Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being used for sex?

140 replies

Lorettalynn · 27/12/2016 07:11

I'm pretty sure I am, would just value some opinions , been seeing guy for six months now,met online, see each other once a week due to work commitments,
Started well, in contact every day by text , good laugh and made me feel great
He says he loves me but I know he's been messaging other women online, says he's lonely and just wants to chat (I know!)
Messages have tailed off, he says he doesn't want to end things but our conversations just seem to be general chat, he sometimes ramps it up a couple of days before we're due to meet and I'm pretty sure it's just to keep me reeled in for a regular shag
He treats me badly after we've had sex, it's like he can't wait to get rid of me and can barely look at me
I'm writing this and know I should end it, I love him, how do I get my self respect back and tell him it's over, I just can't seem to do it

OP posts:
lovelearning · 27/12/2016 15:22

''listen, this has filled a gap for a while but as I said 6 months ago I'm looking for something more meaningful and permanent. Take care, bye."

roodie, oracle.

OP: Send the text.

Delete.

Next.

herwegoagain123 · 27/12/2016 16:48

Yes you are behaving like a lunatic. Do you really want to be a woman who has become grateful for crumbs? You are now so grateful for the gorgeous text you are putty in his hands. Are you really that needy? Remember how he treats you after he has got what he wants. Tell him to piss off.
He's probably seeing other woman as well. Its just not worth it.
If he wanted to be with you he wouldn't dare treat you like this. He has no respect and yes you are being used.

Heirhelp · 27/12/2016 20:52

OP Imagine what you want your life to be like in 2017? Full of happiness, satisfaction and confidence? Continuing to be this man's fuck buddy will not give you that.

Original poster
Lorettalynn · 15/01/2017 13:33

I need further help please, I didn't take the advice and have carried on seeing him, I am currently on day three of nc after a particulary horrible text from him saying he wasn't answerable to me and he'll contact who he likes, I didn't respond and it has now been three days
I've been reading baggage reclaim which is helping but in all honesty I just want him to text me, I can feel myself slipping and am fighting the urge to text him first
Please help me find the strength not to do it 😢

OP posts:
BumDNC · 15/01/2017 14:11

He literally sounds grim.
He only has you hooked because you are putting all your value and self worth onto him. You need to remove it (deleting and blockingg immediately) and I can honestly promise you the panic and empty scariness is nowhere near as bad as he makes you feel now. it cannot be worse than you feel right now

It is only fear that is holding you back. Nothing you do or say or change will ever make someone a nicer person. You can't will someone to respect and love you. And if you don't like yourself much I think you need a big step back from dating to find out who you are and remember all the good parts of you.

If you don't block and rid yourself of him now, you will feel like this until you do. Nothing will change

Original poster
Lorettalynn · 15/01/2017 14:15

That's exactly how I feel, panic and scared but I know it's the right thing to do , I'm desperately trying to stop myself texting him but it's so hard, it's been three days, when does it get better

OP posts:
BumDNC · 15/01/2017 14:17

It isn't as bad as you imagine. Being free of him will very very quickly feel like a virus you picked up that drove you crazy for a few months and suddenly you recover. He's causing the toxic feelings so you need to get rid to feel even remotely normal again

BumDNC · 15/01/2017 14:19

You have to block and delete e Rey trace of him entirely. Absolutely nothing left. No secret number for when you are having a bad day.
Then make plans with your friends and family, go out and do something you enjoy or put on a funny film and think about all the things yiu want to achieve this year. Ask people to help take your mind off things. Every day you wake up you will feel a little better once you take the control back

Original poster
Lorettalynn · 15/01/2017 14:23

I do have a busy life so that won't be a problem, it's just hurts so much just now, I just want him back and to love me but I know that's not going to happen, I wish I could just flick a switch in my head and be over him

OP posts:
Papercaper · 15/01/2017 14:25

Hi Loretta, I had a slightly similar situation recently with someone who wasn't treating me well. I had strong feelings for him and even though I knew it wasn't right I let things carry on for a while and when I eventually managed to end it, after a few false starts, I have to admit it knocked me for six for a while.

That was in November though and I can honestly say I feel so much better now. The less you backtrack (online stalking, texting/calling, sleeping together or what have you), the faster you'll heal.

You want to text him to get a 'hit' of the sporadic attention he's been feeding you, to feel better in the short term. It's like a drug, studies have shown the effect on the brain of these unhealthy relationship patterns are the same as a drug addiction. So I would say in the short term it will be hard unfortunately but you just need to stay really clear in your own mind why you are doing this. He is a dick, no question, and that's not going to change.

Don't let 2017 be defined by him, or your self-worth be defined by him wanting you. Start building a positive future now by staying completely no contact and trust that you will feel so much better for it. You just have to get through a bit of a crappy time for a little while but you can do that.

Find things that make you feel better, whether it's watching an old favourite programme, going for a walk, seeing a good friend, talking about it. Maybe even think about getting counselling. Just look after yourself really well and that will help you recover. Flowers

BumDNC · 15/01/2017 14:27

You can't flip the switch till you erase him from your life

Papercaper · 15/01/2017 14:31

You could also have some good books about relationships. I found Why Men Love Bitches quite an empowering, upbeat read that really helped me feel better. I'm sure there are loads of others too, but that one is good if you tend to be 'nice' and put up with too much crap, and may help you in the future as well as now.

Papercaper · 15/01/2017 14:31

Have a look at, that should say.

Original poster
Lorettalynn · 15/01/2017 14:44

Thank you Paper I've read that book, baggage reclaim has also helped but I just feel so down today at the though of never seeing him again, it's is like getting a hit of attention, we did get on well and I loved all the texts and attention

OP posts:
Papercaper · 15/01/2017 14:57

It is hard initially. I felt really down for a while and then somehow...I was just over it. You will get to that point. It's a relief when you realise you're out the other side. I wish we could fast forward through these things! Yes baggage reclaim is great, I've spent quite a while reading through that. The MN relationship boards too.

Papercaper · 15/01/2017 15:01

Anything you can do to distract yourself helps a lot though. I know it sounds simplistic but it's true. Maybe a trip to the cinema? Go for a swim? Anything that feels like positive action rather than just sitting with your feelings, not that there's anything wrong with them but sometimes just putting it to one side for a while can make you feel lighter and get a different perspective.

Lovemusic33 · 15/01/2017 15:04

If I was you I would simply send a text saying ' look, this really isn't working, can we call it a day?' Then don't reply to anything he sends back, take control because at the moment he has control ( he gets sex when he wants it, on his terms ). Walk away with your head held high, you don't need this kind of person in your life.

Lovemusic33 · 15/01/2017 15:04

And block him so your not tempted to reply to his texts.

Deadsouls · 15/01/2017 15:09

At the moment you're floundering because you're letting him call all the shots, giving him the power and going against your gut instinct.
You also know you're not happy in this relationship.
He says he loves you but he doesn't really, as he wouldn't treat you in the way you describe and you wouldn't feel disrespected. He probably says that because he thinks it's what you want to hear. You're also putting up with it.
Really what are you getting out of this? Is he so extra especially amazing? I suspect not.

You need to take back some authority and power in this situation and make a decision. He's probably quite happy to carry on with these arrangements for as long as you'll let him, and you're showing that you're willing to put up with it.

Stop betraying yourself and cut him off. You don't need him at all. I second others who have said send him a text. The examples stated are good. He may or may not try to talk you round which is a whole other danger. You lived without his bloke before and you can do it now.

Go NC that's the best way. Seriously he sounds like a loser.

Thinkingofausername1 · 15/01/2017 15:13

Can you block him? You are being used and you can do so much better.

Deadsouls · 15/01/2017 15:15

Okay cross-posted. Delete his number from your phone. Block him, block whatsapp, block social media.
It's feels almost impossible but you're on day 3 of NC. You can make it through today, and then tomorrow without messaging him.

Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he's affecting you. It'd give him a right ego boost and play right into his hands.

You say you just want him to love you. You can't control that and to be honest, he probably has never loved you in the first place.

The only exception if it'll help is to send a final text. But that means final. As in send, and block him.

Final as in, 'I've been thinking and this isn't working for me anymore. I don't want to see you again, I think it best that we don't remain in contact. Take care (or some other salutation)'

InfoFreako · 15/01/2017 15:26

It sounds like the only thing in common in this relationship is you both have no respect for you.

As hard as it is, you need to stop all contact with this man. Also need to keep yourself busy to take your mind off him. It will get easier each day.

Good luck!

Cheers.

Hidingtonothing · 15/01/2017 15:29

This might not work for everyone but I would focus on the shitty stuff he's done and said, maybe even write a list so you have it in black and white, and use anger to combat the urge to contact him. I find when I'm angry sheer bloody-mindedness won't let me give in if I think it will give the other person the upper hand. Maybe getting angry about the injustice of the way he's treating you would work better than just willpower to stop you caving in and texting him?

Sounds corny but stick some 'girl power' tunes on (Surviver by Destiny's Child, Caught Out There by Kelis, that sort of stuff) and work yourself up into a state of righteous indignation about the way he's treating you rather than letting yourself feel weak and impotent over him. You can't control his behaviour but you can control your response to it and taking the power back will feel a damn sight better than the inevitable self loathing that will follow if you give in and text him.

Original poster
Lorettalynn · 15/01/2017 15:38

Yes the bloody mindedness is keeping me going, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of a text , he sent the last one and I didn't respond and I'd like to keep it that way, he would expect me to respond and be all sorry and trying to get things back on track so I feel I've got the upper hand by just ignoring

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 15/01/2017 16:10

That's it, focus on keeping that upper hand, it feels a whole lot better than the alternative. Self respect is the biggest gift you can give yourself, it feels good and raises your defences against arseholes who are only after someone they can use and abuse.

I had none for years and managed to attract a series of complete bastards who only served to compound my view of myself. And then one day I snapped, got rid of the latest arsewipe and spent a few months on my own finding out what made me happy instead of trying to please other people and then I met my DH.

Think I scared him a bit at first because I didn't take any shit and was really upfront about what I expected out of a relationship but at the same time he liked the fact that I knew what I wanted and wasn't prepared to settle for less. We've been together 15 years now and I can honestly say it's the most mutually respectful relationship I've ever had.

Swipe left for the next trending thread