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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband meeting up with female ex colleague without telling me

118 replies

anotherglassofred · 18/09/2016 17:20

Completely by accident noticed a message on his phone about meeting up later this week. I am not the type to snoop and he has given me no reason before not to trust him in 15 years of marriage. However looking back through the messages this will not be the first time that they have met up. He has not mentioned it once.

The thing is if he had been upfront about it I would not have been too bothered at all. I now feel hurt that he has never told me as it is as if he is hiding something. He doesn't know I have found out so I will see what excuse he comes up with on the night. I want to see him look me in the eye and lie as it would be so out of character for him and I can hardly believe he could do it. I don't know whether to say anything right away or just keep an eye on the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
anotherglassofred · 20/09/2016 21:39

Update. He was home normal time. She had cancelled. Confrontation was very much as expected 'I didn't tell you to avoid you overreacting '. He swears nothing is going on and said that I wouldn't have been happy if he had told me he was out with this woman friend. I said I may draw the line at wining and dining but a quick drink is quite acceptable. Lying by omission or otherwise is not. I had a hard time convincing him his actions were more than suspicious and asked what would he have thought if it had been me. He admitted he had messed up.

So for now I am giving him the benefit of the doubt but may have to be a sneaky phone checker for a while until I feel I can trust him again. He brought this on himself so too bad if he catches me.

You have all been a fantastic support so thank you.

OP posts:
PastoralCare · 21/09/2016 00:46

and there goes your relationship.

You don't trust him that's true, but now he doesn't trust you anymore either.

Whoooodat · 21/09/2016 06:56

Oh just like a pp, she had cancelled. I wonder if these men are pushing for meeting up and the women don't actually really want to when it comes down to it. (Been there myself with a married colleague who kept wanting to meet up as we were such 'great friends' but I was never comfortable with it.)

4seasons · 21/09/2016 07:47

Forget the " no trust , no relationship " comments. You are wiser now and won't ever blindly trust 100% again. You have discovered he is human and not Mr Perfect. No bad thing in my opinion . I would trust no one 100% percent ..... men or women. Perfectly possible to have a good relationship under these circumstances .

Happybunny19 · 21/09/2016 09:53

Please ignore the unnecessary comment from PastoralCare (overly cruel IMO), I think you have to give him the benefit of doubt the and carry on as normal. Hopefully he'll think carefully in future about any other plans and let you know what he's doing. Well done tackling the issue straight on though, I know some on here advise to keep quiet and gather evidence but you've got everything out in the open quickly and with luck that's the end of the story. Having said that I would keep a check on messages every now and again just to be sure.

Noctilucent · 21/09/2016 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IhatchedaSnorlax · 21/09/2016 13:21

Agree with lucent - hope you're ok.

adora1 · 21/09/2016 13:33

If all innocent why did he delete all the messages, that is worse than the actual meet up. You are quite right to have reservations now over trusting him, it's up to him to repair that, not you.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/09/2016 13:34

Hopefully you've now nipped this in the bud.
Well done on challenging him on it.
Work on your relationship now to become stronger together.

Allalonenow · 21/09/2016 14:48

Hopefully that will be the end of that.
Did he seem sorry, contrite, promise it would never happen again, or did he try to twist it to make it your fault?

Like a pp, it's the fact that he deleted the messages and then she conveniently cancelled. Hmm

Let's hope that this hasn't given him a lesson in being much cleverer about covering his tracks when cheating.

I do so hope all goes well for you anotherglassofred you sound lovely, and being cheated on is horrible.

RestlessTraveller · 21/09/2016 15:34

I really think you are making a mistake in trying to make this work. There are two scenarios here, either he was up to no good or it was innocent.

If it was an innocent drink and he didn't tell you because you would overreact, then have far deeper problems than you know. Also he now knows that you snooped on his phone and instead of tackling it head-on set a trap for him in waiting, if that was me I'd be leaving anyway.

Or it really is an potential affair. Then you leave anyway.

Either way there is no trust left.

MissBattleaxe · 21/09/2016 15:49

Adora1 speaks sense.

Steady on Restless! I don't think this is the end of a relationship.

However, I do really hate it when men blame their secretiveness on women "overreacting." "Oh I kept my secret one-to-one drinks a secret because I knew you'd get all jealous. Therefore I am the victim, not you."

hellsbellsmelons · 21/09/2016 15:54

I really think you are making a mistake in trying to make this work
So after 15 years and this one incident she just gives up?
Wow!

4seasons · 21/09/2016 16:04

Totally agree with Battleaxe. So he thought you would " overreact "? Really ? What exactly does that mean ? To me it implies that he knew it " looked bad " so he hid the details . And if he felt it looked bad why was he prepared to do it ? Nothing the OP has said makes her sound like a " bunny boiler " so the secrecy was for another reason. Not implying an affair by the way ..... just that he knew it looked iffy , knew why it looked iffy and chose to hide it to avoid any possible comeback that might affect his pleasant domestic set up.
I would simply get on with life as a couple and " forget " this incident but make it very clear that you are not prepared to put up with deceit . Of course , you won't really forget but you are now older and certainly wiser to the ways of men . I also see nothing wrong in the odd check of phones etc. This is called self preservation. If he complains that you don't trust him .... well, ask how well he has shown himself to be trustworthy. Don't let him throw it back at you.

SandyY2K · 21/09/2016 16:27

The only thing now is that messages will be deleted immediately, if he's smart. He knows you check so he won't slip up and be caught again.

Original poster
anotherglassofred · 21/09/2016 18:15

I don't really know what he thought my over reaction would have been. That could be a discussion for tonight. For now I have to give him another chance. It is not worth throwing away an otherwise good marriage because of his stupidity. He did seem genuinely sorry yesterday and my instinct is that there is nothing going on. But I have made it quite clear I will not be taken for a mug so he has to be open and honest in the future about meeting up with her just as he would any of his other friends.

I will still hurt for some time and it will take a while to get over the shock of him lying so he had better come up with a way of repairing the damage.

OP posts:
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 21/09/2016 18:30

Dear OP - I'm not clear on if you already thought of this, but he is shifting blame for not telling you onto you by saying he didn't tell you because YOU would have overreacted. Please don't accept that. He won't see what he did as wrong if you let that stand, and if he doesn't see it as having been something he did wrong, then you will have a hard time of recovering from the damage.

Also logically speaking, if all was innocent, then there would have been nothing to worry about telling you from the get go?

I say this from personal experience. In my case, DH travelled with OW to Paris of all places (supposedly first time they met without my knowledge), where I was scheduled to meet with him day after with our ds. When I finally found out about everything, he then told me it was my fault i didn't meet her in Paris as the day after i arrived with ds, i didn't want to travel into paris with him (out in suburbs staying with friends), and if i had, that's when he would have introduced us. (never mind, he hadn't even told me he was travelling with her in the first place or had spent the day prior to our arrival going about paris together, or that he never even suggested meeting OW as a reason to go into paris). Beliecve me i did not accept that lame excuse!

Also, how would your DH have felt if you met up with another man and kept it secret from him? Is it one standard for you and another for him?

Best of luck sorting it out.

Original poster
anotherglassofred · 21/09/2016 19:18

I am so sorry you had to experience that Expat. Men seem to think they can get away with anything. Are you still with him?

In answer to your question yes he did try to shift the blame on to me but believe me I was having none of it and he knows exactly where he stands. He admitted fault eventually and when asked did say that he would not have been at all happy if it had been me secretly meeting up with another man. I hope we can sort it out because I will never forgive him if he does it again and then he will risk losing me and the kids.

OP posts:
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 21/09/2016 19:45

Technically, yes - we are what i call in my head co-habiting (due to the life circumstances i mentioned previously) but it's not looking good in the long run.

Partly because, unlike yours, my DH continued to spout the "it's your fault you didn't meet OW" for many many months following and to this day I'm not sure if he's apologized for that/taken it back. that's a whole other story.

Also, btw, i disagree with some other posters here - if you feel you need to have open access to all his phones/computers etc, you should get it. Many counsellors/books regarding recovering from a betrayal (and this is a kind of one) will agree with this. And if he is serious about being sorry, he should give it to you. (I do more or less have all my DHs passwords etc).

HolyshitIfuckedupbigtime · 21/09/2016 20:05

If it looks and smells like a rat, it probably is one.

I think a lot if men push boundaries just depends how far you mind.

Allalonenow · 21/09/2016 21:54

You seem to have your feet firmly on the ground another, so wishing you all the best for the future. Thanks

As an aside, I don't think checking his phone would show you much, he will now delete messages or change her name to John or Mike or simply get another phone and keep it secret.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2016 22:04

"Men seem to think they can get away with anything"

Well, this one just did Sad

Sallystyle · 21/09/2016 22:28

Why did he delete the messages?

I can't imagine there is an innocent explanation at all.

Perhaps he had second thoughts in the end, perhaps she bailed out on him, but he deleted those messages for a reason, and it doesn't look good.

I see you want to believe him but I think he is pulling the wool over your eyes. Be careful Thanks

Babs200 · 21/09/2016 22:59

I've experienced something very similar, I've just posted a thread looking for advice as I've just discovered my husband has been having an affair. I'm not saying this is what is happening with your situation at all, but trust your gut instinct. If you feel something isn't right then it probably isn't.

IhatchedaSnorlax · 21/09/2016 23:05

Babs, not seen your thread but sorry to hear that - it's shit.

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