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Original poster

Overweight partner...he obviously doesn't care?

297 replies

Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 20:09

My DH is overweight, BMI 30 or more . He knows I want him to lose weight. Occasionally he tries ... Maybe eats less for s couple of days ... Goes to the gym a couple of days. But really no real effort. Excuses sometimes such as stressful work , but usually just says yeah I will but doesn't. He knows how I feel. He could if he wanted but chooses not to. This is the only thing I ask of him. He does work hard (as do I). We have children, he's hands on, but I feel it's such a bad example to set them.
He likes me to make the effort to please him in the way I look (clothes /make up etc) when I make comparisons he says it's easy for me to wear something- much harder to lose weight . I feel so bitter sometimes .

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 07/01/2017 15:39

That "study" was of one man. Done 40+ years ago. And it was not "starvation" as you presented it. That is not a peer reviewed scientific study.

Show me a report in the Lancet or a proper scientific journal that proves that an obese person can live with no food apart from "some vitamin intake" for months and months on end and i will take you seriously.

HelenaDove · 07/01/2017 15:43

enid Two doctors and my surgeon told me that my weight loss the first time was too fast and was the cause of my gallstones.

If you like i can PM you the name of my surgeon so you can offer him the benefit of your experience and advice as you obviously know better than he and his colleaugues do Hmm

HorridHenryrule · 07/01/2017 16:13

My bloke is feminine and male he grew up with sisters. When I went through my weight issues me and my partner done it together he supported me. Seeing as gender is important to you would that make him less of a man for supporting me. I feel sorry for your husband when your agreeing with other posters that you don't find him attractive. If all he wants to do is walk then support that and tell him to cancel the membership. I know someone who lost 3 stone through walking. You both need to work out what food to buy together not just you the woman. I don't think I would be in a relationship if we didn't work together and share everything. You have to be the instigator for now until you both are on the same page and can work together. Me and my partner are our children's role models for what a so called healthy relationship should look like I think. We both clean, cook, pay bills, work and the list goes on. We don't have family around us we had to cut them off so they can't hurt the children with their behaviour. All we have is each other so we have to work together to make it work.

Formerpigwrestler9 · 07/01/2017 16:30

They can't run on empty because they're fat
Im not suggesting months without food but no one needs to eat every few hours and feeling hungry for a while isnt harmful, the only way to shed fat is to eat at a deficit so that stored fuel (ie fat) is used up

so, unless you do run on empty for some of the time you will always be fat

BitOutOfPractice · 07/01/2017 18:00

Former I think we were answering another MNer who was suggesting that obese people can not eat for up to a year and live off their "fat stores".

Fwiw I agree with you. Many people (myself included) have a major aversion to being hungry. There may be many resins for that including those stemming back to childhood. They may be just greedy (like me). But I think you're right that as a society, our tolerance to feeling hungry has reduced

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/01/2017 18:05

I suggest family activities but a walk is the most he'd do.

So why can't you do a family walk then?

Your posts scream of you forcing him to do stuff.

He wants to walk but you want him to do x y or z.

It is coming accross as if as soon as he agrees to do something you change the goalposts.

Original poster
Sarahisthename · 07/01/2017 18:21

Piglet ...we so sometimes walk. He will take kids to the park ... I'm not suggesting he does nothing at all.
Not sure what you consider I 'force ' him to do?
I ask / suggest / encourage / nag. But certainly he's his own person. He can't be forced to do anything
if I could 'force ' him to excercise or eat in moderation then he wouldn't be overweight surely

OP posts:
Formerpigwrestler9 · 07/01/2017 18:25

obese people can not eat for up to a year and live off their "fat stores
I am familiar with that one well known case and it is true that with a large fat store we do have enough stored energy to last a very long time...I presume she mentioned that man as a way of illustrating that point rather than so as to recommend not eating for very long periods.

I think the gut can sort of shut down and not properly recover if it doesnt have the exercise it needs via food/fibre passing through it?

Formerpigwrestler9 · 07/01/2017 18:27

as a society, our tolerance to feeling hungry has reduced
the idea that you should eat every 3 hours to keep blood sugar stable seems quite widespread

Out2pasture · 07/01/2017 18:43

OP your partner has to want to do this but he will need your help as well.
My husband likes the MFP website and uses a Withings watch and scale.
We support one another by talking about calories, daily steps, and generally being positive as we work towards a healthy lifestyle.
Seeing some of these posts shaming bigger people who are probably healthy despite a high bmi is very sad. If weight loss was easy no one would be overweight.

HorridHenryrule · 07/01/2017 18:59

It's about helping him make small changes and being positive.

AccioMerlot · 07/01/2017 19:10

Enid Sprinters are not actually training to build muscle mass so Bolt is a really bad comparison. There are MMA guys at my gym who are overweight by BMI but clearly not carrying fat. Other sports will show similar.

Also, that was very much not a peer-reviewed article you linked to.

mysteriouscurle · 07/01/2017 21:32

I think this is incredibly shallow. I'm 6 stone overweight. My dh loves me as I am and if he ever suggested I wasnt good enough or tried to change me because of my weight the marriage would be over. In fact I suspect many on here would call him controlling if I came on and complained that he wanted me to be thinner. I love food. So fucking what. I'm kind to animals am more likely to help a little old lady struggling with her shopping than mug her and steal her pension. I work full time. I dont abuse alcohol or use drugs and am not a horrible person It pisses me off no end that sometimes I feel as if im public enemy number 1 just because of the number on my bathroom scales. There is a national obsession with being thin. Just relax. You either love him or you dont.

FrankAndBeans · 07/01/2017 21:37

You either love him or you dont.
Love does not equal sexual attraction and a relationship can't survive without that.

Out2pasture · 07/01/2017 21:52

I'm certain there are many many long term relationships where the sexual attraction has morphed into something different.
Older men and women remain in loving kind relationships over decades of bodily changes.
I've yet to hear a 70+ aged couple describe their long term partners as "sexy".

LobsterQuadrille · 07/01/2017 21:59

out2pasture - you're right, but my parents have been married for 65 years and I know that both would have something to say if the other put on or lost a significant amount of weight - or took up smoking, or started to drink excessively, for that matter.

Original poster
Sarahisthename · 07/01/2017 22:08

Out to pasture ... I'm sure your right ... If I was closer to 70 than to 30 this may not be such an issue for me. Also DH still has his sexual needs met by someone who he is attracted to- and has maintained a physical appearance which is of the type he prefers .....it's not the case that we are both aging which one can do nothing to stop.
I think posters that think o need to support and encourage perhaps don't realise I've tried this approach for a long time and now I'm feeling resentful.
I will see if a change in my attitude to sex will have any baring ... Quite frankly I feel DH really and truly has his cake .... And eats it ........

OP posts:
HorridHenryrule · 07/01/2017 22:56

Has your dh been to see the doctor?

As soon as my partner got to his 40's he started seeing the doctor every year. They took his blood checked his blood pressure etc. It might give him a wake up call as long as he's honest. My partner is 53 now and he cant help but notice people dropping around him. A guy he played football with died at 53. George Micheal died at 53. His cousin who is in his 50's has kidney cancer and he only has 10 years to live. The doctor may find something like diabetes. If you are adamant that you've tried everything then tell him to see his doctor.

uhoh2016 · 07/01/2017 23:11

If he doesn't want to diet or lose weight and Is happy the way he is then who are you change him? A bmi of 30 is not morbidly obese.
If he said to you I prefer you with blonde instead of brown hair or short instead of long hair would you be so willing to change if you were happy yourself?
If you no longer feel sexually attracted to him then for his sake then please leave him so he can find someone who finds him personally emotionally attractive than purely on what you see in front of you.

Original poster
Sarahisthename · 08/01/2017 00:25

This thread has been such an eye opener for me. It seems my feelings are mostly shared by other female posters who have overweight partners.... Some posters say they Would not want their partner to become overweight... But the rest are of the opion I should be attracted to him regardless of his size...and I think a notable proportion seem to think I should leave so that HE can meet someone who appreciates him for who he is ...
Very few say they are oveweight and unhappy - most say their partner loves them and is attracted to them for who they are.
Perhaps men are less bothered by physical appearance then the media portray ..

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 08/01/2017 00:51

It depends on the man Sarah. Men arent carbon copies of each other any more than women are.

Out2pasture · 08/01/2017 01:01

I would think it depends on the age and stage of the man's life.
I expect a mature individual to see beyond appearances.

A 20 something fellow might think life is all about the girl hanging off his arm.
A 40 year old fellow might think life is all about a comfortable home, putting his feet up after a long day and a beer.

bumblingbovine49 · 08/01/2017 01:07

I am overweight. I had a few partners like the OP in my life and left them all. When I met DH I told him that I had done this and that I hoped he understood that I would never be able to be with someone who could only find me attractive while I was relatively slim as the chances were I would not be the same size in the future. I was no more than a bit overweight at the time I met DH but my weight had varied so much over the years knew I had almost no realistic chance of staying that size all my life. Lucky for me he didn't care about my size and finds me as sexy now as he did then.
I am not sure this is much help to the OP and maybe being told constantly that he is not good enough as he is may galvanise her DP into action but I doubt it. On the other hand the OP is allowed to find her DH less attractive if he was slim when they met. It is a difficult problem but I honestly think people only lose weight when they are ready to and for many of people being hassled about it makes it less likely they will want to.

2rebecca · 08/01/2017 07:25

I think meeting someone when you are overweight and telling them you have no intention of changing your shape or lifestyle is completely different to meeting someone when slim and active and eating healthily and putting on several stone and starting to bring home loads of junk food.
I think one problem is that his behaviour has slowly escalated and it would have been better tackling it when the junk food started appearing and the weight started to go on rather than several years later.

TheMartiansAreInvadingUs · 08/01/2017 08:48

Are you saying that it was the OP role to keep an eye on her DH food intake? Isn't it a bit like treating him like a child?

Sarah I think you are still missing the point.
Wether you are finding your DP attractive or not, is very much how you are feeling and you probably can't change how you feel about it. Seeing that a majority of the population is now overweight, i think we safely say that a lot of women also have no issue with their partners being overweight. Just as a lot of men have no issue with women being overweight.
But the issue isn't with wether you are attracted to your DP or not.
The issue is how you ar seeing HIM, aka as lazy, because he doesn't do enough effort to loose weight, or rather as much effort as YOU would like him to see doing, enough so that he is loosing enough weight for YOU.
The problem here is two fold.
One is the way you are looking at him, seeing him as lazy, when struggling to loose weight is everything but just being lazy. Learning about the complexity of losing weight and how it is nearly an impossible mission would be a very good start.
Have a look at TED talk on dieting
Second, this is not and never will be something he will do for you. This is something he can only do himself.

Lastly, you are saying you are worried about his health and him dying young (other posters have mentioned that too). The thing is there is much more to health than weight. You can be thin and is still very unhealthy. Smoking, alcohol, not eating enough fruits and vegs, eating too much sugar, all of that has a huge impact on your health too. And you can do all of that and still be thin.