Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

People who know the truth still have to ask for permission to leave.

136 replies

flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 17:18

Why is this?

If you have reservations you think it through, give it a bit of time, and then go if it is not working out.

Why do people stress about this?

I do realise that children and debts, mortgages and all the rest of it come in to play, but they will still be there if you stay or leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 21:52

@mysinkingheart

Great that you can figure that out from afar. I am doing no such thing, not that you care. You and others have made your minds up about me.

So be it. I will not be bullied by derogatory name calling. That's easy.

OP posts:

mysinkingheart · 26/02/2017 21:52

You can delete me too but I say troll

RaisinsAndApple · 26/02/2017 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mysinkingheart · 26/02/2017 21:57

Not feeding this beast with a reply.

Have reported in case it puts people off posting who genuinely need support.

Original poster

flowersalloverme · 26/02/2017 21:58

OK, Report my posts.

I am not a troll.

I put it to you... is it a hanging offence to have an opinion that does not conform to everyone else's view?

Remember I do have empathy with those who have gone through a horrible break up.

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 26/02/2017 22:00

There's more to leaving an abusive relationship than "horrible breakup". Just sayin'.

Love2all2017 · 26/02/2017 22:02

I actually came on here tonight (I don't use MN that much tbh) because i am looking for answers and support for my emotionally abusive marriage. This thread was the first thing that came up for some reason... Luckily, I'm strong enough not to read too much into the tone of the post which would make me feel worse about my situation because of the ambiguity I have about it. (Shout out to neighbours who posted a brilliant bit on grief and having 2 realities. That explains a lot)

I wish it was that straightforward flowers, to just make up your mind and go. And it will be -once I have finally made up my mind for the last time! But That decision has a lot to do with having clarity, strong self-esteem, and really trusting that there is a bright and positive future for yourself outside of this. Some days I think I have that and I think my mind is made up. But then many other days, the doubts, fears, and every reason i've ever been given as to why I can't handle life outside it seem overwhelming and it puts me 10 steps back. You are right, many people eventually do just what you suggest. But many people also, like myself I think, are absolutely stuck in a state of limbo because of 100 different factors which all make the option of leaving seem insurmountable at times.

I find it interesting that despite what you have gone through, you say the amount of posts people have made regarding the Same situation bothers you. Why does that irritate you? the underlying emotion of irritation is anger. And the base emotion behind anger is ultimately sadness. So why do you feel angry and ultimately sad about people getting tailored support? Perhaps there is still some sadness there for you about your situation before? Perhaps the lack of support that you got even though you chose not to seek it out? Either way, can you see how someone telling me dierectly that they believe I can do it and that I have the strength to do it is different from me reading about someone else telling someone else in need that they can do it?

Offred · 26/02/2017 22:05

It is nothing to do with you having an ignorant opinion and everything to do with showing off about your ignorant opinion; that people shouldn't post on here for support, on here in the place people come to for support.

You seem to have little understanding of the damage that can do... or you care less than you care about making sure everyone knows your opinion.

No-one is interested in hearing that you find other people's tragedies boring and annoying. We are angry and dismayed you have chosen here to moan.... but then again I think you knew this would be the result before you posted, that's why you attempted the 'discussion' line and why you are complaining about bullying and 'the collective'.

Angleshades · 26/02/2017 22:05

But why does it bother you so much op? So what if people are asking for help again and again and again... if it helps someone then it's a good thing.

lovingyalots · 26/02/2017 22:07

Tomorrow is another day.

No offence was intended, and I am not a Troll. Just someone with an opinion that may not conform with the usual way of responding to things in this regard.

Thanks for the put downs and the disparagement. I can deal with that.

Offred · 26/02/2017 22:07

Remember I do have empathy with those who have gone through a horrible break up.

If this were true you wouldn't think your right to moan about seeing other people's struggles on here trumps their right to get support on here.

RaisinsAndApple · 26/02/2017 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovingyalots · 26/02/2017 22:12

Just to mention, I name changed for another thread, and forgot to go back to Flowers.

Just in case anyone thinks I am being bad or evasive. I'm honest here!

Back to Flowers for tomorrow. Night all.

Offred · 26/02/2017 22:13

But anyway, there have been a number of these exact threads posted by MRAs and they usually get deleted... because they are goady...

Offred · 26/02/2017 22:15

Some suggestions - try AIBU or ask MN why they bother having a relationships board in site stuff...

Keep your 'discussions' away from vulnerable people.

Love2all2017 · 26/02/2017 22:16

Rebel Rogue -yes exactly! I read the threads and none of them match my position exactly. Therefore I doubt myself! Think I'll start my own thread actually just to make sure that if I go through with this, I'm not making a huge mistake or haven't left any stone unturned. Turns out flowers that your thread has been very useful after all! 😆

RubbishMantra · 26/02/2017 22:18

"Opposing the Mumsnet collective view is something frightens them maybe."

No. I think what you're doing is attempting to frighten people from posting who are in their own horrible situations for them. People that don't know what is abusive, because they've been beaten down physically or emotionally. I wish it had been simple enough to just leave, but if you'd bothered to read previous posts, it's not.

Abusive relationships are extremely frightening. If you have experience of such a thing, then feel free to share your crap experiences, as myself and others have. Or just wax your hands. Might make you feel better.

Anyway, crack on.

Offred · 26/02/2017 22:20

And to anyone reading this and worried about posting - yes you will probably be told your relationship is abusive. Probably repetitively and often with some urgency. That is because people care for you and don't want to see you suffer. Whilst we are often strident with the LTB on this board most of us do understand that it may take some time, a number of circular threads, a few attempts to leave and a few steps backwards and you walking back into the lion's den more than once before you finally get away - please post and keep posting, most of us know all too intimately where you are, but also where you can be

RebelRogue · 26/02/2017 22:23

Love2all...you should do just that. Good luck,with your thread and your journey

IDontLikeMyUsername · 26/02/2017 22:49

GreyStars · 26/02/2017 22:53

love2all I'm really glad that you have seen this and still have the strength to post, the only reason I have posted on this horrible thread is because I wanted to show support for those who may question posting.

Hopefully the comments from people who have shown empathy, compassion and an intelligent argument as to why places like this are so very important will be read by those who are vulnerable or thinking things feel a bit off.

As for the OP, they have continued to ignore any of the reasons why it is so important, under the guise of "your all so awful and bullying me because I have a different opinion" nobody is bullying the OP from what I can see, they have ignored all posts giving sensible and heartfelt responses and if the biggest insult from the OP is that because I have compassion for those going through a difficult time, and can understand how important having somewhere safe to talk makes me part of a collective, then so be it.

Nothing about why this is important will be taken in by the OP, in order to be able to accept another persons view point you have to be able to actually feel emotion and empathy not just say you do.

lovingyalots · 26/02/2017 22:55

What is MRA?

pseudonymph · 26/02/2017 23:06

Eh? People start their own threads because they want support in real time, they want the energy that comes from people responding to them, they want practical advice tailored directly to their situation, they want the anonymity and the diversity of opinion, and sometimes because they don't even realise they're in an abusive relationship until some way into the thread.

Seems reasonable to me.

glassspider · 26/02/2017 23:49

The reasons for "needing permission" from Mumsnet, as you put it, are pretty complex.
Because you may not be aware you're experiencing abuse, especially if it isn't physical, but you do get to a point where you feel like you're going crazy and need some insight from others to try and make some sense of what's happening to you
Because, even if you do feel you are being abused, you may have heard of Womens Aid but believe they're only there for people being physically attacked and therefore don't consider going to them an option
Because you don't realise you can speak to a solicitor for hal an hour for free ... or even consider your situation appropriate for a consultation because you don't realise you're being abused
Because counselling and seeking solicitors' help costs money ... which many don't have
Because not everyone has real-life support and nobody around to give a 'reality check', maybe due to being isolated
As another poster said, you're faced with many conflicting realities (for various reasons - eg gaslighting, not quite accepting the full horror of the man you thought you knew, not being that man after all) and you need some help in viewing things as they really are
Many different reasons.
And I am not part of a "collective", all posters are individuals with their own valid experiences and opinions, and it is not due to a lack of common sense that people come on here for support.

Glastokitty · 27/02/2017 00:37

You sound like an absolute dick mate. Have some empathy FFS. I've never been in an abusive relationship, but I can see leaving can be very difficult, for all the reasons people have already pointed out. My mum was abused by my dad and it was very hard for her. She didn't have the benefit of Women's Aid, or message boards, but things would have been much easier for her if she had. If people need a bit of support in life its better to give a helping hand rather than kick them when they're down.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread