Overweight partner...he obviously doesn't care?

[Sarahisthename]

My DH is overweight, BMI 30 or more . He knows I want him to lose weight. Occasionally he tries ... Maybe eats less for s couple of days ... Goes to the gym a couple of days. But really no real effort. Excuses sometimes such as stressful work , but usually just says yeah I will but doesn't. He knows how I feel. He could if he wanted but chooses not to. This is the only thing I ask of him. He does work hard (as do I). We have children, he's hands on, but I feel it's such a bad example to set them.
He likes me to make the effort to please him in the way I look (clothes /make up etc) when I make comparisons he says it's easy for me to wear something- much harder to lose weight . I feel so bitter sometimes .

Thanks for everyone who has taken the time to post - it's good to hear others perspectives even the harsh ones. Lots of interesting views - esp joys mum. This isn't something I can discuss with anyone in RL.
For those that this appearance is all I care about - it's not. This is one aspect of our relationship. If it shallow to be sexually attracted to someone you sleep with - then yes we both are!
For context - To put him at top end of healthy BMI he would need to lose about 5 stone
I cannot leave him. We don't have the money to run two households .
I perhaps think that no longer being in a physical relationship is an option to stem my 'bitterness ' but that will lead to annoyance from him. I know that other people have much worse things to worry about .

I think You're about to leave him based on his weight and you've come here to seek comments to validate your reason!

Why not go running together and watch the fat drop? I really do hope this guy sorts himself out and dumps you!

For those who say - just leave - it's really not that simple with children and a life together

I cannot leave him. We don't have the money to run two households.

This sounds like it's about more than weight gain I'm afraid. If all that's keeping you together are the complications of splitting and practicalities of living separately then there's a far greater problem in play. I'm no therapist but it looks to me like your overall dissatisfaction is being blamed on his waistline. Perhaps that's easier for you to deal with.

User.... Lol! Ive just said I can't leave! Would I go running with - I'm my dreams! He'd never want to! Does he want to dump me ? He can if he wants - I've suggested a million times if he's not happy he can leave. Not in a nasty way - we will be in each other's lives forever as we have kids.

Gruffalos mother - yes.

I'm in a similar position. I guess we got bigger together but I lost the weight 8 years ago and have kept it off since. He's still between 6 & 7 stone overweight.

Part of the reason I lost weight was to be more attractive to him and (tmi) to improve the mechanics of our sex life, iykwim. He lost weight for a previous partner in order to impress her, but he can't be bothered to do it for me, even though he knows that I don't get much out of our sex life as his tummy gets in the way.

I'm also really worried about his health too as his blood pressure and cholesterol are already high and he's been told to adjust his diet but he won't. He snores for England (he stops when he's slimmer) which causes other issues as I'm kept awake and I'm surviving on 3-4 hours sleep per night.

Oops, posted too soon. I've begged him to do something about his snoring and weight, but he won't which makes me feel like he doesn't care enough about me to do something about it. He always has an excuse why he can't do more exercise or diet even though it would help at his work where image is important once you get to a certain level (he's always too stressed, too busy, not enough time, etc).

I really sympathise with you OP. I don't fancy him anymore and although I love him I'm starting to resent him for his lack of motivation and laziness with regards to this weight issue.

ICurpoit - very similar situation. DH Kept himself in good shape for previous partners. I feel resentful that I have to accept that my sex life will be unfulfilling or non existent. I feel too young to give up sex for ever, and I know he would not be happy with this. And I agree with the snoring- it sounds like such a minor thing but when you live with it ....

I understand. My husband is the same.

I don't think you're being harsh asking him to lose weight. It's not just appearance but health and quality of life which will affect both of you. I'm into the 5th new year where my husband has promised to change, it's very difficult.

I don't think there's much you can do to help though. Like a previous poster said, just wait for the heart attack. It's sad but I don't think anything a partner can do or say will help.

It's very difficult.... Being reliant on someone else for a large part of your happiness / fulfilment

Mol- yes this is what I feel re heart attack.... It pisses me off though as if he died at the age his father did from HA our children will still be teenagers ....at least DH was at grown up . Surely you'd want to be there for your kids

People are projecting all over this thread. OP I agree with you and think you're entitled to be unhappy with such a change. My DH is sporty and fit, we live a healthy lifestyle and if he changed that lifestyle and become obese I would definitely find it hard to find him attractive. He's said the same about me. We're not talking a stone here FFS we're talking about putting your entire life at risk by being obese.

I get it I really do. It pisses me off too that he risks our children growing up without a father. But there's nothing I can do. He won't change so I just try and live with it.

I've done the exercising together thing but can't now we have children as we have no childcare, I can not have junk in the house but he chooses what to eat at work, I'll make a healthy tea and he will have a sandwich just before it's ready because he's so hungry he can't wait. Drives me nuts but I've given up advising him now.

The problem is that it doesn't matter what you do or say to him. Until the switch flicks in his head that says "right I'm ready to do this" he won't. If I knew how to make that switch flick, I would be a millionaire, and thin.

Yes- I think deep down I know that he will only do something if he wants to. And so therefore nothing will ever change. He's happy the way he is - it would only be me that would benefit so pointless for him

Some of the replies on here are so harsh. OP you have reasoning behind the wanting him to lose weight. Ignore all the hateful posts, you're attracted to a person physically as well as by their personality. If someone's personality changed (for the worse - bar any mental health issues) but they looked the same would you still love them the same as when you first got together with them? Probably not.

You're entitled to feel the way you feel, I'd see the weight more like something of a Health issue rather than a superficial issue. Despite everything his weight can affect his health later on in life, if you haven't already, (haven't RTFT) you'll probably need to sit him down and have a frank conversation with him about his general health and concern for his wellbeing, put aside your personal feeings about attractiveness or what he's said about you dressing up for him. If he finds losing weight difficult, he can set up small targets such as cutting out certain foods or taking an evening walk once a week and build it up from there. He could just be finding the whole weight loss thing daunting.

I very much doubt he truly is happy how he is though.

I've had a similar experience and it ended in divorce. Like somebody else's husband he lost the weight afterwards. In your shoes I'd stop trying to please him with your appearance, and if you're no longer attracted to him I'd stop having sex with him also.

He knows how I feel. Any conversation I have is at the wrong time - when he's home fro work / in the morning / day off. He's opion is I'm trying to ruin the day if I say something. Or sometimes he will say - ok I'm. Not going to eat anything today then if that's what you want. Obviously that is not what I want. I just want him to eat a normal amount.cur down on drinking a bit, and do some exercise. I do think exercise would improve his mood (moody grumpy stressed often). I don't expect Brad Pitt but I want our kids to know they can have a dad that will run round with them at the park And a husband who cares about his wife's opinion

I have no doubt if we split up he would be down the gym losing weight and making the best of himself to meet someone new.

It's a difficult one Sarah but I am completely with you on this. I would feel exactly the same if my husband was overweight.
As some others have said, it has to come from him, and other than trying to steer him away from the unhealthy food, and encouraging exercise, I don't know what else you can do.
Oh and ignore the nasty 'I think your husband should leave you' comments. They are probably fatties themselves, also in denial!

OMG you could be me! (Same name too ).

My DP has put on 4 stone since we met. His DF died early 50's with a massive heart attack.

I don't understand how he can eat as much as he does! I cook a healthy tea and then he eats bags and bags of crisps, chocolate etc after

He drinks fruity cider nightly (sugar overload)
He smokes
I am awaiting the heart attack, diabetes, stroke that are inevitably in the future.
The snoring is nightly. He is starting to struggle with ED and his shape affects positions and is bloody uncomfortable for me at times! I also hate having to sleep on the edge of the king size bed because he fills most of it!

He asked for running gear in the summer so I bought him some - it's still in carrier bags with the tags on.

He sleeps for hours and hours and is always tired. I feel like I am with a ticking time bomb who doesn't give a crap about his health or being their for his kids when they are older.

It isnt about being shallow and only interested in aesthetics. I'm worried about his health, and I admit I don't find him attractive. At least this has made feel that I'm not alone!! Just absolutely powerless to do anything about it. Any change has to come from him.

Sarah,

This thread had really made me realise how my OH must feel about me,(I am about 2 stone overweight), he no longer says anything to me as I get cross and tell him to keep his fucking nose out of what I eat! but, as I love him dearly and would never want him to feel like you do about your OH I have today began to eat healthier and been to the Gym. I am sorry your husband is not hearing you and I hope he can do something before it is too late. Thank you.xxx

You have different priorities, you can't make him care as much about health as you do

His responses are deflective excuses, I've heard them before. Just a way to shut you down and / or reverse the spotlight on you. Seems like he doesn't want to deal with the issue, I feel for you OP. It's the worse response to get when you're trying to make change for the better. Have your children commented on his weight? Or has anyone else? I've also found some people don't listen to one person but if someone else completely different comments then they take it into consideration.

Again probably, as PP have said, not much you can do if he hasn't got the willpower himself.