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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband meeting up with female ex colleague without telling me

118 replies

anotherglassofred · 18/09/2016 17:20

Completely by accident noticed a message on his phone about meeting up later this week. I am not the type to snoop and he has given me no reason before not to trust him in 15 years of marriage. However looking back through the messages this will not be the first time that they have met up. He has not mentioned it once.

The thing is if he had been upfront about it I would not have been too bothered at all. I now feel hurt that he has never told me as it is as if he is hiding something. He doesn't know I have found out so I will see what excuse he comes up with on the night. I want to see him look me in the eye and lie as it would be so out of character for him and I can hardly believe he could do it. I don't know whether to say anything right away or just keep an eye on the situation.

OP posts:
offside · 18/09/2016 19:43

Didn't want to read and run.

Do you know the ex work colleague? Has he spoken about her before or did they have a particularly close friendship when they were working together?

I've noticed my DP gets regular messages from a particular female ex work colleague which he doesn't mention (I see as they tend to be via email and we share the same iPad so they pop up) this doesn't bother me as he doesn't have to tell me who is and isn't speaking to, but I would be bothered if he was meeting up with her and not telling me.

MudCity · 18/09/2016 19:49

I do hope he tells you on the night and is transparent about where he is going.

YANBU OP...if my DH kept this from me I would be upset too. Would you usually tell each other where you are going and who with?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 18/09/2016 19:51

Guess it's a waiting game for you. . Awful. Would drive me nuts. Be sure to update so we can be more useful if you need it.

SheldonsSpot · 18/09/2016 19:55

Where has he said he was the previous time(s) they have met?

I'd keep quiet and see what he says on the day of their next meet up.

Original poster
anotherglassofred · 18/09/2016 21:01

Thank you everyone I will keep you updated. I have met her. She is a young glamorous career girl and most men would find her very attractive. I am an older not at all glamorous SAHM. When they worked together I got the impression he didn't like her that much and was not at all bothered when she left. So this is out of the blue and I felt compelled to read all their messages. There is no flirty texting or anything like that thankfully but they have definitely met up since she left. He works long hours some days and has a long commute afterwards so could easily have met with her without me being any the wiser so he has not actually lied as such so far but simply not told the truth. Prior to this we would always tell each other where we were going and who with.

I really feel this is undermining our relationship and if it is innocent then why wouldn't he tell me?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 18/09/2016 21:17

Does he always tell you if he is having a quick drink with someone after work or meeting someone for lunch?

Original poster
anotherglassofred · 18/09/2016 21:27

Yes Jeaux always.

OP posts:
Allalonenow · 18/09/2016 21:34

Actually he has lied, he has lied by omission, the most convenient type of lie for a liar, and especially easy to use on someone who trusts you.

MudCity · 18/09/2016 21:34

I really feel for you OP. I guess he could be helping her with a work related issue or job application or something but. all the same, if it is happening outside of work then I would hope he would tell you. Are the messages social or work-related? Is he meeting up wth her after work or during the working day? There could be a perfectly innocent explanation to this but all you can do is wait and see if he mentions it to you on the day and see if he tells the truth about his day / where he's been when he gets in.

Try not to let you mind work overtime until then. And please don't do yourself down about your looks and abilities. Your post really saddened me because you have been negative about yourself...think about all the wonderful things you can do....all the wonderful things you are....!

[Flowers] for you OP.

MissBattleaxe · 18/09/2016 21:39

I would be unhappy too in your shoes OP. Like you said, it's not the meeting but the hiding it that makes it suspicious.

See what he says when he's due to meet her. If he lies, I would confront him.

notapizzaeater · 18/09/2016 21:40

Would he tell you if he was going to the pub straight from work with male friends ? He might just not think to tell you

MrsDc7 · 18/09/2016 21:43

I'm not the same as a PP here... I wouldn't be impressed if my OH was speaking to a woman without telling me, especially an ex colleague. What are they talking about? I would hit the roof if I found out he'd met up with someone without telling me. I should add I am not a difficult or unreasonable person to be with either x

jeaux90 · 18/09/2016 21:44

That's what I asked pizza but looks like he usually does. Although if there is nothing flirtatious in the messages it still could be purely professional. I hope so X

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 18/09/2016 21:45

I'd feel the same, I have no issues with dh having and meeting female friends and having drinks with colleagues but not mentioning it screams of dishonesty. Chances are nothing has happened and he feels vaguely ashamed that he likes to be sought after by this woman - are they still in the same field? Might he be giving her career advice? Though still should've told you! When is he meant to be meeting her?

Tequilamockinbird · 18/09/2016 21:51

I agree that not mentioning it is a bit suspect.

I meet up with a male ex colleague for coffee and a chat quite regularly. Absolutely nothing going on, never has been and never will be. DH knows that we meet up, and ex colleagues' DW knows too. No issues from either.

FritzDonovan · 18/09/2016 21:59

If he has something to hide, he's not going to tell you anything and you'll just continue to wonder what he's up to. Is there any way you (or a friend) can be in the same place when they meet and see how innocent it is? Sounds awful, I know, but you'll never be sure of the truth otherwise. Flowers

Ratonastick · 18/09/2016 22:09

If I may, I'll put a personal example to demonstrate that this could be fine. I have a male ex-colleague who I see regularly. We went through a very difficult business situation together about 3-4 years ago which resulted in both of us leaving our jobs in stinky circumstances. It has been a difficult recovery from a ghastly situation and we are now both successful and back in our game. Throughout all we have stayed pals and supported each other. It is a purely professional relationship and absolutely nothing more, merely two colleagues who have survived the fires together. I value his friendship enormously and I was so proud of a recent business success and I know he is proud of me. We have a long range plan to find a way to work together again as we are a damn good team.

BUT, he is a married father of 3 with a SAHW and I am a single mum of one. I've met his wife a few times but we're not close. He and I sometimes meet for drinks/lunch/coffee as his business occasionally brings him close to mine. I doubt he tells his wife first as it tends to be a last minute / convenience thing. I'm sure he tells her he has seen me. He worships his wife, absolutely worships her, and it is one of the best things about him. I feel very safe with him as I know he is not calculating his move on me as he is too busy telling me about his wife and kids. He is smart and interesting and a terrific colleague and friend. I cannot conceive of anything happening between us, but there is a close business relationship that is probably not mentioned that often to his wife.

I hope that gives you and alternative perspective. Having said that, I would always believe your gut and if your gut is telling you something is wrong, it probably is.

IhatchedaSnorlax · 18/09/2016 22:16

Op, hope he's honest with you & there's an innocent explanation as to why they're meeting & why he hasn't told you about it previously. Don't let your mind work overtime if you've not had any doubts before (but that said, do trust your instincts).

Original poster
anotherglassofred · 18/09/2016 22:28

They didn't work together for long and are both in other jobs now so definitely not meeting up to talk about anything work related. I can't be in the same place Fritz as quite a commute and have no childcare. Don't have anyone that could spy either but wish that I had!

Thanks for your views and support it is very much appreciated.

OP posts:
HeadDreamer · 18/09/2016 22:55

If the message is not flirtatious then just assume it's work related. I meet up with ex colleagues and almost all are male because of industry. Nothing secretive going on there. It's good to have a good moan about things over coffee or lunch. I don't tend to do dinners as I have young children. But if he goes out to drinks with colleagues then it's nothing special either.

HeadDreamer · 18/09/2016 22:56

Work related doesn't have to mean real work. It's just how I separate work friends and mum friends and couple friends.

jeaux90 · 18/09/2016 23:30

I agree with rat and headreamer. I work in a male dominated industry have loads of male friends who I work with and we catch up for a quick drink/moan/chat nothing in it in the slightest but it's why I asked whether he tells you everything he does and whether it's just because it's a female ex colleague you are concerned. I truly hope it's an innocent scenario X

Mikkalina · 18/09/2016 23:36

See how he behaves with his phone after the meeting.

Blueskyrain · 18/09/2016 23:42

Maybe they're friends? Opposite sex doesn't mean affair or just talking about work.

I don't have a clue who my husband lunches with, and vice versa. If I was to meet up with a male friend for lunch or a drink, then unless it would make me late home or something I wouldn't necessarily mention it and I doubt he would either. Because it's just meeting up with friends. It might come up in conversation later and obviously I wouldn't hide it, but I don't see opposite sex friendships any different really from same sex ones, unless there is something else which makes it seem suspicious to me

Original poster
anotherglassofred · 19/09/2016 21:27

Had another quick look at the phone and all texts relating to meeting up have been deleted. Now I feel even worse!

OP posts: