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Original poster

Being used for sex?

140 replies

Lorettalynn · 27/12/2016 07:11

I'm pretty sure I am, would just value some opinions , been seeing guy for six months now,met online, see each other once a week due to work commitments,
Started well, in contact every day by text , good laugh and made me feel great
He says he loves me but I know he's been messaging other women online, says he's lonely and just wants to chat (I know!)
Messages have tailed off, he says he doesn't want to end things but our conversations just seem to be general chat, he sometimes ramps it up a couple of days before we're due to meet and I'm pretty sure it's just to keep me reeled in for a regular shag
He treats me badly after we've had sex, it's like he can't wait to get rid of me and can barely look at me
I'm writing this and know I should end it, I love him, how do I get my self respect back and tell him it's over, I just can't seem to do it

OP posts:
yellowpostitnote · 27/12/2016 11:11

(Ref lovelearnings suggestion!)

FortyFacedFuckers · 27/12/2016 11:18

Send the message above, block him & delete his number op. You will feel better for it.

MouseLove · 27/12/2016 11:18

Hi X, I think we need to take a permanent break, I'm not feeling like this is working for me and I'd not like this to continue any further. Good luck for the future ASSHOLE.

Sorry, haha. Couldn't resist the last word. Just go for it!!! YOU ARE AWESOME. Please remember that.

roodie · 27/12/2016 11:40

I really regret giving my non-committer so much explanation. We were so close at the time though. But instead of telling him why I could no longer go on and why it was no longer satisfying, I should have sent a breezy text saying ''listen, this has filled a gap for a while but as I said 6 months ago I'm looking for something more meaningful and permanent. Take care, bye."

Instead I poured out my heart. And all I got back was justifications. ie, ''have I ever not responded to you? have I ever been unsupportive?''. But those justifications weren't the point and he knew it.

Breezy text ''good luck and good bye''. That's what I wish I'd done. But oh well Hmm

roodie · 27/12/2016 11:41

Heirhelp that is the text I wish I'd sent. With a breezy bye good luck and take care pinned on perhaps. Just to be magnanimous.

BusterGonad · 27/12/2016 11:42

You can do it OP, it is far better to have self respect and love yourself than it is to have a guy treat you like shit and grind you down on a daily basis. You will never like yourself as long as you do this to yourself. He will never make you feel good. Good luck OP we all know you can do it!

Original poster
Lorettalynn · 27/12/2016 11:47

I'm liking roodies breezy one!

OP posts:
roodie · 27/12/2016 11:48

ps, sorry to go on here OP but like heirhelp says, I had begun to ask myself, why not me? what's wrong with me? Nothing obviously just something that was present in me that he didn't want or something absent in me that he valued. But there was nothing at all wrong with me and yet I'd begun to hear that question doing laps in my head. I went nc when I realised that.

It is hard though. One of the things I admired about that guy was that he would go anywhere and do anything on his own. So after I went nc with him I ''dated'' myself :- p by going to some interesting lectures that I wanted to go to, on my own, bit scary setting off but actually fine when I got there. Then I went to see a film on my own. Then I joined a yoga class (sadly now discontinued but it helped at the time).

it worked, that stuff. It was temporary, as you have to carry on looking after yourself! But at the time it really served its purpose and within three weeks I no longer felt the urge to text him. I had a job interview about three weeks later and it felt weird that he did not know that, but after that, (I didn't get the job and i couldn't hear him reassure me over that either) then I felt over it.

Do go NC. You will begin to feel stronger immediately evenn if you miss him.

Google self-efficacy and how central it is to self-esteem. Taking control is so important if you want to pour petrol in your self-esteem tank. I'm mixing up all the self esteem gurus here.

Heirhelp · 27/12/2016 11:48

Ultimately it does not matter what you send just as long as it is ended and you don't contact him again.

Heirhelp · 27/12/2016 11:49

Roodie I live the idea of dating yourself. I am married but I feel I have lost myself of sense as I have a young baby. I am going to start booking in dates for myself.

roodie · 27/12/2016 11:52

ps2

I've learnt so much from the experience as well. If a man said to me now "we have emotional intimacy and it'd be great if we could have physical intimacy too, but not in the context of a relationship, obviously'' i'd laugh in his face. I can't believe that I even felt enough to feel conflicted over that crappy throw her a bone bullshit. That was just over a year ago now.

It changed me. For the better. We clicked on one level, but he wasn't for me, and if I hear that crap again I'll run faster and further.

roodie · 27/12/2016 11:54

heirhelp you should! I should as well.

I've hidden my profile on line now and I need to tap back in to myself and what I want to do and what I want to see.
It makes you feel more in charge of something bigger than what filling to put in your sandwich :-p

I am going to take my own advice!

TheGiantSausage · 27/12/2016 12:04

I think that you're only sending a message though so that he'll fight for you, in which case he either...
A) won't and you'll feel shit.
B) will because he doesn't want to lose his easy shag and you'll see it as him actually wanting you and you'll continue this.

I'd just leave it altogether. It isn't worth it. And if you don't send a text, you don't have to sit around staring at your phone waiting for a reply. You take control.

Good luck Op, there's so much better out there for you.

roodie · 27/12/2016 12:31

I disagree. I felt proud of being the one to call time. Also i want 'my' man to know that i hadnt met somebody. He often checked on that. 'So been on any good dates?'.

he thought thought that the threat was another man who would offer more.

I was glad i made it clear that that wasnt what happened. Turned outmy bar got raised. Glad he understood that.

I never thought he would change his nind btw.

yellowpostitnote · 27/12/2016 12:34

Yes I think it adds to the closure for yourself as well as feeling in control.

Technically I think it's the decent and fair thing to do know matter how much of a knoblet he is. Exudes respect for him and you.

It's getting the wording right!

The best finisher would be respectful, assertive, breezy, confident, exude personal positivity for the future and slightly deflate him.

roodie · 27/12/2016 13:07

Yes! I agree, wording is crucial. It can't sound pissed. I've moved on but, respectfully.

The thing with doing nothing is it is too similar to the dynamic of the overall relationship. ie, passively waiting. So not sending a text is just passive and maybe he never sends another text and so then he never knows that actually you did have a line in the sand and you did raise your bar and you did call time.

If you just never send another text it gets lost iin the general woman-waits for man to contact her- passivity and doesn't send a message. He might even remember it wrong. He might even remember it as he stopped texting her.

YorkiesGlasses · 27/12/2016 13:40

What do you love about him? How do you manage to work up any affection for a human being who deliberately seeks you out for sex, and then acts like he is disgusted afterwards? That example you gave shows that he has serious issues with women and sexuality. Give yourself a late Christmas present and cut him off!

WynterBlossom · 27/12/2016 13:55

Roodie, could you personally give me 1:1 counselling sessions??

You are what I need in my miserable suicidal life!!

BaDumShh · 27/12/2016 14:04

I read/heard someone say a few years back that the way a man treats you after sex says everything about how he feels about you.

Men are very much ruled by their sex drives, and the only time that they are 100% ruled by their feelings and nothing else is after ejaculation, when their sex drive is completely depleted. Therefore, if a man is loving towards you after sex, then you know he genuinely has emotional and loving feelings towards you.

If, however, he is dismissive and rude after sex, you know his feelings are 100% ruled by sex only and once that is depleted then you know there is no emotional attachment on his side.

I found this advice extremely helpful and useful when I was dating. It helped me weed out the ones who were simply sex motivated. And when I met someone who still loved being with me and around me post-jizzing, I knew he was a keeper. We're still together nearly 3 years later!

I think you know the answer to your question. This man is not worthy of your time and does not care for you. You deserve better.

BoxingHelena · 27/12/2016 14:17

what BadumShh says
and totally agree with TheGiantSausage too
I would just ignore/ghost
If he keeps texting - very possibly - and start asking whats wrong, will just say (if you cannot help it) It's is not much fun anymore. I ve moved on

end of

ThisIsTheRightTime · 27/12/2016 14:23

Yes, yes, yes! I agree with BadumShh. That was, instinctively, one of the most obvious signs about my current man that his no strings attached theory was rubbish; every single time after sex he would be so loving and gentle with me. It was a wonderful surprise for me.

BubblingUp · 27/12/2016 14:26

If you do text something like, "this isn't working for me, have a great life, bye" you have to delete and block so you never get the response (if any). Some men feel challenged and will lay it on thick to win you back not because they want you, but because they like a challenge.

GlobalTechIndustries · 27/12/2016 14:29

Its certainly a tricky, although it does seem odd that once business has been concluded he does not want you.

sugarlost · 27/12/2016 14:46

Hello Lore,
He does not deserve you and you know he is seeing other women..another poster commented about your self esteem...please delete him and offer no explanation...he doesn't deserve it and nor would it affect him by the sound of his behaviour...narcissist.com. Even if he wants a fuck buddy he should show you some respect. Agree with the other posters in keeping yourself busy with hobbies etc. Find someone else who will make you feel special and who is honest with you...a new year is approaching...don't let him be a part of yours!

Original poster
Lorettalynn · 27/12/2016 15:08

The giant sausage your post , much as I hate to admit it was probably right, I haven't messaged him yet, I can't bring myself to 😩 I know he's using me , but I want him so badly I'm behaving like I lunatic

OP posts:
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