Overweight partner...he obviously doesn't care?

[Sarahisthename]

My DH is overweight, BMI 30 or more . He knows I want him to lose weight. Occasionally he tries ... Maybe eats less for s couple of days ... Goes to the gym a couple of days. But really no real effort. Excuses sometimes such as stressful work , but usually just says yeah I will but doesn't. He knows how I feel. He could if he wanted but chooses not to. This is the only thing I ask of him. He does work hard (as do I). We have children, he's hands on, but I feel it's such a bad example to set them.
He likes me to make the effort to please him in the way I look (clothes /make up etc) when I make comparisons he says it's easy for me to wear something- much harder to lose weight . I feel so bitter sometimes .

OP I completely sympathise and don't think you're being unreasonable to see this as a problem for your relationship.

In addition you're getting such a hard time here! I wonder if it's because overweight is such an emotive issue?

I had a thread not long ago about my partner having lost a tooth in a prominent place, he really can't be bothered to sort it out (has other dental issues too so it's all a big mess) and it really turns me off. I don't want to kiss him a him any more. It's part the tooth, part the attitude. I got so much sympathy and support. Lots of posters said this would be a deal breaker for them etc.

Of course they have Frank. There are an awful lot of people here talking about losing weight in such simplistic terms that I can't say I'm surprised that overweight people (myself included) have tried to make others understand. As an overweight person myself, I would want a partner who felt the way the OP does to leave me. Because I'd expect my relationship to have a bit more depth and empathy...I'd want their response to my weight gain to come from a place of love rather than of sexual attraction. Because a response that amounts to 'I no longer find you sexy because you've gotten fat' is far more likely to make the problem worse, not better.

I do feel that we have been a bit quick to call the OPs partner demanding of her for wanting her to dress nicely - I miss my partner asking this of me, because it always suggested I was attractive. I would take it as a compliment rather than seeing it as a demand deserving a quid pro quo. Of course, each relationship is different, and the OPs partner might be more demanding, but I think others have been quick to put the boot into him.

I have a male friend whose partner is very overweight, to the extent that she is on the verge of diabetes and needs a lot of meds for obesity-related issues. He cooks healthy food for her but the issue is portion control; apparently he now combats this by adding chili powder to leftovers (she hates chili) and eating the leftovers himself across the week. It's an ongoing quiet battle. The saddest thing he's said is that he's more or less resigned to losing the person he loves most in the world to an obesity-related condition at an early age

op I think YANBU to be upset at your husband's condition and frustrated at his apparent lack of wish to improve his health.

Does he have low self esteem? If he has no confidence and feels depressed that might be why he feels he can't do anything about it.
Have you asked him about that?
I understand that you want him to be healthy and attractive but if someone feels bad about themselves it isn't that simple. I think you need to ask him and really listen to the answer.
Reminding someone how unattractive they are to you is counter productive in these circumstances as it just makes them feel worse and it goes on.
Not judging, just wondering if there is more to it than meets the eye.

Would you say that your relationship to each other was based a lot on looks? Not judging you for that. There are many reasons for people to get together and I am sure for many looks is up there on the list. But maybe a relationship which rates looks so highly is destined to be of limited duration - because people´s bodies change over time and the looks they have cannot be maintained. Do you think that your relationship has maybe run its course if you are only staying because you can´t afford to separate?

If so, maybe it is time to acknowledge that and start thinking about how you could separate at some future point?

Completely agree with coffee too.

I struggle with being too active due to chronic pain but I'd try and support him in doing more.

I don't fancy him at all anymore, probably because I hated myself when I was fat, but I haven't told him because I do still love him.

But gruffalo, surely if you love someone you want them to be happy and you want to provide for them and be around for as long as possible. I can see it getting to the point where I end up resenting him more then anything else though because I feel as though he doesn't love me enough to want to get healthy and improve his chances of a longer life.

Also, I want to be desirable to him and I work at it, so I expect him to do the same for me, yet he doesn't. I do believe that sex is an important part of a marriage so you have to be attracted to one another and he knows I don't find extremely overweight men attractive. I can't help that.

I'd want their response to my weight gain to come from a place of love rather than of sexual attraction. Because a response that amounts to 'I no longer find you sexy because you've gotten fat'
I see where you're coming from but people don't get to dictate their own attraction. She's not saying she doesn't love him and she is trying to support him but she's not obligated to find him sexy when he has completely transformed his body, his attitude towards health and his lifestyle. Would you prefer OP closed her eyes and thought of England while they had sex? I think they will split, but I don't think her being piled on being called shallow and horrible is helping anyone. It's an emotive issue but people need to separate their own body image issues and insecurities from the thread.

That's also my fear contessa. He's already starting to suffer due to his weight and I'm worried he'll die.

He doesn't have life insurance so it would leave the children and I in a very difficult position (I'm a sahm) and that frightens me. I would also be heartbroken at losing my best friend and would struggle with the feeling that I wasn't important enough to him for him to change.

At the end of the day that's a big part of the reason why I lost weight. I was worried about dying and leaving my family (the GP had said he wouldn't be surprised if I was dead within a few years). I couldn't do that to them and I know how worried my OH was at the time and I didn't want to cause him more stress so now I feel that he doesn't love us enough to do the same for us.

IcuRpoint - such a similar situation. DH will bring home chocolates sweets wine nightly....it's not a treat . It's standard.

Mrs draper - I doubt it's a self esteem issue. He's very confident- never doubts himself. Always believes he's in the right.

Sonjadog - our relationship isn't based just on looks... I'm really not that shallow and need to be attracted to someone's personality to feel really connected with them- I can see someone who is objectively good looking but if they were a wanker I just couldn't fancy them.... However that said when someone has a massive beer belly I don't find it a turn on. And as others have said its what' it represents as well - lazyness , the snoring, the being too out of breath to run around with the kids. And the fact that my feelings are less important than a massive bag of M&Ms and 3?or 4 glasses of wine

Frank, of course I don't expect the OP to sleep with him with her eyes shut That's the opposite of what I'm saying, as you well know. Nor am I saying she's under some kind of obligation to be sexually attracted to him despite the weight gain. She's not sexually attracted to him anymore but nor does it seem like there's much love there...her reasons for not leaving are purely practical.

People come here for opinions and advice. Those are both likely to be based on people's experiences. Asking people to leave their own experience at the door and not tell the OP if they think she's being shallow is an unreasonable request.

You have no idea if she loves him or not. Even if she loves him more than anything in the world, he's changed his body into something that isn't attractive and without attraction a relationship can't work either way.
I just think a lot of people have jumped on OP for saying the words some posters are afraid of hearing their own partners saying.

Gruffalo- I do actually love him very very much that's why for so long I have tried to make him happy - and will do things to please him..
The weight issue effects physical things for me. Which means either a relationship where I don't have sex, or do but - not for my pleasure. Either way it's s massive part of a relationship. If it was out of his control it's different. But I feel he is making a choice.

The more the OP posts the more it is clear that this is more than just about weight. I think your issues go deeper op. His lack of respect for you, and how you feel about things.

My dh was big when I met him and I am actually attracted to larger men, always have been, so I can't quite relate.

But generally, let's not underestimate that Weight is a tricky issue. A large % of the population is overweight. More people are overweight than underweight. Most people I know are constantly striving to lose a few lbs.

I never really needed to try in my younger years, I just maintained a roughly same weight. In my later years, I consciously tried to lose weight. For the first time. I was really shocked at how bloody hard it was.

It is very emotional. Its complex. It's certainly not easy is it? The diet industry thrives on people failing. Don't forget that.

But re you specifically op, some of the things you have mentioned could be dealt with head on: talking to him about frequently bringing home wine and chocolates. Other issues, I suspect are much more complex.

Well I stand corrected OP. Though I can't help but feel your issues neither start nor end with your husband's weight given that the reasons you've been giving for not leaving him during the course of this thread had nothing to do with love.

FWIW, you don't actually know what's in his control. You're looking at it as though it's as simple as just deciding one day that he's going to eat less and exercise more and he'll get back to a healthy BMI as quickly as is possible. And a select few do manage that. But I assure you, for the majority it's not nearly as easy as just deciding to do it and the weight falling off. If it was, obesity wouldn't be nearly as prevalent.

If you love and respect your partner then you want that relationship to last so you can grow old together. If you love your children you want to live so you see them grow up and be able to be alive for as long as possible.
Having an unhealthy lifestyle will statistically speaking shorten your life.

I mentioned financial reasons for not being able to leave purely because running to households would simply be impossible on our wages.

If I didn't love him I wouldn't care about our sex life. I wouldn't care that he's likely to die too soon, or have health problems.

It's not black and white. Just because this issue pisses me off, it doesn't mean there is no love .

I look at it simply because I know that for no other partner he has been with he has become so overweight . Just me.

This makes me feel he can control it to a degree - obviously harder as you get older.

When I look at it written Down I guess it's very possible (likely) he just doesn't love me enough.

OP what are your ages?

I'm early 30s.... He's older by 12 years

So your partner is mid 40, getting into shape will not be easy.
Have you spoken to a registered dietician regarding your meal planning?
So that the meals you have together are balanced for him? More lean protein I believe is needed.

Never spoken to a dietitian... It's a very good idea although I would doubt he'd be interested- tried to use the change 4 life tips but he didn't want that.

When I suggested higher protein- he says ok I'll just have a plain chicken breast for dinner- which obviously is not sustainable.... But he may be more interested in a professional

He loves his carbs ... Who doesn't. I don't a miracle (well I wouldn't say no!) but just some effort would mean so much to me.

Can you get him to have a health check at the docs or pay for him to see a personal trainer? something to make it a bit easier for him? It is easy to get stuck in a rut especially when you get older...

He really can have more than one chicken breast. Switching from Russet potatoes to Yam (lower glycemic index) more veg beets and broccoli etc. You could discuss fitness watches and web sites, scales that upload data to your iPhone.
Not that you should be doing all the work but it is helpful when the popcorn is measured to only one serving size or peanuts are weighed.

Would he be interested in reading this thread, it was reading this that really affected me and made me think just how my partner must feel about me being overweight, I don't know if he would be interested but I think most of the posts would really touch a nerve for him and show him how you and other partners of people who don't seem bothered about their weight feel.

No no no no

Never let anyone read an MN thread about them!

No good can come of it