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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My husband just told me he cheated

146 replies

RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 02:18

Wtf, I can't type details. I'm too shocked. I'm angry I'm going to scream so yes it'll be a drip feed until I can fully function.

What the hell do I do now? The mortgage is only in his name. I'm fucked.

I was one of those MNetters who claimed, 100% my husband wouldn't cheat, and he has. I'm devastated. I can't do this.

OP posts:

Report

RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:34

Now he's saying he wants to work on it. He won't ever do it again. It doesn't feel real.

OP posts:

PenguinsandPebbles · 09/12/2016 03:34

You tell the children nothing for now.

You tell him to leave, you don't leave.
You see a solicitor tomorrow
You don't engage with him about anything now until after you have seen a solicitor

The hating/loving/what the fuck do I feel - is all normal.

RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:35

cheerful he just keeps saying he doesn't know what to say. I've told him to message his boss and try and put an emergency holiday in to pack his shit up and go to his dads for a few days. He said he doesn't want to leave, he wants us to work.

OP posts:

PenguinsandPebbles · 09/12/2016 03:35

Because he isn't being real

Do not engage with him.

RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:35

I can't afford a solicitor, I've got sweet fuck all in the bank now after buying his fucking car! It was only £600 but my wage is pitiful...

OP posts:

RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:37

Do we pretend everything is normal until after xmas for the kids sake? I don't know what to do

OP posts:

PenguinsandPebbles · 09/12/2016 03:38

Regardless of the fact some people say "solicitor don't do that" some will give a free 30 minutes and if you go in with straight facts your at very least know your legal position.

The citizens advice bureau will also help you

Graphista · 09/12/2016 03:40

Don't agree to anything until you've been advised. You say you don't want the money you want him trust me in 6 months you won't likely feel the same.

Prepare yourself for more revelations too. it doesn't always all come out at once.

Try and sleep (warm milk sleeping pill?)

RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 03:45

I can't take anything . I'm up for the school run in 2 and a half hours. I'll be utterly fucked

OP posts:

PenguinsandPebbles · 09/12/2016 04:00

Tell him to do the school run.

sofato5miles · 09/12/2016 04:28

Get him to leave for a few days. That will trigger the loss response. There is no set path. You don't have to break up but you are allowed to. It is your choice ( and his too).

Give yourselves space to think.

My great friend found out her DH had had a one night stand with his colleague. She took the kids away for a long weekend.

They did counselling and the counsellor gave them the belief that, as a couple they worked, and so they talked it out. Both sdmitted faults ( his worse obv). That was 9 years ago and they are still together and they seem very happy. The OW didn't leave the company for 2 years but they even managed that.

Jellybellyqueen · 09/12/2016 04:34

He's a selfish bastard, chances are you would never be able to trust him again. Good advice from pp about not engaging with him until you have seen a solicitor and know where you stand.
How old are the kids? It might be kinder not to let on just before Xmas, but it really is his responsibility to explain any fallout from his behaviour. Don't keep his tawdry secrets for him regarding anyone else. You might need the support from your family.

onitlikeacarbonnet · 09/12/2016 05:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SomeonesRealName · 09/12/2016 05:43

Great advice from onitlikeacarbonnet. Absolutely second what she said about finances and seeing a solicitor immediately before you show your hand. You can't afford not to. Mine was paid mainly out of the divorce settlement. Even if you trust him, don't risk your welfare and that of your children by failing to control for the risk that he might follow the path of so many before him and empty your bank accounts without so much as a twinge of conscience leaving you up shit creek and in an even weaker position. I'm so sorry this is happening but fall apart later once you've protected yourself.

Marmalade782 · 09/12/2016 05:51

Everyone was so quick to assume that OP must leave her husband before she confirmed her feelings herself. It's so fresh. If you only JUST found out - let the dust settle. Take a weekend away, or he can, as other people have suggested. Making huge decisions and making appointments with a solicitor can wait until your head is clearer. You might think your head is clear now but it's not. Take time to rationally think through your next moves. You can take as much time as you need or want to do that.

SoTheySentMeA · 09/12/2016 05:53

God this sounds awful!

OP - if you split, take whatever money he offers. The guilt will not last long. Fuck him, he can shift for himself.

Bagina · 09/12/2016 06:42

Awful. Try and get him to go for the short term and give yourself some space; you can't think with him there. Can you get someone to look after the kids? I know I wouldn't be able to get past it. It would make me an anxious horrible old lady. I wouldn't be able to live with all the paranoia and the pain. It's so raw, just get him out so you can go through all the emotions. Definitely tell people for support. Don't keep his dirty secret.

Dozer · 09/12/2016 06:48

Yes, get him out, and ideally arrange to spend christmas separately. And read up on legal matters, get photocopies of financial documents etc.

It's sad for the DC but best to be honest, in age appropriate way, mum is upset and angry because dad has had other girlfriends, which you shouldn't do when you're married.

It sounds like he has cheated before, and I'd bet he has had sex with OWomen too.

Apple1976 · 09/12/2016 07:48

I hope you managed to get some rest last night.
Just give yourself some time for the dust to settle. Don't make any decisions yet - if you need some head space get him to go for a few days.
I remember being there the first time I found out my husband had been cheating. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Unfortunately I learnt very quickly that I didn't actually know him at all - he lied continuously, got angry to make me think I was paranoid, hacked into my emails to delete evidence I'd found and emailed to myself (I was one step ahead of him and had already send it on to a friend to keep for me). I say first time as there were others over the coming years and we are now separated.

I recall in the first week or so feeling utterly shell shocked. I didn't want to be anywhere near him, but I didn't want to kick him out as I missed him even though I hated him.

I think you need time and space. Prepare yourself for him to say anything and everything to get you to think he wants to work Things out. He'll be desperate to do that - even if he's set up a new account to message this woman in a difffeny way. People can be very manipulative when cornered.

Don't worry about anything else other than getting your head straight to start with. Get advice from CAB and don't tell him what you really doing.
Big hugs x

Hissy · 09/12/2016 08:01

Please love, just stop.

Don't panic, you can't panic, it won't help.

You don't have to do anything today, tomorrow, next week or next month.

You're in control of this.

When the dust has settled, yes you can go and see a solicitor. The fact you're married has given you the protection you need.

Whatever happens, you'll be ok. Things will be ok.

All this talk of divorce, take half etc is too premature. Yes you can go down that path, but not today.

Breathe. You don't need to tell the kids anything, because nothing has actually happened that they need to know about yet.

It may not ever happen, it's too soon.

PLEASE don't panic. Keep posting and refuse to be goaded into taking the sensationalist advice on here just yet.

Let's be here and hold op hand for now? She needs to process all of this before working out what her next step is.

IsNotGold · 09/12/2016 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 09:05

He's gone to work today, asked me to let him stay tonight. He'll stay out of my way etc. I just keep crying, knowing for one thing he wouldn't have stopped the messages had I not found out, and two, just all the lies in the run up to me finding out lying about his password etc. If he hadn't accidentally messaged my friend I wouldn't have even known about it. I feel destroyed, he has broken my heart. After my last dv relationship ( this is not dv) I swore blind that I would never ever put up with any shit whatsoever from a man. Kids are 4 and 22months. We have no cash assets. None at all. He's apparently messaged her and told her it all has to stop this morning. It's the things he said last night about not being able to form emotional attachments. Wtf, why couldn't he tell me this when we got serious?

OP posts:

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RavioliOnToast · 09/12/2016 09:06

He keeps telling me he loves me so much and wants to make it right. He said he'd go to counselling regarding the attachment thing.

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 09/12/2016 09:08

Ravioli, I'm a family solicitor. Please read Hissy's post and let that advice sink in.

Calm down, stop thrashing about, you don't need to do anything in a hurry.

You can very easily register your home rights, which will stop him being able to do any nonsense with the house. This may help him understand the extent to which he has damaged your trust in him. If in the same conversation he agrees to get your credit card back down, well and good. He ought to, if he wants you to trust him again, But just chill, take time for you and the kids. Take a walk somewhere green. Take time to breathe. Find someone trustworthy who will listen to you unloading all this, preferably not your family, they're too invested.

Dozer · 09/12/2016 09:09

he is not respecting your wish for time and space.He just doesn't want people to know or anything to change.

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