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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

People who know the truth still have to ask for permission to leave.

136 replies

flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 17:18

Why is this?

If you have reservations you think it through, give it a bit of time, and then go if it is not working out.

Why do people stress about this?

I do realise that children and debts, mortgages and all the rest of it come in to play, but they will still be there if you stay or leave.

OP posts:
Offred · 26/02/2017 19:32

There is no discussion.

You are, you claim, ignorant of the reasons people seek peer support whilst in an abusive relationship....

So read all the available literature and educate yourself.

Offred · 26/02/2017 19:33

There is literally no reason for you to post this thread here even if your ignorance is genuine.

To post it here is just plain dickish.

Original poster
flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 19:38

I agree that I should have put this in AIBU. But in fairness, most of the issues being discussed ARE topics relevant to the Relationships board.

But I am neither infallible nor omnipotent WRT placing posts.

Still I am open to being told off. And will take it on the chin.

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 26/02/2017 19:41

" I have gone through shit you wouldn't believe"

How on earth did that happen OP, with your superior knowledge?

costaricachica · 26/02/2017 19:42

Wow.

One really does like the sound of one's voice. [Yawn]

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 26/02/2017 19:43

The first stage of grief Is denial.

In the instance of "knowing" your brain tries to erase this truth.
You " know" and " don't know" at the same time..so rather than start to put in place the machinery of seperation and change you first have to confirm which of your conflicting realities is the truth.
Reading about someone elses realisation does not stabilise your own reality.
So you ask ..this is real isn't it?

That's why

Original poster
flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 19:43

Sounds like I am right overall.

Your responses are not convincing me TBH.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 26/02/2017 19:44

I've gone through shit you wouldn't believe too.

But that's made me very empathic towards others. Also quite hard as well when needed. You can be both.

MopedManiac · 26/02/2017 19:44

Yes! What Neighbour said!

AnyFucker · 26/02/2017 19:47

You sound like you have been drinking, op

embarrassedoverhere · 26/02/2017 19:47

You come across as arrogant, ignorant and lacking in empathy.

costaricachica · 26/02/2017 19:51

Yes anyfucker! Spot on.Gin

mineofuselessinformation · 26/02/2017 19:51

No, you're not right, as many posters have said.
You seem to think people know the instance their relationship is in trouble - many don't. It takes time to realise and it's often accompanied by lots of self-doubt, which is why people post, of course, not to mention the moral support that they get.
If you can't see that, then maybe your experiences of breakups haven't given you the experience or empathy to understand.

GreyStars · 26/02/2017 19:53

I just don't know why you feel the need to open a discussion surrounding why people want to share their personal stories at all. Your comments do come across like your looking down on people and judging them for needing support in a way different to what you needed.

What does it matter if a similar question has been asked before, or if the responses are the same? These are vulnerable people who need some kindness and often to release their emotions you questioning their need to discuss it on a public forum is unkind at best.

If it helps someone, it helps someone and without people sharing their stories those who don't feel the courage to reach out wouldn't have so much information to read through.

MN is built on people sharing their stories on all sorts of subject matters to seek support and others helping with their own personal tales. If you look across the entire site is repetitive of similar problems or issues on a daily basis, most of which could be answered by googling but some people want the support from others and why would you ever want to deny them. If you don't like it why not just not bother reading within these topics.

I think it's awful that you have questioned this and I just hope someone needing help isn't put off by this.

RebelRogue · 26/02/2017 20:03

There might be a billion threads going at the same time. It doesn't matter...to the poster,their confusion,pain and heartbreak is unique and personal. Many women post for a confirmation that their relationship is abusive,because after years of it,they don't know anymore. And they might read some threads and still say..."but he's not that bad,he doesn't do x". There are counsellors and dv advisors in domestic violent relationships. They should know their shit right? Only they don't. Like a poster said,sometimes when you are in a situation you don't even know which way is up,and even if you would advice a friend to leave,it doesn't apply to you...because the kids..He's a good dad...he does love me etc.
If out of all the threads,even one woman takes the advice and gets herself and her kids out and stays safe,then it's all worth it.

RebelRogue · 26/02/2017 20:07

P.s. If DH would suddenly turn abusive,i know i would struggle to leave because he truly is amazing with dd. She loves him to bits...can't wait for him to come through the door and wakes herself up in the morning to give him a cuddle. She cries when she doesn't. It would break her heart to see him every other weekend or whatever. And i would struggle with that.

Original poster
flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 20:09

When not one person agrees, I know I have some backup for my own view, odd as that might seem.

Anything off the Mumsnet grid is grist to the mill.

And of course the default option is to say someone is drinking if you don't agree FFS. That is so easy and so disparaging.

Play the ball, not the player.

OP posts:
Offred · 26/02/2017 20:11

So you started a goady thread to goad people so that when people got annoyed you could feel superior?!

There are words for that - bully is one and troll is another.

RebelRogue · 26/02/2017 20:13

Play the ball, not the player.

Play the game and fuck the player Grin

MopedManiac · 26/02/2017 20:17

When not one person agrees, I know I have some backup for my own view, odd as that might seem.

No, that's just pure arrogance OP.

Original poster
flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 20:21

Some posters seem to be very defensive. And some are offensive. I wonder why that is?

Hmm. Opposing the Mumsnet collective view is something frightens them maybe.

Don't worry, I can take all the vitriol there is. I have been through as much as you can imagine. But there we are.

And I haven't been offensive either, have I, but maybe an opposing view is just not allowed and has to be shut off with a bashing of the OP, ie me...OK. I get it.

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 26/02/2017 20:25

Are you ok op? You sound a little deranged

RebelRogue · 26/02/2017 20:25

Oh so you don't actually want a discussion but rather just keep on ranting. Have fun.

Esoteric · 26/02/2017 20:26

I think it's important to realise that often people are looking maybe for that mumsnetter who has walked in your shoes in a specific situation, I for instance found about an emotional affair from 11 years ago where my husband had written it all down in the firms of poems/song lyrics, I only found out 2 months ago, was someone we both knew and she was but a young woman . It's quite specific and for me devastating . I know all the options as you say, I'm a sharp woman, it still doesn't stop me wanting empathy and particularly if anyone else has been in a similar position and what they chose to do.

LinManWellWellWell · 26/02/2017 20:29

Well, if people hadn't posted these 'repetitive' threads I would never have realised my H is abusive. I would have continued to think it was something I could fix if only I could do a,b or c. And no, I haven't yet left, because I personally need to feel I gave him every opportunity to own his behaviour, before making this huge decision. However during this 'limbo' period there are times my head is spinning. Fortunately I have rl friends who will drop everything at a moment's notice and let me rant whilst I untangle my brain. For those who don't have that, these threads are a source of encouragement and sanity.

I think the difficult things you've experienced have made you quite hard.