Husband meeting up with female ex colleague without telling me

[anotherglassofred]

Completely by accident noticed a message on his phone about meeting up later this week. I am not the type to snoop and he has given me no reason before not to trust him in 15 years of marriage. However looking back through the messages this will not be the first time that they have met up. He has not mentioned it once.

The thing is if he had been upfront about it I would not have been too bothered at all. I now feel hurt that he has never told me as it is as if he is hiding something. He doesn't know I have found out so I will see what excuse he comes up with on the night. I want to see him look me in the eye and lie as it would be so out of character for him and I can hardly believe he could do it. I don't know whether to say anything right away or just keep an eye on the situation.

[ElsieMc]

I was friendly with a male ex colleague. But if I visited, my dh came with me most times, he looked after our dog and again my dh came with me. I would also go and see his wife, sometimes my dds came along. This is a friendship with a male colleague op not omitting to mention to you a meeting with a younger, attractive female. It should be respectful of both families and this is not.

I think you know there is a bigger issue here op and you must start looking after yourself here. His lack of concern for you and your feelings is a red flag.

[hellsbellsmelons]

This will take time.
He's massively broken your trust.
But he should be jumping through hoops here.
If you don't want this to be over could you try couples counselling?
He needs to step up though.

[IhatchedaSnorlax]

Oh Op, that's shit. FWIW, I'm sure I'd feel the same, but don't have any advice unfortunately. Hope you can get past this.

[1potato2potato3potato4]

Has he offered any explanation as to why? Don't feel pressured to 'get over it' for starters you don't seem entirely sure what exactly it is your supposed to be 'get ring over' and secondly, it's still a very recent revelation!

[anotherglassofred]

Update after a couple of weeks and several rows later. He is making an effort but not exactly jumping through hoops to make it up to me. I honestly believe that he didn't have an affair but can't get my head around the intent on several occasions to meet up with this woman behind my back. However innocent it may be I have been lied to and am struggling to move on.

[Lilacpink40]

My STBXH paused after saying his female colleague's name in a list of people going to a pub, when they were secretly going out, it distracted him. There were many little things, like that, that I ignored.

If you feel that something is wrong, it is. It may not be an affair, he may just be amusing himself by having secrets, but why do that?

[ThreeSheetsToTheWind]

Oh dear :(

You can carry on with the lack of trust, the rows, the worry or you can pack his bags now.

Good luck OP... sincerely, I wish you well. You are on a downward path and I hope you realise before you hit rock bottom. If he was innocent he would never have done it in the first place, he would never have hidden it in the second place, he would be jumping through hoops to prove his honesty in the third place. He wouldn't be making your feel bad about yourself. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

bluesky - he deleted messages referring to the (in my impression) more than one previous secret meetings that had already occurred. The latest text was the arrangements for this weeks meeting that supposedly got cancelled.

[SheldonsSpot]

This meeting that the OP found out about didn't go ahead but it states in the OP...
this will not be the first time that they have met up. He has not mentioned it once.

[Mamia15]

Agree that there is nothing wrong with being friends with people of the opposite sex.

However, he said that he didn't like her that much when she worked at his firm. Why would they become friends now after all this time?

Also the fact that he does not give a shit about the hurt he has caused her says a lot about him and his priorities.

lack of interest and also because if I keep asking him to do anything then he sees me as a nag

^^ this is also very telling - he sounds selfish and that he's already checked out of the marriage. How long has he been that distant? With affairs, its usually the one who has invested the least in the marriage who is cheating.

[Blueskyrain]

I'm confused, the meeting didn't go ahead, so we can't know if he would have mentioned it later or not (though deleting the texts suggests not...)

As to it being scheduled, then I guess it would depend on why he didn't tell her. If find it odd personally if it wasn't mentioned if booked, but it depends why. I wouldn't feel obliged to mention it but I think part of being together is just chattinf about life etc.

I think its a major warning sign to want to hide things from your partner, or feel the need to check up on your partner. I don't blame the OP for being concerned, all I'm saying is there could be an innocent explanation.

It's the dishonesty in deleting the messages that really concerns me. It just shatters trust :-(

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

bluesky - I also see nothing with good friendships with opposite sex, i have plenty (or used to before I moved out of country).

You are right - it's the secrecy that is the problem more than anything. I don't think it's the clearing in advance that people are talking about, i feel like OP would have been fine if he had mentioned them even if after the fact? Especially after the first time. I know I would have been okay with that. To me this isn't the same as "i ran into X at the station and stayed a bit to have a drink" and then mentioning after. It sounded like more deliberate scheduling of meetings that OP had no clue about whatsoever.

Now that it has come out, the question isn't whether or not she has the right to feel betrayed by this or whether it's allowable for him to set up secret meetings with female 'just friends', it's that she has declared her feeling of hurt and betrayal and the trust being broken, and he is basically uncaring.

[hownottofuckup]

Has he said why they were meeting? I'm not suggesting men and women can't be friends etc but you said they weren't friendly when they worked together and wouldn't have work in common now so how have these subsequent meetings come about? Do they have mutual interests?

[Blueskyrain]

Expat, my working pattern is all over the place, so I'll let him know if I'm going to be particularly late, and obvs it might come up in conversation later in a 'how was your day' chat, but that's after the event, not before.

I'm staying away tonight, ill mention later when we chat that I'm meeting up with a good friend (female for the record) for drinks later, but not in advance.

I have no idea who my husband lunches with, for example, and that's fine by me. He doesn't know who I lunch with (ha, I rarely get time for lunch but that's another matter).

I've met up with guy friends for a nice dinner for 2 before now, without mentioning it to him first (though it prob came up after).

The deleting messages and deliberately covering things is wrong IMO, but I see nothing wrong with good friendships w with the opposite sex, and don't feel I need to 'clear' then in advance. I'm not going to play around, neither is he, so who cares.

[SheldonsSpot]

I think most people would have mentioned it to their partners during a "how was your day" talk.

I don't mean giving their partners a full breakdown of the minutiae of their day if it's something they do regularly every day, but most people would certainly mention it if it was something out of the ordinary.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

bluesky genuinely curious, so does that mean you never tell your dh about meeting up with friends after work even if he thinks you're at work?

My reading of the situation is that ops dh has never even mentioned this woman in recent times and that op previously thought he working late rather than getting off work to meet the woman for drinks or whatever. So how could she even know he might be meeting someone? (OP please correct me if I got the wrong impression).

Also, do you have friends who you see that you've never mentioned to your dh?

the fact that he sees it as harmless is totally irrelevant - the salient point is that OP feels betrayed. If he wants to ignore her feeling of betrayal, what does that say about his feelings toward her/their marriage in general?

[Blueskyrain]

I feel so mixed here. That sort of meeting I wouldn't personally expect to be told about, and I wouldn't necessarily mention it to my husband either because I wouldn't think of telling him my plans to see friends unless it interfered with our time together.

But, crucially, he said he wouldn't be happy if it was the other way round, so clearly if he would expect you to tell him, then in the dynamics of your relationship, he should be telling you. The deleting of texts makes me feel uncomfortable too.
Ultimately how much of a breach of trust it is depends on his true motives, which you can't possibly know. It could be an affair or possible affair, they could really just be friends and the breach of trust is covering that friendship in a way that he would himself find unacceptable.both are breaches of trust, but one much more than another.

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Also if you feel comfortable you can show him this thread where basically everyone has said he is or is showing signs of being a cheater!

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

First of all take comfort in the fact that you are not overreacting.

I mean how can he not get it in his thick head (sorry) that he was making arrangements to see an "attractive" (by his words) woman behind your back? What does he think affairs are made of?!?! And again, does he think he'd just be okay with it if you'd been doing the same with an OM?

Although things aren't going well in my own life, dh has at least admitted it for what it was.

I really think counselling might be a good idea for you/both.

And if he refuses to take this seriously, then I'm really sorry but I think you have your answer as to how much importance he places on your trust.

[anotherglassofred]

He admitted that he deleted the messages so that there was no chance of me finding out he was meeting her because it was just easier not to tell me expecting an overreaction etc. He admitted that he made the wrong decision not to tell me and it is almost like 'so never mind not important'.

I was fully expecting flowers, hugs and reassurance when he got home last night. Instead he just turned a blind eye to the hurt I am feeling like it is not happening. I told him the trust has been broken and will take some time to rebuild. He looked at me like I was some crazy woman!

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

glassofred - that's the point.

He's so unaware that he's making you feel even worse, when it's your joint so by definition HIS choice as a family for you to be a SAHM. So it's not like you just upped and told him one day you weren't going back to work and then just lazed around the house or something. I mean does he expect you to doll yourself up during the day when in all likelihood (can't remember DC ages) one of the DC will throw up on you or spill food on you, or whatever?

Can you say/have you said something like this to him?

You seriously sound just like me, only I didn't cotton on, and his thing progressed from supposedly just chatting on the phone, to chatting in office when he went to her location for work, to meeting for after work dinners when he/she was in town, to going off on one or two day extensions from overseas business meetings, to finally a 2 week overseas vacation around a 2 day business meeting they were both on. exact same excuses, exact same BS. That's where it sounds like this was leading.

Also let's be clear here. It is NOT your fault in any way. It is his. I started off feeling like I'd done something wrong in our marriageto cause it and even had a couple counsellors hint at/say this. I felt that way until I read some other books by well known authors (think John Gottman etc), that unequivocally stated it is the person who betrayed who is in the wrong.

Noone's marriage is perfect. He made the choice to meet this woman, made the choice to not tell you, he made the choice to continue seeing her and not tell you, and at any time HE could have stopped it by just saying no, i shouldn't do this. It's got nothing to do with how you look or what you do for work, it's about him making the wrong decision and now try and backtrack and tell you that it shouldn't matter that much to you.

Has he given you an explanation for deleting the messages all of a sudden?

[anotherglassofred]

I think OW is attractive and ambitious Expat. I can't compete as I am a SAHM. A decision we made together for the DCs benefit and for which I have no regrets at all. I also do a lot of the 'man' jobs in the house and garden due to his hours and lack of interest and also because if I keep asking him to do anything then he sees me as a nag. So although I am always careful to make myself look presentable I don't have the time, money or energy to glam myself up every day like a young career girl. Which I used to be but have now put on hold for him. I always make a lot of effort when I go out though I am hardly letting myself go!

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

also will note that he once said that he found OW interesting because she was ambitious/career climbing etc (substitute attractive for ambitious in your case) and that he used to think I was that way, but that i'm not anymore... ummm... maybe because i put my education/career on hold for his?!?!