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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband just told me he cheated

146 replies

RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 02:18

Wtf, I can't type details. I'm too shocked. I'm angry I'm going to scream so yes it'll be a drip feed until I can fully function.

What the hell do I do now? The mortgage is only in his name. I'm fucked.

I was one of those MNetters who claimed, 100% my husband wouldn't cheat, and he has. I'm devastated. I can't do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 11:33

I really don't think he will. bacon, he's got his tail between his legs it seems

OP posts:
Adora10 · 09/12/2016 11:37

OP, regardless of the reasons why he thought it alright to cheat on you, by allowing his life to carry on as normal you are basically letting him off with a slap on the wrist, do you think it's good for the kids to listen to the two of you argue about this because you will end up having an almighty row I'm sure, can't he kip on a friend's couch, surely.

BestZebbie · 09/12/2016 11:39

Be aware that if you are intending to divorce him for adultery, a kiss and a fondle won't actually count.

Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 11:41

I feel like I want. To talk to him. I want him to agree to counselling

OP posts:
Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 11:42

Yes I know Best I think I'd just leave it, doesn't it go ahead if you live apart for five years?

OP posts:
Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 11:43

I can't leave him. I want to but don't feel like I can. I don't know what I can do

OP posts:
Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 11:44

I want to give it a little while and see what happens. See if I build up trust for him, but I promised myself I wouldn't do that to myself again, and if he does it again how much harder is it going to be the next time. I need someone to tell me what to do. I can't make this decision.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 09/12/2016 11:45

I don't agree with the PP who said that most men cheat. That simply isn't true. Anyone can cheat. But that doesn't make it the norm.

Also, I'd be dubious about him saying he's only kissed this woman. Cheaters usually try to minimise what they've done. I'm so sorry OP.

Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 11:45

They were staying at the same hotel so I don't think I believe him either. I want to message her and ask but know she won't give me a straight answer

OP posts:
DianaMitford · 09/12/2016 11:46

Now isn't the time for making decisions. You need to let yourself process this first.

So for today, look after yourself. Lots of tea and chocolate (if you've got it in the house, I haven't!) and do whatever you need to try and relax a little. Your world is spinning at the moment and it'll take a while for everything to fall into its new place.

lottieandmia · 09/12/2016 11:46

If you're going to stay with him I think you need to make sure you have the absolute truth about this. Especially as he already has form.

Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 11:48

I have a typed out message to her but haven't sent it.

OP posts:
Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 11:49

It says

Did you sleep with him? I'm not going to go on at you, I just want to know for my own piece of mind.

OP posts:
LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 09/12/2016 11:51

Sorry ravioli this is shit Flowers Just get the space you need and take it a step at a time.

Hissy · 09/12/2016 11:54

Please stop Ravioli, please take the time to take a break from this in your head, what will be will be and you will be ok, can you take the toddler out for a wander, distract yourself a little.

Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 11:55

Shall I send her the message? I need to know. I can't go anywhere I keep crying

OP posts:
Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 11:56

I need somebody to tell me what to do. Please. I can't think straight

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 09/12/2016 11:59

They stayed at the same hotel.
You KNOW they slept together.
You don't need her to confirm it.
You KNOW in your heart of hearts what happened!
Even if she responds and says 'No we didn't have sex' will you believe it - really????
Doubt it.
It will just make things worse.
If I was her, I wouldn't be admitting to anything to the wife.
I do hope you get some peace and quiet later and a bit of headspace.

Original poster
RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 12:00

Apparently they went back to the hotel together and went to their separate rooms. I need to hear it. I need to hear one of them say it.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 09/12/2016 12:04

Same hotel, separate rooms - highly unlikely OP.

Not saying you should separate or divorce but he should be giving you a couple of days peace out of your sight fgs, you don't have to make and should be making any big decisions right now, you should be around people that care about you and can support you, not HIM.

TheWoodlander · 09/12/2016 12:06

OP, so sorry this has happened, you must be in turmoil.

My advice would be not to contact her. You have no guarantee that she will tell you truth.

shovetheholly · 09/12/2016 12:06
  • You know he's been on chaturbate
  • You know he's had photos of other women on his phone
  • You know he's been snapchatting with this woman, and you have seen the messages
  • He's admitted kissing and groping her.

Honestly, with all of the above, can you really trust any answer he gives you about what happened at the hotel?

What more evidence do you need?

Breaking up involves worlds of pain, but there is no way to 'fix' this that doesn't also involved worlds of pain. Your relationship is not going to be the same from here on out.

You deserve better than this. So, so much better.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 09/12/2016 12:10

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Something very similar happened to me in January so I completely understand the emotions, the confusion, the pain and the plain old disbelief that you are feeling today.

With regards to messaging the OW - please consider very carefully whether you really want to hear her answers. She might tell you nothing, she might tell you everything. She might even make things up to hurt you further.

I can't tell you not to message her, because I did message the OW in my situation. I just had a complete need to know the truth from her point of view. I'm still not 100% sure I got that, but - luckily for me - she wasn't/isn't an obsessed lunatic, just a lonely bored woman who did nothing to cause any more trouble than her messages/naked photos had already caused. I have to warn you that I have heard of some OW who, when confronted, enjoy being as spiteful as possible. I really don't think you need that sort of reaction today do you?

Also, to echo others, do nothing until your mind clears. Nothing except for making H move out for a few days to give you space. Tell the DCs he's away for work if they ask. I would say yes to counselling - Relate will get you in for an initial assessment appointment fairly quickly but you will then have to wait to start regular sessions (this was my experience anyway). Whether you end up working through this or not, I would still recommend talking to an independent counsellor. They will also only charge you what you can afford to pay.

The desperate mind fog you have today is temporary - I promise you that. Time will help you to think properly & also make it clear to you whether you want to work on the marriage or not. Please don't rush anything, this is your life. You have as long as it takes to decide the best way forward for YOU.

You do need H out of the house for now. That is important. You can't think properly whilst carrying on "as normal" and whilst he is there and able to manipulate you daily.

Ginkypig · 09/12/2016 12:12

I remember feeling like you too, the love I felt was all consuming. My first relationship was a bad one but I loved him too much to put it into words, I would have stayed forever no matter how bad!

Luckily for me it did end and 14/15 years on I really have met the true love of my life! I'd have missed that because I was blinded by love before.

I'm a bit older now but my feelings have more perspective now I understand that I am the most important thing, that my feelings are important but not more important than the reality of how I am treated or how I'm living.

What I am trying to say is love can be a lovely thing but do not let feeling love for somone trap you in a life that ultimately makes you unhappy!

I can't tell you to leave him (I def would) but what I can say is look at your whole picture your potential future (yours not your relationship) if what you want is to not live wondering if you can trust then you can't stay.

How do you want your life to be at 30,40,50 whatever that is go for it. If he or his behaviour ruins that picture of future life then cut him off now.

This man I'm with now is true love but our relationship is not more important than me and my life. If we didn't work out that's ok because why waste the little years we have being miserable. It would devestate me if we ended things but I'm strong enough now to do that if it needed done (i very much hope it never does though)

tribpot · 09/12/2016 12:14

You've left it too long. If she confirms his story now, you'll never know if it's because it's true or because he told her what to say if you contacted her. It's pointless to try and engage with her.

Same hotel and separate rooms is incredibly unlikely to be true. His stuff about being unable to form attachments is pseudo-psychological bollocks designed to make it seem like he has a 'problem', rather than that he's a sad cheating fucker. He doesn't seem to have a problem attaching his hands (and the rest) to someone else's body.

He doesn't want to give you headspace so that he can panic you into taking him back before you know what you really want.

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