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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being used for sex?

140 replies

Lorettalynn · 27/12/2016 07:11

I'm pretty sure I am, would just value some opinions , been seeing guy for six months now,met online, see each other once a week due to work commitments,
Started well, in contact every day by text , good laugh and made me feel great
He says he loves me but I know he's been messaging other women online, says he's lonely and just wants to chat (I know!)
Messages have tailed off, he says he doesn't want to end things but our conversations just seem to be general chat, he sometimes ramps it up a couple of days before we're due to meet and I'm pretty sure it's just to keep me reeled in for a regular shag
He treats me badly after we've had sex, it's like he can't wait to get rid of me and can barely look at me
I'm writing this and know I should end it, I love him, how do I get my self respect back and tell him it's over, I just can't seem to do it

OP posts:

SteppingOnToes · 27/12/2016 07:57

The only two things that work for me are going totally NC and immersing myself in hobbies and general business, or following "The best way to get over one guy is to get under another". You know the relationship isn't right - don't settle for someone who makes you feel less than amazing, you know things only ever get worse, not better... If he's like this in the 'honeymoon period', what would he be like further down the line? You deserve better

Original poster

Lorettalynn · 27/12/2016 08:01

Thank you, I know you're right, when you say no contact do you mean just that, or should I explain to him first, then no contact, I don't know if I'm strong enough to go no contact

OP posts:

AnxietySertraline · 27/12/2016 08:22

NC without telling him why.

AnxietySertraline · 27/12/2016 08:23

You are strong and need to stop being used

madmother1 · 27/12/2016 08:27

Please stop seeing him. You are worth so much more. Go no contact as he'll just reel you in again when he wants you.

lovelearning · 27/12/2016 08:29

how do I get my self respect back

OP: This man is using you against your will. Rid him from your life. This will be the first step to getting your self respect back.

Send him this message:

I trust you are well, and that you enjoyed Christmas. Leading up to the New Year, I have decided to make some changes in my life. I don't want to see or speak to you again. I wish you all the best for the future.

I don't know if I'm strong enough to go no contact

OP, do you have real-life support - friends, family?

Original poster

Lorettalynn · 27/12/2016 08:34

Yes I do have support, I'm fairly sure he's found someone all shiny and new online hence the diminished contact and last of lack of meaningfully content
Friend thinks I'm mad if I belive he's not got other women on the go, I'm inclined to believe her but get myself into a state of denial as I like the chat/texts

OP posts:

FriendofBill · 27/12/2016 08:58

Send the text love learning suggests.

Go to www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

Get an sti test.

Stop agonising over it.
It's not working for you, end it.
Or, keep agonising and keep feeling bad.
The choice is yours.

MouseLove · 27/12/2016 09:55

I'd like to say that you are not in love with him. I truly believe that to be completely in love with someone you need them to be completely in love with you. I don't think he likes you much. And he's not treating you like the amazing woman you need to be adored as. Dump his ass and stride off into the sunset with a wiggle in your step. 2017 is all about you!!

Original poster

Lorettalynn · 27/12/2016 10:18

Thank you mouse, that's just how I feel, like he doesn't even like me much never mind love me , my self esteem is so low at the moment that for whatever reason I've been prepared to accept it

OP posts:

mummyplus7 · 27/12/2016 10:21

Don't sleep with someone who doesn't respect you.
He's keeping you dangling while he waits for something better to turn up, and when it does he will drop you like hotcakes.
Sex isn't worth the blow to you self esteem - buy some nice new toys instead.

roodie · 27/12/2016 10:23

I agree with lovelearning.

It is a take-control text. It shows you're no fool, ie, you know full well he's not serious about you, and also thst you believe you deserve and can find more

roodie · 27/12/2016 10:26

Ps i went nc on a man who was lovely to me on a day to day basis but made it clear he would never commit. It was so hard for 2 weeks. Not texting him 20 times a day. Missing his communication. But i felt clearer in my head immediately. Lighter. More in control. I liked myself more instantly.

Heirhelp · 27/12/2016 10:29

Continuing your relationship with him will lower your self esteem. End the relationship with him and then take a break from dating. Try a new hobby, secret cake club, join a gym, a book club or whatever else interests you. You need to spend some time doing things for you.

Original poster

Lorettalynn · 27/12/2016 10:37

Can anyone help with wording a message please

OP posts:

Original poster

Lorettalynn · 27/12/2016 10:38

I've already had the "good morning gorgeous" message 😕

OP posts:

dollyollymolly · 27/12/2016 10:39

Let him go and create space for something better.

He doesn't treat you very well so I wouldn't worry too much about explaining yourself. Plenty of nice men out there. He isn't one of them!

flumpybear · 27/12/2016 10:46

Ignore the good morning gorgeous shit!!

Original poster

Lorettalynn · 27/12/2016 10:58

I'm trying to, it's so hard! I know I'm being suckered in

OP posts:

yellowpostitnote · 27/12/2016 11:00

"I trust you are well, and that you enjoyed Christmas. Leading up to the New Year, I have decided to make some changes in my life. I don't feel this relationship is what I want or need at the moment. I would like to make a clean break and I wish you all the best for the future."

How does that sound?

yellowpostitnote · 27/12/2016 11:03

And then with any reply texts just repeat the last sentence or two like a stuck record. Then no replies.

Heirhelp · 27/12/2016 11:05

I would change the above message to 'This relationship is not what I want so I am making a clean break.' More assertive.

Heirhelp · 27/12/2016 11:06

Delete his number and then delete any subsequent message without replying.

yellowpostitnote · 27/12/2016 11:06

Yep. Assertive is self respect.

yellowpostitnote · 27/12/2016 11:09

I think sending an assertive text helps you op as well rather than just ignoring and feeling guilty for not saying anything, incase you bump into him, but also to tell yourself that this is what you are doing. Tell yourself this. Take control and busy your self in a new hobby, gym, class etc.

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