Husband meeting up with female ex colleague without telling me

[anotherglassofred]

Completely by accident noticed a message on his phone about meeting up later this week. I am not the type to snoop and he has given me no reason before not to trust him in 15 years of marriage. However looking back through the messages this will not be the first time that they have met up. He has not mentioned it once.

The thing is if he had been upfront about it I would not have been too bothered at all. I now feel hurt that he has never told me as it is as if he is hiding something. He doesn't know I have found out so I will see what excuse he comes up with on the night. I want to see him look me in the eye and lie as it would be so out of character for him and I can hardly believe he could do it. I don't know whether to say anything right away or just keep an eye on the situation.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

bluesky genuinely curious, so does that mean you never tell your dh about meeting up with friends after work even if he thinks you're at work?

My reading of the situation is that ops dh has never even mentioned this woman in recent times and that op previously thought he working late rather than getting off work to meet the woman for drinks or whatever. So how could she even know he might be meeting someone? (OP please correct me if I got the wrong impression).

Also, do you have friends who you see that you've never mentioned to your dh?

the fact that he sees it as harmless is totally irrelevant - the salient point is that OP feels betrayed. If he wants to ignore her feeling of betrayal, what does that say about his feelings toward her/their marriage in general?

[SheldonsSpot]

I think most people would have mentioned it to their partners during a "how was your day" talk.

I don't mean giving their partners a full breakdown of the minutiae of their day if it's something they do regularly every day, but most people would certainly mention it if it was something out of the ordinary.

[Blueskyrain]

Expat, my working pattern is all over the place, so I'll let him know if I'm going to be particularly late, and obvs it might come up in conversation later in a 'how was your day' chat, but that's after the event, not before.

I'm staying away tonight, ill mention later when we chat that I'm meeting up with a good friend (female for the record) for drinks later, but not in advance.

I have no idea who my husband lunches with, for example, and that's fine by me. He doesn't know who I lunch with (ha, I rarely get time for lunch but that's another matter).

I've met up with guy friends for a nice dinner for 2 before now, without mentioning it to him first (though it prob came up after).

The deleting messages and deliberately covering things is wrong IMO, but I see nothing wrong with good friendships w with the opposite sex, and don't feel I need to 'clear' then in advance. I'm not going to play around, neither is he, so who cares.

[hownottofuckup]

Has he said why they were meeting? I'm not suggesting men and women can't be friends etc but you said they weren't friendly when they worked together and wouldn't have work in common now so how have these subsequent meetings come about? Do they have mutual interests?

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

bluesky - I also see nothing with good friendships with opposite sex, i have plenty (or used to before I moved out of country).

You are right - it's the secrecy that is the problem more than anything. I don't think it's the clearing in advance that people are talking about, i feel like OP would have been fine if he had mentioned them even if after the fact? Especially after the first time. I know I would have been okay with that. To me this isn't the same as "i ran into X at the station and stayed a bit to have a drink" and then mentioning after. It sounded like more deliberate scheduling of meetings that OP had no clue about whatsoever.

Now that it has come out, the question isn't whether or not she has the right to feel betrayed by this or whether it's allowable for him to set up secret meetings with female 'just friends', it's that she has declared her feeling of hurt and betrayal and the trust being broken, and he is basically uncaring.

[Blueskyrain]

I'm confused, the meeting didn't go ahead, so we can't know if he would have mentioned it later or not (though deleting the texts suggests not...)

As to it being scheduled, then I guess it would depend on why he didn't tell her. If find it odd personally if it wasn't mentioned if booked, but it depends why. I wouldn't feel obliged to mention it but I think part of being together is just chattinf about life etc.

I think its a major warning sign to want to hide things from your partner, or feel the need to check up on your partner. I don't blame the OP for being concerned, all I'm saying is there could be an innocent explanation.

It's the dishonesty in deleting the messages that really concerns me. It just shatters trust :-(

[Mamia15]

Agree that there is nothing wrong with being friends with people of the opposite sex.

However, he said that he didn't like her that much when she worked at his firm. Why would they become friends now after all this time?

Also the fact that he does not give a shit about the hurt he has caused her says a lot about him and his priorities.

lack of interest and also because if I keep asking him to do anything then he sees me as a nag

^^ this is also very telling - he sounds selfish and that he's already checked out of the marriage. How long has he been that distant? With affairs, its usually the one who has invested the least in the marriage who is cheating.

[SheldonsSpot]

This meeting that the OP found out about didn't go ahead but it states in the OP...
this will not be the first time that they have met up. He has not mentioned it once.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

bluesky - he deleted messages referring to the (in my impression) more than one previous secret meetings that had already occurred. The latest text was the arrangements for this weeks meeting that supposedly got cancelled.

[ThreeSheetsToTheWind]

Oh dear :(

You can carry on with the lack of trust, the rows, the worry or you can pack his bags now.

Good luck OP... sincerely, I wish you well. You are on a downward path and I hope you realise before you hit rock bottom. If he was innocent he would never have done it in the first place, he would never have hidden it in the second place, he would be jumping through hoops to prove his honesty in the third place. He wouldn't be making your feel bad about yourself. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[Lilacpink40]

My STBXH paused after saying his female colleague's name in a list of people going to a pub, when they were secretly going out, it distracted him. There were many little things, like that, that I ignored.

If you feel that something is wrong, it is. It may not be an affair, he may just be amusing himself by having secrets, but why do that?

[anotherglassofred]

Update after a couple of weeks and several rows later. He is making an effort but not exactly jumping through hoops to make it up to me. I honestly believe that he didn't have an affair but can't get my head around the intent on several occasions to meet up with this woman behind my back. However innocent it may be I have been lied to and am struggling to move on.

[1potato2potato3potato4]

Has he offered any explanation as to why? Don't feel pressured to 'get over it' for starters you don't seem entirely sure what exactly it is your supposed to be 'get ring over' and secondly, it's still a very recent revelation!

[IhatchedaSnorlax]

Oh Op, that's shit. FWIW, I'm sure I'd feel the same, but don't have any advice unfortunately. Hope you can get past this.

[hellsbellsmelons]

This will take time.
He's massively broken your trust.
But he should be jumping through hoops here.
If you don't want this to be over could you try couples counselling?
He needs to step up though.

[ElsieMc]

I was friendly with a male ex colleague. But if I visited, my dh came with me most times, he looked after our dog and again my dh came with me. I would also go and see his wife, sometimes my dds came along. This is a friendship with a male colleague op not omitting to mention to you a meeting with a younger, attractive female. It should be respectful of both families and this is not.

I think you know there is a bigger issue here op and you must start looking after yourself here. His lack of concern for you and your feelings is a red flag.