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Original poster

Overweight partner...he obviously doesn't care?

297 replies

Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 20:09

My DH is overweight, BMI 30 or more . He knows I want him to lose weight. Occasionally he tries ... Maybe eats less for s couple of days ... Goes to the gym a couple of days. But really no real effort. Excuses sometimes such as stressful work , but usually just says yeah I will but doesn't. He knows how I feel. He could if he wanted but chooses not to. This is the only thing I ask of him. He does work hard (as do I). We have children, he's hands on, but I feel it's such a bad example to set them.
He likes me to make the effort to please him in the way I look (clothes /make up etc) when I make comparisons he says it's easy for me to wear something- much harder to lose weight . I feel so bitter sometimes .

OP posts:
Imi22sleeping · 04/01/2017 22:43

I never said anything to my husband when he was big he is now auffering with an eating disorser after a 10stone weight lose. You are meant to be your husbands biggest fan. Its just fat

Original poster
Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 22:48

I'm meant to be my husbands biggest fan ?!

Surely that should work both ways ?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 04/01/2017 22:49

There are those who see losing weight as an issue of diet and exercise.

Then there are people who see an inability to stick to a healthy enough diet and enough activity despite being obese as less simple and more involved than just that.

So many people can't stabilise their weight because they only look at diet and exercise rather than why they are how they are.

Original poster
Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 22:56

Joysmum if he was unable to lose weight despite altering his diet and doing some exercise I would think there was more to his situation. But he has no interest in doing either despite having the time and finances to do so.

OP posts:
Frankelly66 · 04/01/2017 23:06

OP I totally understand how you feel! And it isn't all to do with looks, I'm attracted to people who are motivated and driven, if my partner put on weight but was still making an effort to eat right and exercise I wouldn't care. Health and fitness is a passion of mine and you need to be with someone with similar interests!

In terms of advice... I know it isn't ideal but can you take over a bit? Cook all the meals for a while, force active things to do... Perhaps once he gets started he will be able to keep going on his own. Or what about join a weight watchers together? Or get a personal trainer for you both? Perhaps some weights he can do at home if uncomfortable in public? I bought me and my guy a gym membership recently, it wasn't a hint or anything, but he goes more than me !

Frankelly66 · 04/01/2017 23:07

And I've told my partner, if I put on weight please tell me!!!!! I'd rather know early on when it can be fixed quickly rather than a stone heavier!

TheFrenchLieutenantsMonkey · 04/01/2017 23:15

The thing is is that you want to change part of him, not his accessories if you like. The things you do are external. Make up, clothes all are extremely easy to change instantly. Losing weight, leaving out the health benefits, is more like him saying to you that you could just make your skin clearer, bottom firmer, teeth whiter. It's something that takes time and a lot more effort than putting on make up for example. If he has lost and put weight on several times it doesn't mean he finds it easy but can't be bothered. I understand that you feel as though his lack of keeping himself your ideal shape is dismissing your feelings, but weight is a complex issue that is not always clear to the person who has the problem so cannot be made clear to anyone else.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/01/2017 23:24

force active things to do

How exactly do you propose forcing a grown adult to be active.

You may not like it but his life, his choice. You can't dictate to him how to live it.

Cricrichan · 04/01/2017 23:33

Keep showing him by example and suggesting things to do but without pressure. Have only healthy food at home and cook food that is filling, tasty and healthy. Do weekends away hillwalking or go to jump Inc etc. See if he'd like to take up Badminton with you or similar.

TokenGinger · 04/01/2017 23:41

FWIW, there's not always an emotional reason for being overweight.

I'm about 1.5 stone overweight. Emotionally, there's nothing wrong with me, nothing underlying, I just really love filthy burgers and peanut butter stack and the opening of a new burger and dessert diner in my hometown this past year has released the inner fat kid in me.

My brother telling me a few weeks ago that I need to cut back on what I'm eating and that I could do with a few extra gym sessions did not offend me. I was just like yeh, you're right, I've gained weight, thank you for the honesty.

So just for those flaming the OP about the emotional aspect of it, it's not always relevant.

Evilrhooo · 04/01/2017 23:47

It's not just about the physical weight or appearance is it? It is really bad for a relationship if one or both dont put a bit of effort in, shows love. And OP is worried about cardiac issues so chill! She's not going to dump him for a spare tyre!

Original poster
Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 23:48

French lieutenant ..., your completly right - most of what I do for him is 'easy' which is why I've felt bad to withdraw this ...
Frank - I would like to take over / do more together but unfortunately we don't have much time as a couple so he really does need to decide himself

For those who say - just leave - it's really not that simple with children and a life together

OP posts:
tobermory29 · 05/01/2017 00:25

I tend to lurk and not post, but this has really angered me! Weight is a very complex issue, it's not about how you would like to be, how your partner thinks you should be, it's more about where you are in your life, your motivation, or lack of it. Noone can inspire you to lose weight, and however much you want to, sometimes you can't even inspire yourself! It's a very personal motivation. I understand the health aspect absolutely, but it's never that black and white! I find myself frustrated with people's definition of love in this day and age. Is your partner a good father, a good husband? If so, hold on to that, regardless of weight! If you have ever been in an abusive relationship you will understand there are much big priorities than weight! He is the same person he always was, maybe your expectations are crushing his self esteem. Love the heart and soul, not the shell, but to balance it, if he is not contributing to you, to the family, then that's another issue that of course, needs addressing!

StiffenedPleat · 05/01/2017 01:05

Just lock him in a cupboard for a few weeks, for his own good. Hmm

HelenaDove · 05/01/2017 01:20

im22sleeping. Ive also lost 10 stone and its left me with a paranoia of weight gain.

I was convinced id put loads of weight on over Christmas but still was able to my fitted size 12 skirt yesterday just the same as before Xmas.

But i have a paranoid fear of gaining weight now. My physical health is a bit better but the mental health is shot to pieces. I was even examining myself in the mirror after my Christmas dinner to see if i could see any weight gain.

JungleInTheRumble · 05/01/2017 02:00

I agree with you OP. It's important to be attracted to your partner and part of that attraction (for me at least) is them taking care of themselves. Yeah normal aging and a bit of middle age spread is to be expected but this sounds like more than that.

TheStoic · 05/01/2017 02:22

So what are you going to do, OP? You can't control what your husband does, only what you do. Obviously his weight is not as important to him as it is to you.

You can talk to/comment on/nag him about his weight until you are blue in the face, but it won't change anything unless he wants to change.

You can either accept it and let go of your resentment, leave, or continue to get angrier and angrier about the situation.

LucyBabs · 05/01/2017 02:31

People saying they are one stone over weight ffs, really not the same thing..

Out2pasture · 05/01/2017 02:50

Am I the only one finding this very shallow? Over time people age, a 60 yr old man or woman is not the same as a 30 yr old....what if your partner doesn't age gracefully? Would you leave someone who doesn't moisturize or colour their hair?
As for weight, there is a huge difference in how some people carry that weight, my 6'2" husband can have a BMI of 30 and still look amazing. Wide shoulders carries and hides the weight easily.
OP sounds like you no longer fancy him regardless of his weight.

Joysmum · 05/01/2017 03:47

Joysmum if he was unable to lose weight despite altering his diet and doing some exercise I would think there was more to his situation. But he has no interest in doing either despite having the time and finances to do so

That's exactly my point. There's no physical reason why the majority of us can't lose weight and sustain with a healthier diet and some exercise.

Question is, why don't we? Why is continuing as we have been more important to us than our health? That's what's not so simple. He should want to be healthy for him but doesn't, why is that?

I should just point out that I have binge eating disorder and my weight fluctuates by 6.5 stone but has become more stable the more I examine the triggers and responses and it's nothing to do with what my partner wants. If he put pressure on me to address the cause, rather than the symptoms, it'd make things far worse. I'm lucky in that my DH understands there's more to it and doesn't see this as a kick in the teeth to him.

Imi22sleeping · 05/01/2017 07:52

Thaya like my husband but he is cryig all yhw time terriblw

Euripidesralph · 05/01/2017 08:11

I think this is a difficult one , ultimately I do truly believe that if you really love him it shouldn't be so cut and dried and you do seem to be very focused on yourself and the fact that he should be doing it to please you which is ultimately a totally ineffective and unhealthy reason for anyone to change themselves

However life is just not that simple ....I piled the weight on having two children in three years but last Feb I did something about it and have lost 6 stone

I am very careful now to take care of myself and honestly it caused issues in my already failing marriage , myou confidence increased and honestly I have really struggled to find my still overweight dh attractive. ...I don't want to be shallow and I didn't say anything but it did affect how I saw him

He also struggled with my change and the increase in confidence not because he was or is an ass but because it changed our dynamic ....whereas before we would sit in and eat it now go out for a run

However I never forget when I was overweight dh never made me feel crap and never placed expectations on me for my appearance he appreciated that I had carried our children and that had an impact

He always told me I was beautiful and was supportive until I was ready to change and even now that we have separated still tells me this

It is difficult because he clearly has expectations on you and it sounds as if both you're perspectives are self involved more focused on the impact or impression the other gives yourself in which case think about leaving

But I guess my point is my marriage failed because it failed nothing to do with weiget it was a symptom. ...ultimately if I was still truly in love with dh then something as vacuous as weight gain or loss would not have split us

If you really are that set on him changing to please you then you do need to think about leaving for him and you because it's patently unhealthy

Thefitfatty · 05/01/2017 08:25

I'd be more concerned that both of you consider the others appearance to be so crucial to the relationship. I wouldn't like my DH telling me to "dress myself up" for him, anymore than he would like me harping at him to lose weight. It seems very shallow.

Bluntness100 · 05/01/2017 08:41

I think the op is getting an unfair hard time here, possibly people referring it to their own situations and if their partners felt that ahout them.

If she doesn't fancy her partner overweight she doesn't fancy him overweight, there is no rule that says you need to fancy your spouse no matter how fat they get and she didn't say she didn't love him. She's not a bad person for not fancying him overweight and wanting him to lose weight for health reasons and set a good example to the kids is also not a negative.

I do agree though, he has to do it for himself.if he has a bmi of thirty plus he is obese and it's not healthy. Other than make healthy choices in the home op I think uou should let him come to his own conclusion on his weight, he's not going to change just because you,want him to and clearly he finds it harder than you're saying, hassling him won't change that.

TokenGinger · 05/01/2017 08:44

People saying they are one stone over weight ffs, really not the same thing..

Who are you to decide what amount of excess weight affects people? Yes, I'm the one who said I'm 1.5 stone overweight. That "overweight" is, if I lost the 1.5 stone, it would take me to the very top of the healthy BMI range. I'm approx 27 right now, so not far off what's being discussed.

In fact, at a BMI of 30 (or just over), the OPs partner is approx only 2-2.5 stone overweight... so not world's apart.

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