Husband meeting up with female ex colleague without telling me

[anotherglassofred]

Completely by accident noticed a message on his phone about meeting up later this week. I am not the type to snoop and he has given me no reason before not to trust him in 15 years of marriage. However looking back through the messages this will not be the first time that they have met up. He has not mentioned it once.

The thing is if he had been upfront about it I would not have been too bothered at all. I now feel hurt that he has never told me as it is as if he is hiding something. He doesn't know I have found out so I will see what excuse he comes up with on the night. I want to see him look me in the eye and lie as it would be so out of character for him and I can hardly believe he could do it. I don't know whether to say anything right away or just keep an eye on the situation.

[Babs200]

It is so shit. He told me they were just really good friends, she made him happy. I was being paranoid and delusional. Just found out they've been sleeping together for two years, and yes, I've been pregnant and had his baby during this. Arsehole.

[IhatchedaSnorlax]

What a fucker Babs - as hard as it is now, take comfort if you can in the fact that you'll be better off in the long run & will get the happiness you deserve, that doesn't involve a lying cheating scumbag.

[anotherglassofred]

I have just had a look at your other thread Babs I am so sorry to hear that. You deserve so much better (flowers)

[Fairylea]

I experienced something almost identical about 2 years into my previous marriage. I confronted him and we moved on and actually eventually moved 130 miles away so he never saw her again and that was that... Until he left me 4 years later for a woman he'd dated before me he'd found on Facebook. Not the same woman - that was just someone he'd worked with once. He upped and left in a two week period. Haven't seen or heard from him again since (nor has dd who was 7 at the time). He told me he was staying with his mum in our hometown (visiting her was normal, I used to work weekends so he'd go alone) and while he was there he was meeting up with his ex.

[Babs200]

That is awful Fairylea, I'm so sorry for what you have gone through. How did you get through it? I just can't get my head around why they do it. It's like a spilt personality. Sending lots of hugs, I hope you're much happier now.

Thanks anotherglassofred, I only found out 3 weeks ago so it's all very raw. I'm not saying that this is going to happen with your situation at all, so please don't think that. I haven't taken the time to read through your entire thread, but it might be worth counselling, asking you oh why he did what he did. The miscarriage and subsequent pregnancy and my depression were major factors in why he did what he did (Im in no way finding excuses for him, but this is what he felt). Just trust your instinct, I knew something wasn't right and the fact he made me feel I was being possessive and paranoid made me feel like I was losing my mind.

Talk to each other and find what he needs from his friend and why. Just don't find yourself in my situation, the past few years have been horrible. Xx

[Fairylea]

Thank you babs. To be honest I went into a breakdown for about 6 months, lost my job and had to move and couldn't cope. And then slowly with time it just sort of lifted and I was able to move on. I am now remarried to a wonderful man and now have a 4 year old son with him as well as teenage dd who he treats as his own. There is life after the twatbags! But yes at the time I thought my life was over.

[Babs200]

That's brilliant you're so much happier now

I'm trying really hard to keep it together, I've had a breakdown of sorts over the past two years and I need to move on. I feel so relieved to know the truth because I was completely right. I'm struggling to let him go because I thought he was the one and we had an amazing relationship.

It's so good to see how much you've moved on. Not everyone is an arsehole! Although how I'll trust again, I don't know.

[anotherglassofred]

I am sorry to hear about your situation too Fairylea. It is so good to know that you have moved on and are happy.

We actually had a worse row last night than when I accused him. Probably my fault as I got upset that he had not asked how I was feeling and that it was easy for him to sweep it under the carpet but I can't do that. He has lied and I just can't forgive or forget straight away. He said if he had told me then I would not have been happy that he was meeting an attractive woman. I have never heard him refer to me as attractive or in fact make any compliments whatsoever in the last few years. So that just upset me even more. I cried, he just got angry and asked what was he supposed to do? I honestly don't know.

[Dozer]

He's lied, over a long period of time, admits he finds OW attractive and never compliments you. And gets angry when you confront him about the lies. Doesn't sound like a good partner at all.

[Dozer]

Given his working hours etc and lies you also have no idea whether this (potential) OW was the first, or what else he's lied about.

[Buzzardbird]

I can't help thinking that the fact that you got the impression that he didn't really like her very much when he worked with her was a bit of a 'tell'.

[Dozer]

Yes, that's a known ploy!

[MoreGilmoreGirls]

So what was his reason for meeting her? Is he claiming they are "friends" is he going to meet her again? Bit unsure what he's up to OP but I would not like it if it was my DH at all

[Mamia15]

So instead of showing remorse, he adds insult to injury with the "attractive woman" comment

He is being far too defensive - which suggests that he has done something wrong.

If he was really sorry then he would be doing everything he can to earn your trust, reassuring you, being transparent as well as investing time and energy into his marriage.

Either he's on the brink of an affair, has cheated or is already cheating.

Don't forget that its so easy to take half days off work and pretend to you that he has been at work all day.

He will probably get a second phone or be more careful about covering his tracks. Watch his behaviour instead - is he distant or involved and invested in family life/you etc? Is he picking petty arguments with you? More secretive?

[Mamia15]

Also if he didn't really like her that much, why on earth is he risking everything to meet up for a drink

[4seasons]

Easy to say and hard to do but keep the tears for when you are alone. Keep the anger. You are entitled to feel as you do because he has lied by omission , being meeting an attractive young woman behind your back and is now trying to make you feel guilty for being upset. He is the one in the wrong here and needs to be told just that until he " gets " it. When he says you would have been upset if he'd told you just reply .."why?" He needs to answer this question. Keep pushing the issue back to him ..... he's done this , he has to answer for it. You are the innocent party. I wouldn't go looking for further trouble ( other women , other possible lies etc.) . That way lies madness and allows him to suggest you are paranoid/ jealous / mad etc. All part of the " script ".
If he's truly sorry ( and innocent ) then he needs to answer ALL your questions and HE has to make it right. He also has to face the possibility that he might lose you , with all that it entails. Young , glamorous, career minded women probably don't like stepping into the housekeeper / childminder mode .... you might like to remind him of that.
You sound as though you are lacking in confidence about the way you look , calling yourself unglamorous and so on. This might be the time to start spending some of the money his long hours produce on yourself. I assume you have children ? Pamper yourself a bit , you deserve it after the horrible time he's put you through. It also leaves him to ponder on how he'd cope without you. Don't do it for him , do it for you. At the moment he's acting like a prize shit because he's been found out. Don't give him the prize of your tears .... give him hot anger and absence.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

I can't help thinking that the fact that you got the impression that he didn't really like her very much when he worked with her was a bit of a 'tell'.

If he was really sorry then he would be doing everything he can to earn your trust, reassuring you, being transparent as well as investing time and energy into his marriage.

^ This.

I'm sorry but the more you write the more your dh sounds like mine. OW works at same company as DH. From what I know, he didn't work in a team with her in his first position, then they were on the same group, then different groups, etc. In his first position, I only ever heard her name once, when he complained about how terrible she was to work with (another colleague of his made the same complaint). And then i never heard her name again until about 4 years later, when i found out he'd been talking to her over at least a year.

There was zero reason for him to hide it from me if it was innocent - i've met many of his other single/married female colleagues, been out with them, been to their house, had them to our house etc etc.

I am sorry that he is continuing to hurt you, but unless you continue to stand up to him and be clear you're not less hurt just because he doesn't see why you should be, this will just continue. You can look up information on emotional affairs - they are just as damaging as sexual affairs.

I think at this point if he is refusing to see things from your viewpoint, you should find a good counsellor and take him. The counsellor may be able to re-state what you are feeling to him in a way that he can better understand if you don't think you're getting anywhere yourself.

[Whoooodat]

Sorry but I think the best you can hope for in this situation is that she does not find him as attractive as he obviously finds her.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

also will note that he once said that he found OW interesting because she was ambitious/career climbing etc (substitute attractive for ambitious in your case) and that he used to think I was that way, but that i'm not anymore... ummm... maybe because i put my education/career on hold for his?!?!

[anotherglassofred]

I think OW is attractive and ambitious Expat. I can't compete as I am a SAHM. A decision we made together for the DCs benefit and for which I have no regrets at all. I also do a lot of the 'man' jobs in the house and garden due to his hours and lack of interest and also because if I keep asking him to do anything then he sees me as a nag. So although I am always careful to make myself look presentable I don't have the time, money or energy to glam myself up every day like a young career girl. Which I used to be but have now put on hold for him. I always make a lot of effort when I go out though I am hardly letting myself go!

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

glassofred - that's the point.

He's so unaware that he's making you feel even worse, when it's your joint so by definition HIS choice as a family for you to be a SAHM. So it's not like you just upped and told him one day you weren't going back to work and then just lazed around the house or something. I mean does he expect you to doll yourself up during the day when in all likelihood (can't remember DC ages) one of the DC will throw up on you or spill food on you, or whatever?

Can you say/have you said something like this to him?

You seriously sound just like me, only I didn't cotton on, and his thing progressed from supposedly just chatting on the phone, to chatting in office when he went to her location for work, to meeting for after work dinners when he/she was in town, to going off on one or two day extensions from overseas business meetings, to finally a 2 week overseas vacation around a 2 day business meeting they were both on. exact same excuses, exact same BS. That's where it sounds like this was leading.

Also let's be clear here. It is NOT your fault in any way. It is his. I started off feeling like I'd done something wrong in our marriageto cause it and even had a couple counsellors hint at/say this. I felt that way until I read some other books by well known authors (think John Gottman etc), that unequivocally stated it is the person who betrayed who is in the wrong.

Noone's marriage is perfect. He made the choice to meet this woman, made the choice to not tell you, he made the choice to continue seeing her and not tell you, and at any time HE could have stopped it by just saying no, i shouldn't do this. It's got nothing to do with how you look or what you do for work, it's about him making the wrong decision and now try and backtrack and tell you that it shouldn't matter that much to you.

Has he given you an explanation for deleting the messages all of a sudden?

[anotherglassofred]

He admitted that he deleted the messages so that there was no chance of me finding out he was meeting her because it was just easier not to tell me expecting an overreaction etc. He admitted that he made the wrong decision not to tell me and it is almost like 'so never mind not important'.

I was fully expecting flowers, hugs and reassurance when he got home last night. Instead he just turned a blind eye to the hurt I am feeling like it is not happening. I told him the trust has been broken and will take some time to rebuild. He looked at me like I was some crazy woman!

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

First of all take comfort in the fact that you are not overreacting.

I mean how can he not get it in his thick head (sorry) that he was making arrangements to see an "attractive" (by his words) woman behind your back? What does he think affairs are made of?!?! And again, does he think he'd just be okay with it if you'd been doing the same with an OM?

Although things aren't going well in my own life, dh has at least admitted it for what it was.

I really think counselling might be a good idea for you/both.

And if he refuses to take this seriously, then I'm really sorry but I think you have your answer as to how much importance he places on your trust.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Also if you feel comfortable you can show him this thread where basically everyone has said he is or is showing signs of being a cheater!

[Blueskyrain]

I feel so mixed here. That sort of meeting I wouldn't personally expect to be told about, and I wouldn't necessarily mention it to my husband either because I wouldn't think of telling him my plans to see friends unless it interfered with our time together.

But, crucially, he said he wouldn't be happy if it was the other way round, so clearly if he would expect you to tell him, then in the dynamics of your relationship, he should be telling you. The deleting of texts makes me feel uncomfortable too.
Ultimately how much of a breach of trust it is depends on his true motives, which you can't possibly know. It could be an affair or possible affair, they could really just be friends and the breach of trust is covering that friendship in a way that he would himself find unacceptable.both are breaches of trust, but one much more than another.