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Original poster

DH and colleague

132 replies

wejammin · 17/03/2017 20:24

I cant decide if I'm overreacting about my DH and his female colleague.

He used to be this lady's boss and I know they get on well, I always thought she was nice although she's quite chaotic in her personal life from what DH and her have told me. When I would take the kids into his work when they were babies she would fawn over them and be really nice to me.

Last year DH and I went to a wedding for one of their colleagues, she was also there. I had to leave to collect DS from school (it was a weekday afternoon). DH was supposed to be home in the evening but ended up coming back early morning, he said that there were no Taxis (it was in the countryside) so he and she had to wait and then she had no money so he had to go to the other side of the city to drop her off first before he could come home. Fair enough.

Then I saw the wedding photos, and he clearly has his arm around her waist in one.

I was looking for his sister's new address which I know she whatsapp'd him. Colleague had recently lost her brother and had gone to Poland for the funeral. I saw a message DH had sent her saying "how's my favourite Polish girl?".

I confronted DH saying I was upset and that it was inappropriate. He told me that they were just friends and he had no feelings for her in that way, he was trying to cheer her up etc.

I have periodically looked at his work emails since then. He is always asking her if she wants a drink or what she is doing for lunch, they seem to email every day but nothing too dodgy.

Today I had a look and there is an exchange, she compliments his pink socks and says she wants them. He says "fight you for them", he then says "they would go with your frilly pants".

They talk about lunch, then she says she is going with a friend who is getting filler in her lips, he says something along the lines of he hopes she's not getting it, it doesn't look nice.

They talk about work and she says something about him being "her husband-never-to-be", he says "I'll be your work husband" and she says "haha ok platonic love".

I'm so confused. Is there something going on here, and what should I do about it if there is?

OP posts:
Catherinebee85 · 17/03/2017 21:56

They may not have done anything but he's walking a dangerous line. You don't need to tell him what you've seen (you've been snooping I assume) but you could reiterate the way their relationship makes you feel. If he's even half decent he'll take a step away and do what he can to reassure you.

Bluntness100 · 17/03/2017 21:57

I'm of the opinion nothing is going on here at all and they are just mates having banter. I have a similar relationship with a male colleague of mine, we joke about Romantic duets, go mad on the dance floor, have banter like this, we puts his arm round me, and to other small minded people I'm sure they wonder wtf is going on and. Some nasty minds think something is.

Except I know he's gay. A very masculine gay but still gay. So nothing is there, and even if he was straight there would not be, because I don't fancy him and he doesn't fancy me. Oh and I'm married.

They say you can tell the people who are having an affair as they are the ones that suddenly never talk in the office, that are cautious about all communications, they hide it and they hide it hard. Your husbands just mates with this woman, nothing more nothing less. Unless he's an absolute and utter idiot, too stupid and uncaring to hide his communications even know you go through them, then nothing is going on, stop worrying. They probably don't even fancy each other.

228agreenend · 17/03/2017 22:00

I think Luna sums it up in the first reply - it could be nothing, it could be an emotopional affair.

Triskel · 17/03/2017 22:01

they are enjoying the attention and validation each is giving the other. It's how affairs are sparked. I'd want to discuss boundaries with him.

Hacpac · 17/03/2017 22:14

As a bloke I would say you need to be very wary of this.

Original poster
wejammin · 17/03/2017 22:16

So I burst into tears and blurted out everything I read and how hurt I felt.

DH was mortified that he had upset me. He accepted that it sounded flirtatious but they are only friends. He said it's just emails to pass boring hours at work, nothing serious and that is the general office atmosphere.

He said he was talking about her trousers not knickers, that's why he said pants.

He said if it upsets me he won't email her anymore or go out for lunch, but that they are just friends and he doesn't fancy her at all. He said he loves me more than anything and can't wait to leave every day to come home to me. Now I feel really silly.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 17/03/2017 22:18

It's definitely flirty conversation and can understand your discomfort. Things like "my favourite Polish girl" 2 "frilly knickers".... They are too personal.

I might compliment a colleagues shirt or suit, but I wouldn't put it in an email. It's just not necessary and that's how affairs often begin.

Related to something similar, I saw an episode of the 'say yes to the dress' and one woman took her male boss as part of the people to see her dress.

They referred to each other as work husband and wife and both their spouses knew about it.

How do you think you'd feel if you were called "my favourite English /Irish /Scottish girl " by a male colleague? Because that would be my point of challenge, along with the underwear comment.

If a male colleague said that to you, would you DH be okay with that?

Approach it in a calm manner, but get your point across and have him speak honestly.

His behaviour isn't appropriate for a married man and he needs to recognise that.

SandyY2K · 17/03/2017 22:26

X post.

Just saw your update. I hope things get better.

TheAntiBoop · 17/03/2017 22:28

Who wears frilly trousers?

Your last post makes it even more suspicious. And if he finds work so boring he needs to find a new job.

MissJC · 17/03/2017 22:29

Wingsofdesire that is one of the funniest typos I have ever read. Couldn't get my teeth in reading that Grin

pudding21 · 17/03/2017 22:53

I work with some Spanish guys, Serbian/ Italian/ Portuguese and Indian (among others) we are a tight team and don't share an office and most of our conversations are on Skype. I have great relationships with my male and female colleagues, and sometimes I will say "how is my favourite Spanish boy today" or " hows my favourite serbian girl today", we all banter....usually when i need them to do something ;). They do the same to me. We also travel a lot together for sometimes up to a week at a time (working and socialising with clients) and to my knowledge none of the team have got it on. Not even a hint of it.

Anyway, I am not suggesting nothing is going on, but it could just be banter. Although the frilly pants thing is a bit weird.............

Sweets101 · 17/03/2017 22:58

Work husband/wife isn't all that uncommon where i why, and it's always been platonic (as far as I'm aware)
Are you American? Is he American? Why is he calling her trousers pants. And who on earth has frilly pink trousers anyway?!
I do think that bit is a lie, but rest of it sounds within the realms of platonic officer 'banter'

rollonthesummer · 17/03/2017 23:00

Sorry, but your most recent post makes it seem much more likely something is going on and he's desperately trying to cover his tracks.

He said he was talking about her trousers not knickers, that's why he said pants

WTF??

Dappledsunlight · 17/03/2017 23:20

He should not be indulging in such flirtatious communication with a colleague - it's an insult to your relationship. What on earth does he think he's doing? He's probably flattered and she is too by sounds of it. My instinct would be to lay down the law on this one.

m0therofdragons · 17/03/2017 23:26

What the fuck are "frilly" trousers? I was giving the benefit of the doubt but that line is bullcrap.

Catrina1234 · 17/03/2017 23:27

Hmm I agree with everyone else - think they are on the brink of an emotional affair and you're clearly worried as you've been checking his phone (mind at least you have access to it) can you sat how long they have known each other.

And yes his excuse about "pink frilly pants" meaning trousers is pathetic. I can't imagine she wears pink frilly trousers to work. I know Americans call trousers pants but don't think your DH is American, and I think it would be far more likely to say "pants" than "knickers" - which is an ugly word and makes me think of school knickers, big and navy blue! Well they were when I went to school.

Maybe keep a watching brief.

LoveDeathPrizes · 17/03/2017 23:57

Actually, that trousers comment has done it for me. That's clearly a lie. No one wears pink frilly trousers. And the fact that he had to lie about it and did so with ease makes me wonder what else he's hiding.

LoveDeathPrizes · 18/03/2017 00:03

"if it upsets you..."

I hate this tactic. So unfair. Your reaction is absolutely justified and this is such a dismissive thing to say whilst ostensibly appearing to protect his oh-so-sensitive wife.

di2004 · 18/03/2017 00:43

I think he has crossed the line.
A husband who respects his wife doesn't ask some floosy at work about her frilly knickers. Nor should she be teasing (cos that's what it is) a married colleague.
What he has done is wrong and i think you know that.

BubblingUp · 18/03/2017 01:20

Normal banter where I work (I see it, don't participate in it as I am generation older than everyone else.) Since many of these flirters tell me their thoughts, I know they would make the jump from their current partner (if any) to one of their work spouses if the situation was ever ripe for it. It almost seems like they are collecting back burner people for possible future use. In the meantime, there is plausible deniability because nothing of substance has happened thus far and in many cases, nothing ever will.

RockyBird · 18/03/2017 01:35

The pants story is horseshit.

Holly3434 · 18/03/2017 02:32

He could just be having a laugh. I've got a good friend been mates with him for 10 years. I tease him as he's a Dr that he looks hot with his stethoscope, my DP knows I'm not meaning it because its banter and he's very secure in our relationship. It's friendly back answering chitchat yes inappropriate to some but harmless

HelenaDove · 18/03/2017 02:56

Hes not very good at thinking on his feet is he?

Pink frilly trousers. FFS!

sassandfaff · 18/03/2017 03:24

I have no idea if he's lying or not.

But I do know in my town, where I grew up and neighbouring towns (north west) knickers or underpants are the terms for underwear, and pants are trousers. It's not just an American thing.

I'm not sure I've ever seen pink frilly trousers though.........

SandyY2K · 18/03/2017 06:28

It's not just an American thing.

I agree with you. I've heard English people say that "that's a nice pair of pants" in reference to trousers.

I don't expect he's actually seen her knickers, so he's unlikely to be referring to that given his explanation.

Although, I doubt very much that he wouldn't be upset, if you had a similar conversation with a male colleague.