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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

People who know the truth still have to ask for permission to leave.

136 replies

flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 17:18

Why is this?

If you have reservations you think it through, give it a bit of time, and then go if it is not working out.

Why do people stress about this?

I do realise that children and debts, mortgages and all the rest of it come in to play, but they will still be there if you stay or leave.

OP posts:

HappyJanuary · 26/02/2017 17:34

In my case, a desire to keep the family unit together, to prevent any upheaval or unhappiness for the dc, not wanting family or friends to think I'd 'given up too easily', a belief that with enough effort I could get us back to how we had once been, an unwillingness to accept that I'd 'failed' at marriage, a fear that things might actually end up worse for me (lonely, poorer) and a disbelief/denial that my wonderful marriage was dead. It's a big decision, not easy at all.

Offred · 26/02/2017 17:37

Usually two reasons at opposite ends of the spectrum IMO; 1. Entitlement and 2. Low self worth due to abuse.

This is a bit of a thorny issue though as people asking this question are usually smugging about how much better they are than people who are not able to leave abusive relationships.

RaisinsAndApple · 26/02/2017 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loveyoulots · 26/02/2017 17:45

@Offred,

Sweeping statement there about those who might be "smugging" as you call it.

I don't think that is the case at all. Most people will give freely of their own experiences. Good or bad. I just don't think it actually helps the person.

They have to know what is right for them and make their own decisions.

There is always the possibility that some women do not want or feel comfortable about admitting that things have gone south.

I was one of them in times past. I just left after six months having tried to appease everyone. And I suffered from that appeasement.

Happy out now. No help from message boards in those days.

Naicehamshop · 26/02/2017 17:49

I think that your question shows an extraordinary lack of empathy op.

mineofuselessinformation · 26/02/2017 17:57

Have you ever been in that situation, flowers?

Original poster

flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 18:00

@Naicehamshop,

Why do you think that? One liner put downs are easy without any backup.

It is easy for people to look for help on an anonymous board without just doing it themselves with outside help.

OK I get the message that I have no empathy in your view, but I have common sense too. There are far too many posts here that go on for pages and weeks, same ol same ol.

OP posts:

MopedManiac · 26/02/2017 18:02

It wasn't until the abuse escalated in a very rapid way that the scales were ripped from my eyes. When I was in the maelstrom I couldn't tell which way was up; I was too busy stopping myself from drowning to think about leaving, let alone how to go about it.

As someone posted on my message board (which I sincerely believe saved me!) - I had reached my 'enough is enough moment'. Everyone's threshold of abuse is different I guess.

Original poster

flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 18:03

Yes I have been in that situation.

Was awful. I got through it. With lots of difficulty, but did not think of posting my life on a message board either.

Each to their own. I am obviously the creature from hell now. But so be it.

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 26/02/2017 18:06

honestly, I think even posing this question shows an extraordinary lack of empathy. Why do you think people stress about this?

Could it be that they have not been taught to value themselves outside a relationship?
Could it be that they have swallowed society's line that children are better in a family set up?
Could it be that they are being financially abused and literally have only the £10 note they managed to squirrel away from getting cash back in their pocket?
Could it be that they are scared for their lives and their children's lives?
Could it be that they are depressed, friendless, hopeless?
Could it be one of a million reasons that makes 'just going' seem impossible?

Buzzardbird · 26/02/2017 18:07

Weird thread. Everyone's situation is, of course, different. Sometimes your life is being threatened and you have to be very careful how you leave, sometimes you have children to consider (this makes it so much harder in my opinion), sometimes you have nowhere to go and no-one to turn to.

Thank God that people can air their feeling and fears on here, for weeks, months or years if need be.

Original poster

flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 18:18

Why post here first, instead of getting professional help to start off with?

I suppose it's because there is no help out there from friends and family or work colleagues, Women's Aid, solicitors, counsellors or anywhere else. But all the help can come from here?

Come on.

OP posts:

Esoteric · 26/02/2017 18:23

I am in this position and at the moment in limbo. I think for many it's a variation on the AIBU theme, we somehow want to see that others too would 'feel the same' and can see where we are coming from. Maybe it's just a trait in women in particular and many of us have no one they really want to discuss it with IRL if they are 'unsure'. To be honest even the professionals have varying points of view, a counsellor effectively told me just to move on , even if it makes me poor and jobless for a while, a lawyer told me to stay, milk it, save up and see how I feel in 2 years. As no kids involved now she felt better to be crafty in comfort whilst taking stock

MopedManiac · 26/02/2017 18:24

Well when Women's Aid don't answer (they phoned me back the next morning!) and I was so isolated from friends & family, I needed a rapid response as I felt so alone and lost.

I credit the women who supported me on here with giving me the feeling that I wasn't alone and was supported. I drew strength from a faceless wall of sisters.

theansweris42 · 26/02/2017 18:25

what can we say OP?
You dealt with it in your way, without the support of an online community.
Others deal with it on their way, which may include support here.
And whose threads you need not read or contribute to.
If posting here helps people marshal their thoughts and/or get advice/links /resources then that's good isn't it?
It's a bit of a non-discussion.

theansweris42 · 26/02/2017 18:27

also professional help for thoughts and feelings, which would.seem to be counselling services is either a long long wait or expensive.
You haven't asked, but I think YABU.

Offred · 26/02/2017 18:28

Ah so you are smugging about how you left on your own without seeking support on MN...

clearly other people sharing painful experiences as they get to grips with an awful reality they are experiencing bothers you... can't think why you'd want to hang around on this board then...

Original poster

flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 18:33

I expected more vitriol. But that's ok. Maybe more to come.

Sometimes I just look at the "leaving threads" and think, FFS read the previous ones, you know what to do now, there is a process, hard and all as that is for you.

LTFB, or go the Womens Aid route are obvious. Together with legal advice. and the support of family and friends. I don't know how anyone here can help with anything else really.

Just to say that I have read many threads where all the advice under the sun was given, and still the OP came back with more trauma. Yes, that is real for them. But honestly, there is only so much an anonymous board can do.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 26/02/2017 18:34

I'm so glad your breakup wasn't that difficult for you but you are sorely mistaken in believing you are better than those for whom it was different to your experience.

Offred · 26/02/2017 18:36

Hmm... what is worse someone repeatedly asking for help and not taking advice or someone starting a judgey goady thread in a place people come for support even though they have been through similar and should know how hard it is to leave?

Avioleta · 26/02/2017 18:41

I didn't seek advice from Women's Aid because I didn't think it was 'that bad'. I had the idea that WA was only for those who were in immediate physical danger and that wasn't me. I was reluctant to engage with other agencies because I was ashamed. I was a middle class professional who did a good job of 'passing' as a normal person in a normal relationship. I felt that my HV 'approved' of me as a parent and thought that if she knew what was going on at home she would wouldn't think I was a good mum anymore. I couldn't talk to my friends - again because I was ashamed.

I also felt hugely guilty about thinking about leaving. I felt my DCs deserved both parents all the time.

So. Online was the only place I could freely talk.

Original poster

flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 18:41

I don't think I said I was better than anyone else did I? But put downs are the default option here it seems.

And if one doesn't agree with a poster, that poster is obviously goady and judgey. That seems to be the common or garden response now.

Any room for a different view ?

OP posts:

Offred · 26/02/2017 18:43

I called you goady because you framed your criticism in a question which you knew to be goady.

I called you judgey because you seem to find it distasteful for people to post about their relationships online and that was why you started the goady thread. 'Each to their own' only thinly veils your judgement.

HTH.

MumBod · 26/02/2017 18:45

I had to put up with a shit marriage for five years after I said I wanted out because XH refused to go for counselling, have a trial separation or leave.

He said, "You made a promise and I'm holding you to it."

I wasn't going to leave my kids with him as he was useless, so I had little choice.

After five years he eventually took me seriously.

Offred · 26/02/2017 18:46

Maybe if you take a step back and view your thread through the eyes of every woman who has left and gone back to an abuser or who has struggled to acknowledge reality which is virtually every woman who has experienced abuse you will see why your thread lacks empathy understatement.

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