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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband just told me he cheated

146 replies

RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 02:18

Wtf, I can't type details. I'm too shocked. I'm angry I'm going to scream so yes it'll be a drip feed until I can fully function.

What the hell do I do now? The mortgage is only in his name. I'm fucked.

I was one of those MNetters who claimed, 100% my husband wouldn't cheat, and he has. I'm devastated. I can't do this.

OP posts:
Nodney · 09/12/2016 02:25

Oh no Ravioli that's awful for you. I'm so sorry. I'm not a legal expert but if you're married then all assets are split aren't they, no matter whose name they're in?

Graphista · 09/12/2016 02:27

Cuppa sweet tea and breathe!

You WILL get through this whatever you ultimately decide.

Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 02:30

I have no idea nodney. Short story is, there's been incidents before, chaturbate, photos of women on his phone etc I've let them go but never forgotten about them. Tonight my friend came over and said did dh tell you about our funny messages on Saturday, he'd sent her a snapchat by mistake with a flirty message in it and then tried to cover his back and say it was to a customer, a Snapchat tutorial, I was on my works Christmas night out. He never ever goes on snapchat according to him.

Anyway I confronted him tonight and asked for his snapchat password, he wouldn't give it to me and said he couldn't remember it as he hasn't been on in months and months., I get in anyway and there's a string of messages off this lass who works for his company but is based in Leeds. He was there last week, while DD was in hospital on a work thing, they ended up kissing and groping each other and he's been secretly messaging her ever since on his phone whenever I'm not around.

Yes, just a kiss- some people could move past it. I maybe could have too, but he's been messaging her for days and days afterwards so obviously gives no fucks at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 02:33

It sounds so stupid and teenagery.

He also told me he doesn't think he can form attachments with people but he loves me so much Hmm I'm not sad yet, I feel so stupid though. Completely stupid

OP posts:
lepetitchoufleur · 09/12/2016 02:44

You're not stupid! He is. His actions are in no way your responsibility.

KindraLamb · 09/12/2016 02:46

I think, most men do it. But if the cheating continues after you have talked to him about it then that's something else. Respect and trust is very important in a relationship. Without it, there's no reason to save it. It should be a commitment between two people.

Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 02:46

I just don't know what to do. I feel lost.

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Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 02:47

This is what I've said to him kindra, we could have gone to marriage counselling nor whatever if he felt he needed an escape from me or I was doing something wrong. He claims he'll 'try' not to do anything again. I can't live with that. I'm not putting myself through any more of his shit.

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RonaldMcDonald · 09/12/2016 02:55

Thinking is that affairs in marriages are just symptoms of something that has gone wrong.
I tried for ages in Relate listening to that.
My husband chronically loved the chase. He lied relentlessly when faced with it. Was contrite. Repeat.
Eventually I couldn't handle it nor the suggestion that it was my fault too. I hauled ass ...eventually.
He is a great father. I love him for that. He is simply a fool around women.

I feel for you OP

PenguinsandPebbles · 09/12/2016 02:57

You don't have to make any decisions right now

Just rant about it, let it all out and by the time you wake up in the morning lots of people who have been through this will give you advise on how to get through it.

He doesn't make any decisions for you, you are not at fault - he broke your marriage vows not you.

If you divorce the house, as it is in his name is a marital asset. Just make sure if you have a joint account you have money in a personal account just in case he decides to be an even bigger

Trying isn't good enough IMO

Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:00

I honestly feel dead inside. My mental health is pretty fucking crappy anyway but adding this into the mix and I'm not sure I'll cope. He was literally everything to me. Absolutely everything. It's not even the kiss. It's the string of fucking messages all week. Why the fuck did he do it knowing full well I was up here with DD in hospital, other DD sleeping out anywhere that had space for her because he was down there at a fucking awards thing and getting his cock felt.

I'm angry, I'm devastated. I wish it wasn't real.

Even the kiss and the messages, I can't ever trust him again after him saying he struggles to get attached to people.

He's fallen asleep too, I'm so happy he's as distraught as me Hmm god I could fucking punch him I'm not going to, I'm attempting to find the moral high ground

OP posts:
Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:01

House is his, we have separate money. I've just bought him a car!!! Two fucking days ago!!! To get to his new job! Obviously all the details for it are in his name too so that's fucking his aswell.

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Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:02

Oh, he put his insurance and everything on my credit card too so I could pay it off as he pays all the bills with his wage (we aren't big earners and that made sense to us as I've not long been back at proper work so we're used to going without my wage)

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Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:05

Shall we tell people? How do I tell the kids?

This is the last thing I wanted

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AcrossthePond55 · 09/12/2016 03:06

Go silent. Say nothing more. Refuse to discuss this with him, all he'll do is try to justify himself and/or confuse you. You need time to think things through on your own without him putting pressure on you.

See a solicitor. Seeing one doesn't mean you have to divorce. It just means that you are informing yourself of your legal position in order to determine what options you have.

If you don't have a good knowledge of family finances and assets, now is the time to find all that out, quietly.

Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:06

Should he move out for a few days?

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Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:07

Across, I know everything he has. 100% he's gone silent on me. I want to know why. I can't believe he's led me on after admitting he can't form attachments with people and he thought I could fix him. My family absolutely adore him. This is going to be horrendous

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PenguinsandPebbles · 09/12/2016 03:11

I'm really sorry your going through Flowers

I'd be tempted to put his hand in cold water so he pisses himself but might backfire and you need to keep the moral high ground.

If I was you I would go to see a solicitor in the morning, you don't have act on it! But you will then know your legal position, in case he starts using the house as a weapon I'm guessing he may have already done.

House is a marital asset and would be split doesn't matter shit it's in his name - same for the car.

PenguinsandPebbles · 09/12/2016 03:12

Your family won't adore him when they find out what he has done

TaintForTheLikesOfWe · 09/12/2016 03:26

It's over. For your mental health ongoing it has to be. Take control, get advice and don't listen to him in any way. He is not your friend. All the money side can be sorted out after. Get him to leave for now to give you some breathing space but he has told you who and what he is and THAT bit you should listen to! What a turd!

Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:28

He hasn't threatened anything. He's just rolling over saying he's sorry he's not defending himself, fighting for me or anything. He said he'll sell the house and give me the money. I don't want his money, I want him. I wish I never found out. I feel like such a fool. I can't believe the stuff he came out with about not being able to fully commit himself. And about him looking for an escape

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Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:28

I've gone from crying to being fuming again. I love him so much but now I fucking hate him

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Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:29

I'm absolutely not staying with him though. But what the fuck do I tell the kids...

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Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:31

I need sleep. I'm fucked.

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CheerfulYank · 09/12/2016 03:34

I'm so sorry.

Not fighting for you is the worst. I found out some things DH had done (not cheating but other things) and he just wanted to give up. Not feeling like the life you've made together is worthwhile enough to fight for is fucking awful.

Just go one step at a time.

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