as I understand it, he had to speak to him for work at the time and the conversation escalated. He knew about the DV because the ex was waiting for her outside work several times, she knew I'm a family solicitor and asked him to ask me for advice. He was physically abusive in the past so I'm inclined towards believing he was just a nasty piece of work. And I deal with those every day at work so I'd like to think I'm not totally naive.

OP posts:
Original poster
wejammin · 18/03/2017 23:21

Now I feel like I'm defending DH. Don't get me wrong, still pissed off at him. Got my eyes wide open.

OP posts:
MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean · 18/03/2017 23:36

I get on really well with a guy at my work. We find the same things funny and we occasionally text each other e.g
about a TV program we both like.

Although I really like him, I am not attracted to him and I'm 100% sure the same is true for him. It feels more affectionate....like a sibling. I'd probably end up having a dance with him at the works party and there might be a photo of us together but there is nothing more. We are both married and have never sent any remotely dodgy messges.

The behaviour of your DH certainly doesn't sound innocent. Banter about knickers!? I'd be raging in your position.

BonnyScotland · 18/03/2017 23:42

this makes for very uncomfortable reading OP... Im sorry but your making excuses for them both.... and the Frilly Pants give me a ruddy break... he's seen her frilly pants... whether it be in a photo or in person... this is not innocent.. either way your Husband is emotionally involved with another woman.... he is disgusting... I would not trust either of them x

frieda909 · 19/03/2017 00:23

Hmmm, this is tricky.

After reading the first post, I was going to say that my partner has lots of female friends who he's known for years since he met me. He's very close to several of them and I know there is absolutely 0% sexual chemistry with any of them, but they chat regularly and quite candidly at times. I can definitely see them making silly jokes about underwear with each other, and I wouldn't find that inappropriate. So your initial post just sounded like silly banter between friends, to me.

But then he made that excuse about 'frilly pants' meaning trousers...

Incidentally, my partner is also from the north and says 'pants' to mean trousers all the time. So I asked him what 'frilly pants' means to him and he immediately said 'knickers, of course'. I asked him if he could ever imagine describing a pair of trouser in that way and he said no, definitely not. Frilly pants are knickers.

I expected your husband to say that the frilly pants comment was some silly in-joke or a reference to a previous conversation, or something. But for him to say 'oh no, I wasn't talking about knickers at all!' actually makes me more inclined to think that something IS up.

I do hope that it's all innocent - I can imagine that he just panicked and didn't want you to get the wrong idea about something which actually is just a silly joke. But either way, I'm definitely not buying that 'frilly pants' has anything to do with trousers Hmm

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 19/03/2017 00:45

There are plenty of men able to sustain platonic relationships with women. They don't usually refer to their underwear, describe themselves as 'work husbands' or get into rows with their female friend's partner. This is not a 'friendship' - at least, not any I've encountered before!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/03/2017 09:47

Until your post at 17:37 yesterday I was reading and thinking they are just friends.

She mentioned her Feb 14th bouquet of flowers but no reference to the sender? No speculation?

I can't say your DH would be convincing me that everything's on the level.

CharlieBoo · 19/03/2017 09:59

I'm sorry but I'd be keeping a very close eye on this.. the emails are completely inappropriate and with the added background of the ex I would be highly suspicious..

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 19/03/2017 10:10

Reading the first post, I thought, oh they're just friends. I work in an all male environment and we have 'banter' all the time. Admittedly he may have overstepped the mark a bit but nothing too awful.
The more you post, the more wrong I think I am. Trust your gut.

Fwiw my sister actually has a pair of what can only be described as frilly pink trousers. She's rather eclectic but manages to look fab. There's still no way your DH wasn't talking about trousers.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 19/03/2017 10:12

Oh for goodness sake;

There's no way he was talking about trousers!!

Sorry!