My husband just told me he cheated

[RavioliOnToast]

Wtf, I can't type details. I'm too shocked. I'm angry I'm going to scream so yes it'll be a drip feed until I can fully function.

What the hell do I do now? The mortgage is only in his name. I'm fucked.

I was one of those MNetters who claimed, 100% my husband wouldn't cheat, and he has. I'm devastated. I can't do this.

It doesn't matter what is in his name and what is in your name. If you divorce everything is an asset of the marriage and goes into the pot to be split between you. So don't stay with him just because you think you'll end up with nothing.

Many solicitors who specialise in family law will give a free initial consultation which will give you some idea of your entitlements in a divorce. It may be worth talking to them.

I would not send a message to her. It won't help and may make things worse.

You have asked for someone to tell you what to do but this is something you have to decide for yourself. You don't have to decide right now but it is your decision. Only you know whether it is worth trying to make your marriage work. Some marriages survive cheating and become strong again. Others are destroyed by it.

It is your decision but I would recommend that you don't decide now. You seem to be all over the place emotionally. You need to take time to get your head round what has happened and figure out what you really want.

I'd rather she was spiteful I think, if there was some truth in it anyway. She could add any little bits in she pleased after that as long as the initial yes or no was truthful about whether they slept together.

None of this really matters, not really.

Just you. Please just put him and his issues to one side and know that you're ok and will be ok.

Take the time you have to breathe and it be reminded of how he's let you down.

Switch your phone off and just do something with your dc. That's what's going to pull you through today.

Ow owes you nothing, please don't open up that can of worms.

There is no way on god's earth she will admit to anything, he's already got to her and she knows you know.

op this awful for you, i remember a similar situation when i was 22 and he left me and then he had someone else in the word work. i messaged her to ask her she had been seeing him behind my back and she denyed it i later found out from ex he had slept with her behind my back after i got to him to admit it by saying my friend saw them together, she too also had a boyfriend at the time. Either she will be truthful or deny it but you will never know which is the truth because shes not excately a trustworthy person. The fact they stayed at the same hotel is enough to suggest they had sex im sorry op.

I never looked back since and met dh who took ds on we got married and had another two children they are decent blokes out there and not everyone cheats like pp stated.

I'd rather she was spiteful I think, if there was some truth in it anyway. She could add any little bits in she pleased after that as long as the initial yes or no was truthful about whether they slept together.

You might be surprised at how, when the dust settles a bit, it can be those "little bits" that continue to eat away at you. Much like the initial excuse H made of "not being able to form attachments" that's hurting you right now. Small, seemingly throwaway comments, can become the most important things to a hurt mind.

There is no way on god's earth she will admit to anything, he's already got to her and she knows you know.

You don't know this. Some people enjoy causing as much pain as possible.

I went through something similar, but the way he defended it was he supposedly had 'commitment issues'. Which was bollocks. He could commit to things when he wanted to. He just like shagging around.

Its basically code for 'I will never be faithful to you'. The guff about how he thought you could cure him is pathetic. He had no right to draw you and the kids into his games.

KEEP CALM. DO NO RUSH INTO ANYTHING.
Hissy has given very good advice. Understand and accept that you are not in the right place to make emotional decisions. Do not let yourself be emotionally blackmailed into saying or doing anything. Making decisions with your heart is a very bad idea at a time like this. What you can and should trust yourself to do is to establish your legal and financial standing. Many many women including myself have made decisions whilst in the grip of hurt emotional turmoil (which goes on months - not days!) which have left them financially vulnerable. I know moneys not everything but years down the line it has been proven that women and children have not been adequately or fairly provided for in divorce cases. There is a big temptation to settle for anything just because its too painful to deal with. So once again, keep calm and do not be forced into doing anything. Big hug for you at a tough time xx

What he has is a pattern, of sexting, chaturbate, getting sexual thrills with other women, which causes a shockwave when you find out, and you get through it, and then it repeats - it has moved up a gear into real life sexual thrills with someone. The chances of him stopping this pattern are slim. My ex did this stuff repeatedly. Your guy is not him, but sounds like him. If I could go back in time to myself when I was about your age, going through the same sort of thing, would be to end it here. The pain you go through everytime... The hardest thing seemed to be to leave. But I wish I had taken that path.

She knows I know anyway, she was messsaging him when I was on his snapchat last night. I told her thanks for her info and she was welcome to him.

Oh my poor girl. Get support from friends and family that you can trust.
There may be a temptation to accept an apology from him, he may be sorry but what has happened must be faced and dealt with and not just swept to one side. You will feel very sad and he probably does to ...
Dont tell everyone, you'll regret that at some point... but do get trustworthy help if you can. You will need to talk and talk about this to process it. Your relationship may survive this, it may not. You are too close and too upset to even think about this yet. Get through the day, look after the kids and yourself. Go for a walk.

Ravioli Please don't do anything hasty. You in shock at the moment and your anger is red hot but soon it will become cold anger. hat you need to do, if you haven't already and you decide you can't go on is to accumulate all the paperwork for finances, anything and everything and give it to a trusted friend to keep. Ditto irreplaceable photographs and items of value or you may come home to find that your home has been stripped as I did because I trusted hi to behave decently during the divorce. Even though I could prove the existence of things trough photos, it all came down to a 'he says, she says' scenario in law and I never got the stuff back or what I did was destroyed but I had no legal redress as I couldn't prove the items were not in that condition already. Please, if you are going to call it quits, as upset and angry as you are, use your head and think long term. get your stuff out of there especially things that will be useful in a court.

And remember whatever happens, you will survive, life will go on and at some point in the future you will be happy again

I'm just restating what I said before and backing up others: Please, please don't do anything hasty. And don't contact OW. There is no point. What they may or may not have done sexually is irrelevant. What IS relevant is that he has been unfaithful. Who, what, when, where, why doesn't matter; the trust is broken, the vows have been betrayed.

Again, see a solicitor. You said you know everything about family finances, that's great, you're one step ahead already. Take that information with you and ask about your options and potential financial support/settlement. You don't need to do anything with this information, but forewarned is forearmed.

Find one person in RL to confide in. A friend or relative that you feel will keep your confidence. Someone who can have your back and help you with any practicalities.

If it would help you, please consider short term counseling. Not with an eye to saving the marriage, but a counselor to give you the tools you need to deal with this from a position of strength.

And remember whatever happens, you will survive, life will go on and at some point in the future you will be happy again.

Very wise words. I am living proof of this being true, as I suspect are many other MNers on this thread.

Sorry this is happening to you op.
I will go against the grain and say if you want to message her then you should do so, be polite (I know you won't want to be) and just ask her the question. There is some chance she will tell the truth and in that case you can stop wondering. I still have lots of unasked questions for the woman in my situation which I will now never get an answer to.If I'd asked at the beginning when she was in shock about my finding out I feel there is some chance she might have answered truthfully-but she has since had time to come up with her own version of the truth, publicised that,and she will now stick to it.
If you message her and she doesn't reply then so what-you are no worse off.

This feels dreadful at the moment and you need time to let it sink in and to think through your options here. I know right now you want him-but you want the him you thought he was and that you envisaged spending your life with. That version of him doesn't seem to be the real person, so I guess you need to decide wether you can live with what he actually is.
To me it would be untenable-it's the constant nagging doubt about what he would be up to that would do me in-but I am not you and you might feel he has enough redeeming qualities.

If he has to be home tonight (shame he can't even see the need to give you a bit of space) then as you say, avoid him. You need a bit of time to breathe.

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP, he is just a complete and utter wanker for putting you through this.

One thing I have learned from this board, is that men will minimise, to make themselves look as 'less bad' as possible, if he knows him having intercourse with someone else is your ultimate line, he won't admit to it.

It sounds like his pattern of behaviour is set, and he is escalating, pushing further and further, so even if he hasn't slept with someone else yet, from his past actions it is looking pretty certain that he will do so at some point int he not too distant future.

You need to question whether it is worth investing anymore years in this sorry excuse for a man. Do you want to fast forward 10 years and be posting here after discovering he has been having a full blown affair, or that he has just left and run off into the sunset with an OW?

He hasn't shown a shred of remorse or guilt, there is a saying used on MN that is very apt. 'He is telling you exactly who he is, listen to him'.

Well, it's often said on MN that these cheaters move out and the poor, upset partners are left with the DC. Better for the cheater to do childcare and domestics and the woman have a break to think!

I'm sorry you're facing this right now, but try your best to keep calm. I know it's impossible, but try.

Remember to eat and drink a little. Get fresh air and don't do anything you don't need to around the house ... except feed your little one.

Don't contact the OW. Why would she be honest. Why would 2 adults, in the privacy of a hotel not have sex? Of course they did.
All while DD was in hospital as well. That's exceedingly low.

You've been suspicious before, so this isn't his first rodeo. You just haven't had any proof before now.

You have youth on your side if you want to move on. I'm not saying you should leave him, but your husband has been seeking the attention of other women for a while.

Before you say you can't be without him, you need to know the magnitude of what he's done.

He can start with a written timeline of this and all other affairs he's had.

Ravioli, you don't need to do anything until you are sure what it is you want the outcome to be. Your thoughts and instincts are so conflicted you don't appear to be in a position to make a rational decision.
You have received a lot of good advice on here.
First secure your position in either the event you separate over this or sometime in the future ie re the house and legal advice.
You now know enough to make you fear the worse so you may as well tell DH you want to know it all because you can't think about forgiveness unless you do (not that you feel like forgiving him atm). If you did decide to give it another chance you'd be beaten over the head again by any further disclosures about past indiscretions.
Do not accept the allegation that he finds it impossible to commit. This is an old chestnut many men use --- in others they are saying they are to be more pitied than blamed for the choices they make. He committed to you very publicly by marrying you, by stating he loved you and his DC. He is weak willed and makes the choices he knows are wrong, disceitful. We don't accept such defences from sex offenders or habitual criminals that they can't help themselves. Any man can think with his dick but most don't choose to actually cheat on a partner they say they love.
You may decide to leave any separation until after Christmas, but at any rate take things slowly and do it in your own time, when it suits you and your DC.
Good luck

Dh came home early from work to talk things through.

I told him that if I'm what he wants he needs to tell me everything. He told me they kissed 3/4 times. I told him he needs to tell me if they slept together because I can't move on unless I know the truth. He swears blind he hasn't. He was really defending himself today in comparison to last night.

He told me he liked the attention. I asked him if he wanted to break up to seek out other experiences, he has had 3 sexual partners with me included so I thought it may have been that he was seeking. He said he wasn't looking for anything but was flattered by the attention and that's why they continued to text. He has said he is completely stupid and he's prepared to do whatever it takes to help me trust him again. He has severed all forms of contact with this person. I've told him I need a few weeks to make a decision and see how I feel when the dust has settled. I can't make a decision now, my head is everywhere. I feel like I'm completely on rock bottom and entirely worthless. Like my attention isn't enough for him , and on the whole as though I'm not enough for him. He'll be sleeping on the sofa for the next few weeks to give me some space and has said he will move out if that's what I want aswell. I want to leave things for now and try and come to a decision in my own time with little disruption to the dcs as possible. I'll talk to my friend the next time I see her about it, to offload in RL, but this thread has saved me today. I struggle emotionally with things and have previously slashed all my legs when things have gotten too much. If I didn't have the support of everybody on here today, I guarantee that's what would have happened again. Even with the thread I approached the knife drawer on many occasions today but never acted on it.

I know I should be on anti depressants too, I don't like to rely on medication though and haven't felt this bad in ages. It's going to be a long hard road. I'm going to sit in Monday and go through all the bank accounts, make a list of any assets and all bank balances. I may even arrange for someone to come out and value the house ( unsure if I can do this yet though with the mortgage being in his name) I just want to take a few days to get my fucks in a row and then go from there emotionally, I'm angry right now and as previously said I need to channel this into figuring out what my financial position would be in the event of a split.

That sounds good OP, now is the time for self preservation, I just hate how his life gets to carry on as normal with no consequence, you should really be telling him to fuck off for the weekend, I am sure your children will believe a story, at least that way he's feeling something cos right now nothing is changing for him, it's all hunky dory.

I also would not believe his story about it only going as far as a kiss, in a hotel with nobody around, it's highly unlikely they never made full use of the situation, sorry but they all say the same.

Take your time, I hope whatever you decide is for your best interests, never mind the kids, or him.

Slow and steady wins the race.
No knee jerk reactions.
Go along silently as you can, keep everything pretty normal. But, go get legal advice. Today/tomorrow. Find out where you stand legally.
Keep the morality out of it for now, or until
you are sure of your position regards house and finance. Get independent financial advice also.
In essence, think like a man. Compartmentalise your life into boxes like men can and close the emotional box, just for now.