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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

People who know the truth still have to ask for permission to leave.

136 replies

flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 17:18

Why is this?

If you have reservations you think it through, give it a bit of time, and then go if it is not working out.

Why do people stress about this?

I do realise that children and debts, mortgages and all the rest of it come in to play, but they will still be there if you stay or leave.

OP posts:
Offred · 26/02/2017 18:48

Also I would suggest that if you really don't understand you read the reems of research and educated opinion on the issue and you don't choose a support board like this to parade around your ignorance.

Original poster
flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 18:49

Offred,

I get the feeling that you want to criticise views for the sake of it somehow. I could be wrong but I would not dare to call you goady or judgey for your views. FWIW.

OP posts:
Offred · 26/02/2017 18:53

You don't know my views but pah... if I was being goady and judgey there would be absolutely nothing wrong with calling me out on it.

I'm criticising your views and your moral character btw as starting this thread here is a particularly shitty thing to do.

PollytheDolly · 26/02/2017 18:54

OP are you for real?

Joysmum · 26/02/2017 19:01

I don't think I said I was better than anyone else did I?

You said YOU have common sense, which is clear in its accusation that others don't, ergo you are better than anyone else.

Original poster
flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 19:01

I am real. I have gone through shit you wouldn't believe.

Some threads here are just so repetitive. A search would help some people out really. But no, it has to be a repetition of millions of similar threads already. Same advice, LTB, go to WA, get a free hour with a solicitor, get your passports and the kids docs, get some money together. FGS is that not evident already?

But you as a collective have made your minds up that I lack empathy, which I don't. I am also apparently goady and judgmental, where is this label evident please?

OP posts:
Offred · 26/02/2017 19:03

I am real. I have gone through shit you wouldn't believe.

That doesn't give you licence to behave like a total dick to other people.

Lf803 · 26/02/2017 19:09

It obviously comforts people. Why don't you just stop reading them. Shame it bothers you that much, Says more about you than anyone posting about their raw real life feelings! Most people here that I can see/read try to help and empower each other. Seems you have missed that point totally!

Original poster
flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 19:10

Offred,

I appreciate that you have issues with my post, but that doesn't mean you have to be judgey and goady.

OP posts:
Original poster
flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 19:13

LF,

Ok I know it comforts people, but if it boils down to getting all your comfort and information from a message board, it is difficult not to be a bit sceptical..

I could be the bat out of hell. Posters in difficulty can be the same.

Reality is not on a message board is it? But the responders might like to think that they are angels from Heaven.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 26/02/2017 19:13

Some threads here are just so repetitive

The thanks to your highly developed common sense you'll realise these repetive threads are not all by the same author. You'll also realise that people need to express themselves and want people to to respond to them as individuals.

Your hightend intelligence gleaned from your superior skills will also allow you to appreciate that when people are at their lowest, some cunt making barbed thinly disguised comments ridiculing their feelings can cause untold damage and you'll apologise and ask for your comments to be deleted.

Offred · 26/02/2017 19:14

How goady of you... Grin

Joysmum · 26/02/2017 19:16

Oh and here's a dumbed down example.

I don't have a fear of spiders, this doesn't mean I can't understand that this is a possibility for others and how this makes them feel because we are all different.

MopedManiac · 26/02/2017 19:17

Well I'm glad I didn't come across this thread just before I reached out for help!

Original poster
flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 19:18

So I take it that you all realise I am right!

Thanks.

I really wouldn't be so confrontational if even one respondent had a different view to the collective.

OP posts:
Offred · 26/02/2017 19:19

Ah yes... that age old thing where everyone unanimously calling you a dick when you are being a dick means you are actually just more intelligent/sensible/rational than everyone else....

Hmm
PollytheDolly · 26/02/2017 19:19

Repetitive yes, shame it happens to people so much isn't it. But each situation is personal to that individual.

MopedManiac · 26/02/2017 19:20

Coz if I had I might have felt a bit stupid and that night perhaps would have ended very differently! And not in a good way!

Offred · 26/02/2017 19:20

Are you sure you aren't my x?

RubbishMantra · 26/02/2017 19:22

I'll tell you my reasons for staying in an abusive relationship. I had no idea what a functioning and healthy relationship should look like. When I told my mother ex-partner was hitting me (and worse), her response was, "Why don't you just push him off you?!" It was my normal. And that level of abuse makes you feel ashamed, because abusers will ensure you're isolated from anyone who will tell you that that healthy relationships aren't abusive. They will also tell you the abuse is your fault, because, "Everyone knows what you're like, and that you deserve it."

Plus I owned the house we lived in outright, so it wasn't as simple as fleeing, and I wasn't going to let that wanky piece of crap have it.

I wish I'd had MN back then, to collectively tell me "No, this is NOT normal!"

Original poster
flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 19:23

Offred,

I could be! Who knows on an anonymous board anyway.

Which is my basic point.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 26/02/2017 19:26

Because it's anonymous is it's beauty in genuine cases.

RubbishMantra · 26/02/2017 19:29

In fact OP, are you my mother? Your victim blaming posts sound a lot like her...

Original poster
flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 19:30

Polly,

I know and appreciate that fact. But there are so many similar threads going on that I shake my head sometimes.

But then again I apparently have no empathy, I am a bitch, a troll or whatever. OK, but I have a view on this but the collective don't agree. Fine,

But it is a discussion worth having all the same.

OP posts:
GreyStars · 26/02/2017 19:31

Personally I think your question would have been better placed in AIBU. Rather than on a board, where real people, who perhaps have little or no support in RL come for advise, guidance or maybe just to feel that little bit less alone.

I sincerely hope that this very unkind (IMO) thread doesn't put off someone who needs a hand hold or some kindness.

No two situations are the same, and whilst some threads will be similar there will always be differences and sometimes people need to write down their thoughts on a forum such as this to help them come to terms with what is happening in the real world.

If writting somewhere here helps someone, I have no clue why anyone would begrudge them that, let alone start a thread that could make a potentially vulnerable person question themselves.