My husband just told me he cheated

[RavioliOnToast]

Wtf, I can't type details. I'm too shocked. I'm angry I'm going to scream so yes it'll be a drip feed until I can fully function.

What the hell do I do now? The mortgage is only in his name. I'm fucked.

I was one of those MNetters who claimed, 100% my husband wouldn't cheat, and he has. I'm devastated. I can't do this.

I agree, you need to sit down and breath.
Don't worry about sleep, the adrenalin will keep you going for a while.
It's amazing what our bodies cope with when they have to.

No knee jerk reactions.
Don't do anything too hasty.

It would be good if he could just be out of your space for a few days.
Just to give you some headspace and time to figure things out.

Get an understanding of what would happen with assets, cars, etc... if you did split up. Knowledge is power.
But take your time.

He wants to work through things but you both have to be on board for this to work.

Sugary tea! Keep your sugar levels up and keep yourself hydrated.
Once the adrenalin stops you will crash.

This is an awful awful time.
So look after yourself.

Can you speak to a non judgmental friend?
You will need someone who will understand if you do want to stay and work things though.
Talking to someone about it all will be such a huge relief for you.

HUGE hugs darling, please breathe.

Now you have a bit of space today, it will be easier.

Keep breathing, keep posting. We're here xx

I only really have one friend like proper friend who I could completely trust and that was her last night. She knows about the other incidents and I think that's why she told me discreetly, she knew I knew what she was getting at but she just wanted to inform me I think.

Bert how would I register my home rights? Is it getting out in the land registry.

To be honest I can't face telling anyone now, hence why I headed straight to MN, as a bit of anonymity. I can't cope not being with him. I'm not sure what I want yet. I honestly don't know if I could trust him again, I don't think I ever ever would, I had a thread before where I was slated pretty much for checking up on his phone occasionally after the previous incidents.

Part of me hopes it would work, the other or days what the fuck are you even contemplating this for, he'll only do it again. I know I can be happy on my own aswell because I've done it before with dd1s dad. So I'm not afraid of being on my own. After dd1s dad, I thought I would always keep a little barrier up between me and everyone else, it took ages but he eventually got through and I loved him so much I was so vulnerable. My feelings weren't protected at all, I thought he'd never do this. I'm only 23, I can't go through the next 50/60 years always checking up on him. Never knowing whether he has done it again. I feel like a completely broken woman. I'm so sad.

You will mend Ravioli
Absolutely you will mend

Try and be strategic if you can

Oh sweetie, you really will mend.

This is the home rights form, there is no fee to pay.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

You need to know the title number to the home, which will be on the paperwork about the house when it was bought. If you don't have easy access to that, you can search here for £3.

eservices.landregistry.gov.uk/www/wps/portal/!ut/p/b1/04_Sj9CPykssy0xPLMnMz0vMAfGjzOKNjSxMDA1NjDwsjM3MDTxN3dyNDUNMjQ1MjPWDU_P0C7IdFQG9k5Tz/

Thanks Bert will look into it. I can't even think straight at the minute and he sent me a message saying 'can we even fix this' so I've said well I don't know and he said cause he can't live like this, so I said well don't, come and get a bag and go

I'm a solicitor too, and the home rights advice given here is excellent. Protects you but does not start any process off in terms of separating.

If you think there is a chance of reconciliation perhaps look into counselling too. Then tell him about both. It sends the message that there may be a chance of moving forward but if it doesn't happen you will not be messed about with. Sometimes people really need to know how deeply they've hurt someone to move forward.

Good luck OP, be kind to yourself

Thing is OP, you didn't trust him before, probably with good reason, and you don't have "full disclosure". Eg how many OW there have been, if he's shagged them etc. And it doesn't seem likely he'll tell you.

Your heart is broken.
Totally broken.
It's like someone has ripped it out.
Smashed it into a thousand little pieces, thrown it on the floor and trampled on it.
But.... it can be put back together and fixed, it just takes time.
At 23, I think you might be right that you can't go on like this forever.
You are very young and have a whole big life ahead of you.
But this is your life and your decision.
Don't rush it.
Ask him to move out for the time being and then go from there.

Take your time and take the legal advice posted up thread.

Just for now let it all sink in, you said there were other indiscretions previously? Did you raise them with him at the time and did he promise he would never do anything like that again?

I hate to say this but you only have his word on the extent of their interactions.

You don't have to make any quick decisions, I'm sure he would like it all done and dusted but it won't be, not for a long time.

you need time out to think not surprising your head is all over the place. Make him go later you need space to think and work out what to do. tell the kids he's working . mind yourself

If he loved you he would give you some bloody space, not be there reminding you of what a cunt he is; sorry but he said he would try? That's not even remotely close to a person who is in deep regret or loves their partner - he has to go, even temporarily, it will stop you from actually killing him.

He's staying tonight after work, when he comes in I'll be going in the shower and going to bed. I want him so much, I want him forever and ever by I can't and won't do this again. I'm in a bit of a repetitive head vs heart battle. The indiscretions before were online only, no actual person to pin point it to. I don't know what I can do. Xx

Oh I'm so sorry - this must be so hard for you ....... I couldn't forgive even a kiss or even flirty messages because trust is the absolutely most important part of a relationship - how do you know he hasn't done more though? I know this isn't helping but I am truly sorry you're going through this

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He's a bastard. We are all here to hold your hand.

You need time to come to terms with this. It's one of the biggest shocks you'll ever get. Take it. But please, please don't isolate yourself from others in your life. ANY shame here - and I do mean 100% of it - is his. Tell family. Tell friends. Get the support you need around you. (I didn't do any of this and I really, REALLY wish I had. It's my number 1 regret in terms of how I handled it).

Secondly, love is a passionate emotion but it is also a habit. When you separate from someone in a heartbroken state, the emotion has changed but the habit hasn't. It takes time to stop thinking of the person, to stop planning your life in tandem with theirs, to decouple from them. Because breaking the habit it hard, all kinds of wishes come - that the affair had never happened, or that it could just be fixed and you could go backward. But there is no going back, and there is only pain behind you anyway. Recognising that can be really painful, but it is also the only way to liberation.

You deserve better than this. There ARE guys out there who won't cheat, I promise. This situation totally sucks, but you will get through it and you will heal and move on.

Why should you go to bed out of the way?
When he gets in can you tell him you're going to your friend's house to stay the night there. If so, I'd be inclined to do that. It won't hurt him to have to look after the children. Tell him you'll be home tomorrow lunchtime.

Gives you space and time to pour your heart out to your friend.

I can't go to hers , she's currently living with a friend herself with all her things in storage waiting for her house to complete and it's her work Christmas night tonight. I really haven't got anyone else.

I can't stop crying. It feels more real today. I don't know what to do

You don't actually know the cheating was "only" online. Nor what else he's done. You only know what you've found out about.

I'm sorry but how dare he - how DARE he insist on staying tonight?! HE is in the wrong and HE needs to remove himself from the marital home so that you can think clearly. Anyone with any moral fibre would have given you time and space. He just wants to do a number on you so you find it harder to stand up for yourself. Fuck that! Find your anger love.

The main reason I want him here tonight is to keep the kids out of my way for a bit so I can have time to myself. I can't really think about things at the minute with dd2 here. She's crying that I'm crying and I just need a big sobby snotty cry.

How about going out alone all day on sat and him looking after the DC, then him going elsewhere on Sat and Sun eve?

Even if you do ultimately decide to give him another chance, asking him to leave, him really thinking he will lose / has lost you could help matters.

So he wants to stay tonight and you're going to bed to keep out his way, eh no, he can't come home tonight, do not allow it; as I said, if he truly loves you he will give you at least the weekend to process everything. If you allow him to stay and carry on as normal, you are basically saying it's ok to treat you like crap and of course, absolutely no consequence for his awful behaviour.

Surely someone can mind the kids for you under the circumstances, anyone is better than him!

so I can have time to myself

I'll be a monkey's uncle if he gives you any space whatsoever and doesn't try to -manipulate- talk to you.

Were both at work on Saturday and me all day Sunday, I don't really have any other opportunity. Nobody to mind kids, my Mam is at work and they've never slept elsewhere. &"I want into keep it all as normal as possible for them xx