People who know the truth still have to ask for permission to leave.

[flowersalloverme]

Why is this?

If you have reservations you think it through, give it a bit of time, and then go if it is not working out.

Why do people stress about this?

I do realise that children and debts, mortgages and all the rest of it come in to play, but they will still be there if you stay or leave.

I am pretty new to MN and I haven't been in this particular situation myself but the thing I think is wonderful is the support that MN-ers are willing to give people they don't know.

I can definitely see the use of MN in hand-holding and providing advice and tips and sometimes there are things it is easier to talk about anonymously, with people you don't know.

most of us do understand that it may take some time, a number of circular threads, a few attempts to leave and a few steps backwards and you walking back into the lion's den more than once before you finally get away - please post and keep posting, most of us know all too intimately where you are, but also where you can be

Thank you for this. I've been posting in a very boring fashion, rehashing things...I know I'm boring and had worried about causing frustration, so the responses on this thread have been very welcome and reassuring - thank you.

I think the main reason I stayed is I had no where to go!
?And until my son got a dog no freinds to talk to and tell me what to do and who to go too.
I never wrote about online .
I never thought I was abused till he left after 25 years .

I can't remember where I heard it, but there is a checklist that it is useful to run through before offering unsolicited advice. It's three questions to ask yourself about what you're about to say (or post).

1. Is it true?
2. Is it helpful?
3. Is it kind?

Even if you argue that your post is a "yes" to question one (which I don't think it is, but you clearly do), the answer to questions 2 and 3 is such a resounding NO that it should have been very easy to conclude that you shouldn't post it. I'm not a regular here, so I doubt I qualify as one of the hive mind, if such a thing existed.

Hare -

Keep posting, people might tell you 'you have posted about this before', it might be hard to hear, it might feed into the feelings of insignificance that the abuser you live with has created inside your head but please see it through and keep posting.

I know for me posting here gave me a road map of reference points to help lift me out of the fog. I sometimes re-read my old threads and marvel at the meek, confused person (not me) I was. Seeing it there in my own words keeps me in reality and not in the world the abuser is trying to create.

(I have children with him so I still have to deal with him)

hareinthemoon and anyone else who fears they are boring other posters: bear in mind that nobody is forcing anyone to read your thread. All a reader has to do is see "oh, that's another thread by hare, I'm not following that one" and click away. The internet is a huge web of constantly available information and entertainment. They can go and get their jollies somewhere else, or indeed go and help someone else who they feel needs it more. Anyone who's posting to and about you is doing it because they want to (sadly not always in a positive way, but that's humanity for you - variable).

The converse doesn't always hold true though. If you haven't had much response it may not be because your situation isn't worthy or interesting, it may just be that nobody noticed the thread on a fast-moving day so it dropped off the front page before anyone started really engaging with it. Don't be discouraged. You have as much right as anyone else to ask for support.

Why don't I leave? Because it is a gamble. I might be happier, it might be better for the kids. He will definitely be worse, he will definitely punish me. I WOULD LOSE 50% IF THE TIME I HAVE WITH MY CHILDREN.

I would fight the world to protect those kids, I will handle the mistake I married. I know his games, and how to keep this boat steady. The kids don't.

In my situation it would feel selfish to leave, so I would get away, but I hand over the kids every week to his manipulative behaviour, his ego? And I wouldn't be around to protect them? No to that.

Does that answer your question OP?

Ach I shouldn't have taken the bait, imagine having nothing better to do on a Sunday night than taunt women who are in abusive relationships.

OP, are you alright, Hun?

I believe the reason folks are so offended by your question OP is that it really doesn't have to affect you, you can simply not read those threads, so why bring it up?

It really doesn't matter how often things are repeated if it helps someone, if it makes that person feel relevant.

Sadly I think you have made a lot of people feel rubbish about themselves and this thread runs a risk of someone who is being abused not feeling like they can reach out for support. It should be deleted.

I think some people are over reacting to someone who just had a point to make whether you agree or not.

I didn't like most of it TBH, but could understand some of it.

I have seen much worse. Much worse. No need to delete IMO.