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Original poster

DH and colleague

132 replies

wejammin · 17/03/2017 20:24

I cant decide if I'm overreacting about my DH and his female colleague.

He used to be this lady's boss and I know they get on well, I always thought she was nice although she's quite chaotic in her personal life from what DH and her have told me. When I would take the kids into his work when they were babies she would fawn over them and be really nice to me.

Last year DH and I went to a wedding for one of their colleagues, she was also there. I had to leave to collect DS from school (it was a weekday afternoon). DH was supposed to be home in the evening but ended up coming back early morning, he said that there were no Taxis (it was in the countryside) so he and she had to wait and then she had no money so he had to go to the other side of the city to drop her off first before he could come home. Fair enough.

Then I saw the wedding photos, and he clearly has his arm around her waist in one.

I was looking for his sister's new address which I know she whatsapp'd him. Colleague had recently lost her brother and had gone to Poland for the funeral. I saw a message DH had sent her saying "how's my favourite Polish girl?".

I confronted DH saying I was upset and that it was inappropriate. He told me that they were just friends and he had no feelings for her in that way, he was trying to cheer her up etc.

I have periodically looked at his work emails since then. He is always asking her if she wants a drink or what she is doing for lunch, they seem to email every day but nothing too dodgy.

Today I had a look and there is an exchange, she compliments his pink socks and says she wants them. He says "fight you for them", he then says "they would go with your frilly pants".

They talk about lunch, then she says she is going with a friend who is getting filler in her lips, he says something along the lines of he hopes she's not getting it, it doesn't look nice.

They talk about work and she says something about him being "her husband-never-to-be", he says "I'll be your work husband" and she says "haha ok platonic love".

I'm so confused. Is there something going on here, and what should I do about it if there is?

OP posts:
FrankUnderwoodsWife · 18/03/2017 06:44

Maybe your DH is just guilty of being silly and enjoying a woman's attentions, but if he is her superior, then he has also behaved spectacularly inappropriately in a professional environment. I'd be furious for that alone! It sounds like he was enjoying his ego being massaged by a young woman...... And whilst it may all be innocent now, remember the adage - keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. If she has designs on your husband, of course she'd want to be friendly with you.

Personally, I have never ever felt the need to WhatsApp or email a work colleague outside of work, unless it's something pertaining to the job. Your DH needs to understand how foolish he has been, how unprofessional it makes him look, how he could have potentially placed himself in a compromising position, and should take this opportunity to grow up a bit at work.

Nip this flirtation in the bud right now.

EmeraldScorn · 18/03/2017 07:01

I googled "frilly trousers" and actually they do exist (they look horrendous) but your husband is a liar - There is no way on this earth that he was referring to trousers. If he's going to lie he needs to make it convincing!

She likes him and is testing the waters with her "husband-never-to-be" remarks, she's fishing to see if he takes the bait. They are flirting, she wants it to go further in my opinion but I hope he has the common sense not to entertain any notion of cheating. He is enjoying her friendship a little too much though and that's usually how it starts, banter/harmless innuendo, stroking each other's ego etc and then sex.

Cricrichan · 18/03/2017 07:02

We have similar banter with our WhatsApp conversations (but the wives and husbands are also part of the conversation or its openly on Facebook where everyone can see). I wouldn't be comfortable with that type of banter where nobody else has open access.

It sounds like your husband fancies her a bit and he shouldn't be constantly messaging her etc but doesn't sound like anything has happened. I'm from a different country and have sometimes been referred to as 'my favourite *country name girl'.

I hope that he'll reign it in now he realises that it upsets you.

Eminado · 18/03/2017 07:04

yes inappropriate to some but harmless

Why do this with another man when you are in a relationship though? Confused
Seems so disrespectful to me.

Original poster
wejammin · 18/03/2017 07:32

I've slept on it and I'm still pretty pissed off with him, will definitely be keeping an eye on it.

Luckily he leaves his phone lying around all the time which is linked to his work emails.

If he suddenly starts taking it with him everywhere at least it's an indication that something's changed.

WRT "pants", he does sometimes say pants for trousers (we are in North west) and she does have quite, erm, elaborate dress sense so I suppose it's not impossible (Yes I know, straws, clutching)

OP posts:
Wingsofdesire · 18/03/2017 07:46

And yes his excuse about "pink frilly pants" meaning trousers is pathetic.

It is hilarious. I actually have tears of laughter in my eyes.

But I'm v. sorry, jamm ... that is a really ludicrous excuse. He was clearly caught off-guard.

There is only one excuse for the pink frilly pants comment. They've had a discussion at some point about her underwear being no doubt something she spends a lot of money and effort on - if she's an elaborate dresser, some flirty conversation at some point will have gone into how she has fabulous knickers, etc - and it was a reference to that. I do think it was a reference to something previously discussed, so a continuation of a theme, as it were.

And discussing her underwear means both of them thinking about what her underwear is covering, and about him getting in there. Sorry if that sounds crude at not even 8 on a Saturday morning, but let's face it, that is what that kind of flirty conversation is all about.

He's said all the right things to you (apart from his 'pants' comment), but I am sure he is flirting strong and you are right to keep an eye on it.

Leave your own phone around with a text from some guy saying 'Love your sexy knickers baby' and see how he takes it.

Kittencatkins123 · 18/03/2017 08:53

They are flirting, he is lying and minimising. Being bored isn't a justification. It upsets you and he should stop. I don't believe the pants as trousers line for a second.

I work in a mixed office and there can be flirty banter - one of the guys on my team is naturally very flirty - but it's all spoken and open, no one is emailing or texting each other, and with that guy, it's pretty much with every single girl in the office, so obviously meaningless. There is none of this one-on-one 'husband never to be' crap (bluergh).

It's very disrespectful of him (and her obviously but he is your problem).

I think you need to not get upset, just calmly say this is bullshit and not something you're prepared to accept in a relationship, and it's not something anyone would accept, so can he just sort himself out and stop being so selfish and thoughtless ~or you'll get your own husband never to be~

Good luck Flowers

Hacpac · 18/03/2017 09:11

I have been close to 3 women at work in 30 years and to be frank I would have been happy to have a relationship with all three had I and they not already been in relationships. It's very easy to become emotionally involved with people who you work very closely with.

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 18/03/2017 10:02

@Hacpac, I love your honesty! Of course it's easy to develop deeper feelings for someone you work with all day, share commonality you don't have with your partner, and probably spend more time with.

You don't have any of the drudgery and minutiae of being in a relationship. But decent people don't act on it.

The OP should read her DH the riot act, I would with my DH. His behaviour with this woman is unacceptable I'm sure if his messages between her became public knowledge within work he would be embarrassed.

Huskylover1 · 18/03/2017 10:37

They talk about work and she says something about him being "her husband-never-to-be", he says "I'll be your work husband" and she says "haha ok platonic love"

Sorry, but I'd go fucking nuclear at this ^^

My first husband cheated on me (for 20 yrs, although I didn't know until later), and my now DH knows that is there is ever any crossing of lines with a female, that I would walk.

I do think he's crossed a line here. Aside from him knowing what her underwear is like, why is she talking about love?

She is trampling all over your territory, in plain sight. What are you going to do about it?

And sorry, btw. At best your DH has been a bit flattered and over stepped without really thinking, at worst it could go further.

I think if it was me, I'd message her and tell her to fuck off with her inappropriate messages. I know many wouldn't, but there you go. I'd also tell him, that if I ever saw any more messages of this type, that our marriage would be over.

Wingsofdesire · 18/03/2017 12:08

I'll be your work husband

I'd forgotten that bit.

Yes, that whole exchange is basically saying she wants him and him saying yes he wants her too. And then them sort of agreeing that at work they can 'pretend' they're together (secretly). There must be a special word for this kind of role playing. And it is, I'm afraid, so often the prelude to a full affair.

If he didn't fancy her, he absolutely wouldn't have said 'I'll be your work husband'. He'd have recoiled from the come-on of her saying he was her husband-she'd-never-have. He'd have thought 'oh blimey, she's getting the wrong end of the stick here' - and he'd have said something like 'ah, sorry, got the most perfect wife - am taken' - or some such. He would have set it out, I think.

If he didn't fancy her.

But he does, so he didn't want to put her off. He didn't want to stop the flirty line. So he encouraged her with his response. Actively encouraged her.

I'm so sorry but this is so so so obviously flirtatious. I would also have been in bits at the whole virtual husband exchange. It really isn't a place he should be going, or a conversation he can indulge himself in.

No.

Wingsofdesire · 18/03/2017 12:09

What does she look like? Is she sexy? Do guys fancy her? Is it credible that your husband would be completely impervious to her attractions? Is she positively repellent?

jeaux90 · 18/03/2017 12:25

Hmmmmm ok well the work husband thing is something I have heard loads in my career. I have used it myself but it doesn't mean anything except you seem to be spending more time with each other than your partners. Not a flirt comment in the context I have used it or heard it used. You understand more about the context though.

HarmlessChap · 18/03/2017 13:33

Yeah the work wife/husband isn't necessarily anything to worry about. I've heard it loads and it's always been a tongue in cheek reference to spending more time with them than with their loved one.

Oddsockspissmeoff · 18/03/2017 13:35

The amount of contact is telling. Does he email other people every day? Or you? Personally I'd tell him to cut the shit or get out. And bollocks to the friends shit. Would he email a male friend in the same manner? Would he fuck.

SparklingRaspberry · 18/03/2017 14:01

OP, would she get away with wearing bright pink frilly trousers for work? Hmm

If not then you know he's talking a load of crap.

Original poster
wejammin · 18/03/2017 14:04

She's not bad looking. Very well groomed. I wouldn't have said she was his type but then I'm not sure that makes a difference here.

He does email me everyday, and other people. He's one of those annoyingly efficient people who manages to meet all his targets whilst still being relaxed at work. I don't always email him back because I'm not always office based.

OP posts:
Original poster
wejammin · 18/03/2017 14:06

They have dress down Fridays. The socks were pale pink. I think she might wear pale pink frilly trousers. I think she gets a lot of clothes at places like Lipsy. We are not similar in that respect Hmm

OP posts:
Wingsofdesire · 18/03/2017 14:46

She sounds like a pain in the neck and now think: if you were talking like that to a guy, and you were single, would you be flirting?

jeaux90 · 18/03/2017 14:52

I'm going to play the other side of this. Been single for years in a all male environment and never flirted but the language around work husbands etc is commonplace.

As is banter. I would not think twice about a couple of close male colleagues putting a gentle arm round me if we were dancing or in a busy pub etc

They have wives, mostly they love their wives, they banter, message with a couple of them who I consider friends.

As long as there has been no sexual flirting then I think it all sounds ok although the frilly pants thing did leave me a bit Hmm

SaltySeaDog72 · 18/03/2017 15:13

Is it me or does anyone else find the term 'work husband' totally 'boak' Envy ?

Am I just really old fashioned and out of touch? Admittedly I work in a very female environment so this may have just passed me by...

I do get that people have different styles of communication and closeness with colleagues in different fields/environments etc and obviously different boundaries wrt this sort of thing.

Catrina1234 · 18/03/2017 15:20

"she might wear pale pink frilly trousers............."" Come on OP you really are kidding yourself. I think it's fine if you want to see this ass innocent but pale pink frilly trousers to work - NO - that's not "dress down" that's fancy dress! He mean her pants as in a garment covering the genital area, He must be thanking his lucky stars you accepted his explanation.

FizzyJapes · 18/03/2017 15:22

I don't know. The pink frilly pants thing is just ew and gross and bizarre on so many levels. If a man I was with wrote that to a woman I'd be going ballistic. OR I'd be having a quiet think about what kind of man he really was.

TheAntiBoop · 18/03/2017 15:28

the emails are unprofessional. If it is all innocent in his part and she has a crush it could all end very badly if she feels scorned. Those messages in his bosses hands could make things very uncomfortable

There is a line with colleagues and he is dancing on it at the moment

christmaswreaths · 18/03/2017 15:29

I would be fuming if it was my Dh. Not sure I would have mentioned it though, probably would have watched closely.

By the way I am also the only foreign woman in the office and dress Lipsy style/ am surrounded by men - none of them have ever talked to me in this way, it is pretty disrespectful - but I am fierce/serious type.