My husband just told me he cheated

[RavioliOnToast]

Wtf, I can't type details. I'm too shocked. I'm angry I'm going to scream so yes it'll be a drip feed until I can fully function.

What the hell do I do now? The mortgage is only in his name. I'm fucked.

I was one of those MNetters who claimed, 100% my husband wouldn't cheat, and he has. I'm devastated. I can't do this.

I half wish he would fuck off aswell but I don't think I'd be able to cope full on with the kids all weekend on my own after work aswell. I am a support worker for adults with disabilities and 'behaviours of concern'. My shifts are full of people screaming at me and trying to hit/bite/strangle me so I couldn't come home to the kids after that on my own and not break down I don't think. Especially with the lack of my mental stability right now. I'm not going to do anything stupid, but I really wish I could.

Closing the emotional box is a good way of looking at it. I feel after today I've got a bit more of a handle on them and yes I'm angry, disappointed, upset etc, but I'm hurting silently. I'll be civil to him in the house and that's it.

So sorry to read all this ravioli. That punch to the stomach is recognised by a lot of women. I've felt it too and it's pretty unbearable. We're all saying you'll get through it because you will. Something you felt for him will have been eroded though. Bit by bit love can die because of situations like this, if he were to do on and do it again. It's not the first time he's looked away from home by the sound of it.

I can understand wanting to make a decision as I found being in limbo unbearable. I almost wanted to make a decision, rightly or wrongly, just to decide and get on the next path in life.

You sound a lovely person and he doesn't deserve you (the bastard).

The hurt is immense. Just get through the next few days. Get him out the house when you get back from work. Perhaps tell him to get the kids to bed so you can have a night off from that. Take care.

I'll come back and update as and when anything happens. Thanks again for everything

Please see your GP and let them assess your mental health and discuss the best help you can get for that. You do very much deserve to be well looked after.

Agree about some downtime for you to rest. It would be absolutely in order to have a couple of weeks sick leave when you feel so anxious and depressed. Your H has compounded that x1000 and should be taking over as much as possible with DC and house since you've very kindly let him stay for now. Take care of yourself.

You've previously had problems working th him on chaterbate? You know that's a cam site, he's wanking over live girls.

This man has no respect for you.

I wish you all the best and I hope you find a solution. Me personally I'd be leaving his ass

The only thing I'm going to say is that he didn't because 'he loved the attention', what's going to happen the next time he gets or needs 'attention'?

I'd strongly suggest marital counseling (and possibly individual) to help both of you work through this. And for him to figure out why he needs the 'attention' and how to 'fix' that in himself.

Yes I know that dark, it was right at the beginning of the relationship.

Can't gonsick unfortunately Matilda ins till in my probationary period so I'm just going to have too suck it up. I've slept for 2.5 hours on the sofa and can at least control my thoughts now. I'm going to shower and go to bed. He can see to the girls.

I feel alone. I want to snap back to yesterday when I was oblivious, he's the only one I've ever felt properly safe with and now that's gone. I don't know what to do now other than try and mull everything over and try and get in for counselling and then make a decision after that? Maybe counselling will help me make sense of what I want to do?

Ravioli hope you don't mind a a post from a bloke but I've been on the other side of a cheating woman;!

However its a hell of a punch in the gut in fact that might be easier to deal with there are some very strong emotions at work right now and the best advice your likely to get is MN in fact its a excellent resource .

However don't do anything rash see your GP if you think it will help, i think you should.

If he is really repentant then he should bloody well should but but i suspect that his wasn't the only incident somehow. Yes as some say a marriage can survive this problem and sometimes be better for it but that is very much debatable. You've put a lot of thrust in him and it is devastating when it goes like this.

Leave the OW along seems shes as bloody devious as what he is I'm sure
she'd know your married and she too has no respect for your marriage.

All that i can say of use and I'm not a lawyer is if you are married and as you say have young children then it's very likely that you'll hang onto the house and he will have to pay maintenance and support for your children. Who shagged cheated on whom is of no interest to the courts their man concern is the well being of the children involved.

So sorry that this has happened to you;(

Please see your GP anyway. Your job sounds highly stressful.

I love my job very much, but it emotionally and physically draining. Apparently they were headed back to the hotel and she saw his wedding ring and asked him and that pulled him to his senses apparently I don't know what to believe. The point is he cheated, can we get past it?

I'd hate to throw it away but I won't even consider staying together until we've been to therapy or something

Heading back to the hotel not to sleep with each other apparently.

It's still very early on in the situation give yourself space to breathe but don't agree to anything legal/financial OR marital. It's a shock. I had suspected for a few months with my ex but the final undeniable realisation was still that hit in the gut as others have described. It's a club I wouldn't wish membership on anyone!

Hi Ravioli, was wondering how you are doing. Just read the bit about your workplace and I did the same for 5 years so do totally understand the very real physical and emotional drain it puts on you. When I finally got divorced I chucked the job in as well.

Do hope you've found some support as it is very difficult (impossible) to deal with everything that has gone on, on your own 2 weeks before Christmas. Believe me I do know how you feel, as will many many MNers. And yet you will survive, just want you know that. Big hug x

I'm so sorry Ravioli. There is just pain in the first bit, and I don't think much can abridge that. It's a kind of grief. The first, awful bit just has to be gone through. If you push through, I promise it does get better.

I think many people who have had a big shock have the same feelings- "Why?" and "Why me?" and "I wish this had never happened". Many people feel like the pain is too big, and they can just bury their head in the sand, forget, move on with the relationship somehow. Doing so is tempting because it does lessen the immediate pain which can feel unbearable, but unfortunately it also drags out the rest of it, sometimes for years of embittered, personally undermining time.

Speaking to a counsellor might help you figure out where you go from here. If you can get some support like that, maybe through work, that would be fantastic.

Look after yourself.

Apparently they were headed back to the hotel and she saw his wedding ring and asked him and that pulled him to his senses apparently

I've heard some shite in my time, but that takes the biscuit. He's insulting your intelligence with that one love. So did she spot the wedding ring, before or after the cock feeling and the groping?

And why were they still messaging back and forth after they had so honourably decided not to sleep together on account of her having seen his wedding ring and come to their senses?

You're 23 years old and your husband is a liar and a cheat. He's not going to stop. Let the dust settle, another few weeks, months, years and he'll be at it again. He's all full of remorse now, of course he is, but I hate to say it this is only going to go one way.

You're young. You don't have to tie yourself to someone like this. I really hope you can find some strength and kick this fucker into touch.

Hi, everything is okay this end. I keep thinking about it and it hurts, but I'm trying to ignore it for now (over xmas at least) at the minute, were just like friends living in the same house. I'm not committing to anything, he wants to take me out to make some proper time for us as we never have me and him nights anymore. I'm just going to see how it goes. He knows that at any given moment I might think 'fuck this' and he's out. But for now there's no arguing, just a lot of thinking on my part and not a lot of doing at the minute. I'm just going to see what happens, if in 2 weeks/ months I decide that I can't ever ever trust him again or I just can't forgive him/ move past it, I'll end it there and then.

Oh it's awful isn't it, I get that you don't want an upheaval at Xmas but honestly, do not then bury it under a carpet, he's getting off scot free, green light really, you know he's lying about what happened too - unless you actually confront it after the year and then deal with it nothing will change, he will just be more careful in future.

You know you deserve better than this.

and PLEASE sort out the finances, house in his name only, he's holding all the control OP, even when throwing shit in your direction.

Sorry to sound harsh, I've seen it so many times and would hate you to be back again six months down the line.

He must have a consequence for his actions otherwise he will never feel what it would be like to lose you, he knows he can talk him way back in again.

He's got a cheek when you have such young children - what will happen when they are older and you've 'forgotten' this other indiscretion? He doesn't seem like a very nice person to treat you in this way - I suppose he's blocked her from everything so that you are not longer able to get hold of her if you want to? Sorry all this is happening to you but keep your wits about you and know that he is already a liar so be aware that you probably don't know it all

I know her name and can see her profile on Facebook so he's blocked her from his, deleted her number and all that jazz. I'm just not making any decisions yet. I know what I should do, but I think him seeing a counsellor first might be an option befor i decide anything

Do you really think he will actually go and get counselling?

I think it's engrained him, I didn't even notice the wanking on web cams, Jesus, where's your limit OP!

Can't he piss off for a few days to at least let you think about what you want for the future?

OP, not sure how to put this, but this particular OW isn't the crux of the problem here. It could have been anyone. Just because she's the one you've found out about it.
He's got form for his dodgy online activity, he's told you he has attachment issues (bit late for that after marriage!). He liked the attention. Thing is, she's not special, he's a chancer who will flirt again when he finds the opportunity and what happens then?

He's treating you like a complete mug and knows that he's got you where he wants you.
You asked him to leave for a while, he didn't.
Then he said he wouldn't 'bother' you that night, but he came home from work early 'to talk things through' . Talk you round, more like.

I bet he's not still on the sofa is he? How long did that last?
They all swear blind they haven't slept with the OW.
And I agree with Fontella about the wedding ring story.

You're 23, whole life ahead of you, there's no need to stay with a man like this.