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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Overweight partner...he obviously doesn't care?

297 replies

Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 20:09

My DH is overweight, BMI 30 or more . He knows I want him to lose weight. Occasionally he tries ... Maybe eats less for s couple of days ... Goes to the gym a couple of days. But really no real effort. Excuses sometimes such as stressful work , but usually just says yeah I will but doesn't. He knows how I feel. He could if he wanted but chooses not to. This is the only thing I ask of him. He does work hard (as do I). We have children, he's hands on, but I feel it's such a bad example to set them.
He likes me to make the effort to please him in the way I look (clothes /make up etc) when I make comparisons he says it's easy for me to wear something- much harder to lose weight . I feel so bitter sometimes .

OP posts:

Crumbs1 · 04/01/2017 20:22

I think if I were him, I'd think about leaving you. What an unkind attitude and seriously unhelpful to your relationship. Why can't you love the person he is not the person you want him to be?

cauliflowercheese14 · 04/01/2017 20:25

I would find it impossible to be with someone who was happy to be this overweight. It would be the same as if someone was a heavy drinker or smoker and I'd hate them being a role model for my kids.

Original poster

Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 20:31

Crumbs ... Genuinely don't think I'm unkind.... This is the only thing I ask.... And he does have an expectation on my appearance and so I look a way which he will prefer ... I just think effort should work both ways

OP posts:

MimieD · 04/01/2017 20:31

Can't you do stuff together to help him lose weight? Cook healthy meals together, go to park/beach/woods on the weekends for long walks/cycling/ frisbee to get him moving more. Get a stationary bike and park it in front of telly. I guess if he gained the weight during your relationship (and was not overweight from start) I can understand your bitterness. Do you wear certain clothes/make-up just for him or because it makes you feel good as well? If only for him, I'd stop that.

Original poster

Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 20:39

I make many suggestions for activities - together or happy for him to go out to gym / cycle / anything. He will go for a walk etc if with the kids but anything more is refused. If i push it he refuses as I'm a nag/ trying to make him feel bad. So I don't. I like to nice for myself - somethings are for him. I'm thinking of withdrawing these - but then I'll be as bad as him.

OP posts:

HappyJanuary · 04/01/2017 20:42

There's a thread running on here at the moment where op's dh told her he didn't fancy her because she was overweight, and I think the unanimous replies are that he's a thoughtless bastard and she should consider ltb.

user1471462290 · 04/01/2017 20:42

I would leave you too, I wouldn't want to be with someone like you
You sound horrible

Missanneshirley · 04/01/2017 20:46

I posted about my overweight dh before and got ripped to bits on here I'm afraid op. If I piled on weight i'd expect my dh to be unhappy and concerned for my health. On here it seems you have to allow them to get fat as fuck and not say anything

Sammygold · 04/01/2017 20:48

Some harsh responses here. I would struggle to find my DH attractive if he was that overweight and certainly so, if he was doing nothing about it. We have no control over whether we find someone attractive or not. There's nothing shallow about that.

sonjadog · 04/01/2017 20:50

I think it is fair that you aren´t happy about it and that he knows. But you can´t require him to lose weight. That has to be his decision and the motivation has to come from him. So fair enough that you mention how to feel, but don´t try to force him, because that won´t work.

dementedma · 04/01/2017 20:52

My dh is seriously overweight,gets no exercise,drinks too much beer.
I have given up and am just waiting for the heart attack.

Original poster

Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 20:55

Sadly demented this is my fear - he knows this . His dad died of a HA.. He wasn't that old.

OP posts:

FuckYouDailyFail · 04/01/2017 20:56

When you have a BMI of 30 it isn't that hard to lose weight. But you have to be in the right mindset.

I couldn't be with someone that didn't look after their health and that thought a BMI of 30 wasn't worth addressing!

Original poster

Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 20:56

Missanshirley - did your DH lose weight ?

OP posts:

TheGruffaloMother · 04/01/2017 20:58

I think if my partner's happiness/satisfaction hinged so much on my weight, I'd leave them. It'd do them a favour and myself a far bigger one.

A person needs to want to make the changes themselves, not get shamed into it by their partner.

Original poster

Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 20:59

Fuckyou - yes this is what I think. When he does occasionally Try he can shed pounds quickly ... Then stops . If we didn't have children then I wouldn't stay

OP posts:

Amaried · 04/01/2017 21:01

God I'm not sure.. I definitely think it would affect how much I fancy my Dh if he suddenly became morbidly obese. Clearly that makes me a monster

Sprink · 04/01/2017 21:03

What do you think prohibits him from losing weight? Is it his diet, lack of exercise, too much beer...?

dementedma · 04/01/2017 21:05

Dh's dad died of a HA when he was 54.
Dh is 54 in February. he won't listen to reason so tough. I not spending the rest of my life nagging him or being his carer.

Original poster

Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 21:07

Sprink - everything you've mentioned is the problem. But now I think the biggest problem is he just does not give a shit how I feel. He used to be much fitter . He can do it ( no Health / disability issues ) but doesn't want to . I wouldn't mind if he tried / failed / tried again . I think he knows we have kids - so I'm not going anywhere.

OP posts:

crazydoglady6867 · 04/01/2017 21:07

I am a little overweight and I know my partner would prefer it if I was a more healthy weight, nothing to do with what I look like he just doesn't want me to get ill as I get older. BUT, and it's a big but, the more he mentions it the worse I get, I know what I need to do but it makes me sad if he mentions it and I eat when I am sad. Just a fat persons thoughts, your OH is not an idiot, he knows and will only do something when he is ready and willing, you may be making him worse if you go on about it.

MeetTheMartian · 04/01/2017 21:08

I am overweight in a similar way. I would hate it if DH was on the back of me asking me to loose weight on the ground that 'its the only thing I'm asking'.
Yu have no fucking idea why he is eating like this or how hard he is finding to be 'careful'. Because he IS finding it hard, as otherwise he wouldn't be overweight.

Sorry about the swearing. But being overweight is actually a very complex issue and coaching people to loose weight is much more than just a bit more exercise. It's a complete lifestyle change. As if someone was asking you to suddenly become vegan and enter a monastery.

If you were my partner, I would end up LTB.

fluffandsnuff · 04/01/2017 21:09

Has he always been overweight or did he gain it?

IME it's more complicated than not caring. I really upset DH when I called him out on his weight when DS was born. It didn't help, just made it worse.

DorindaJ · 04/01/2017 21:09

I wonder if those who are of the 'shut up and put up' viewpoint are the ones who have put on lots of weight through the course of the relationship?

It's not shallow, and how come the OPs partner can have expectations regarding her appearance but not her?

OP, I would find myself going off him, slowly but surely. As he is not hearing your concerns and giving them any consideration.

Original poster

Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 21:09

That's very sad demented . It's very hard ...
Crazy if I thought he was down / sad abut is weight I'd feel completely differently. He's not. It doesn't bother him in the slightest

OP posts:

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