Husband meeting up with female ex colleague without telling me

[anotherglassofred]

Completely by accident noticed a message on his phone about meeting up later this week. I am not the type to snoop and he has given me no reason before not to trust him in 15 years of marriage. However looking back through the messages this will not be the first time that they have met up. He has not mentioned it once.

The thing is if he had been upfront about it I would not have been too bothered at all. I now feel hurt that he has never told me as it is as if he is hiding something. He doesn't know I have found out so I will see what excuse he comes up with on the night. I want to see him look me in the eye and lie as it would be so out of character for him and I can hardly believe he could do it. I don't know whether to say anything right away or just keep an eye on the situation.

[Hateloggingin]

Not sounding good :(

[IhatchedaSnorlax]

That's not good. Did you screen shot any of them at all? Be prepared for him to deny them if he is up to something. When were they meant to be meeting?

[user1471459653]

I'd be extremely concerned and suspicious.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

[anotherglassofred]

I did screen shot them and I am so glad I did. I hardly slept last night and feel really sick this morning. I have decided I am going to confront him tonight as can't go on like this. I am very quiet with him and ratty with the kids which they don't deserve. He asked me last night if I was OK but I couldn't even look him in the eye.

[IhatchedaSnorlax]

That's good you've got screen shots so that he can't deny the texts.

Try not to get ahead of yourself though & stay calm. If you go in accusing rather than asking open calm questions, he could get defensive (even if nothing is going on) as he feels he's being attacked.

Good luck. Hope it's all easily explained.

[hellsbellsmelons]

When are they supposed to be meeting?
I would try to wait and see if he lied to my face.
But it's doing you no good waiting so do what is best for you right now.
I hope it's innocent.
It could be she's coming to him with a job offer something?

[4seasons]

However hard it is I would not confront him yet. Waiting until the meeting has taken place then asking questions or seeing if he tells you about it would provide you with much more information ( good or bad ). If he is having an EA or a PA with this woman he will more than likely lie about it anyway . I really feel for you , I can imagine the toll this is taking on you and hope that there is an innocent explanation ... although from what you have said I doubt it. Some men , even the so called good ones , are well practised in compartmentalising their lives . He probably doesn't even think this has anything to do with his marriage or love for you. Sad but true of so many of these entitled men.

[Minniemagoo]

If you do confront him, focus on the deceit not on the meetup. Otherwise I guarantee one of the first things out of his mouth will be 'this is why I didn't say anything because I knew you would over react over something innocent'.
Stick to the matter of him hiding it and the deleted messages.

[GingerbreadCake]

I think you have to confront him or it will eat away at you. His reaction will tell you a lot. Good luck OP .

[SheldonsSpot]

I agree you should talk to him tonight. If he's noticed you're quiet, and the messages have been deleted, it's likely that the meet up may not be taking place now as he knows something is up.

Focus on "why have you hidden this" rather than "you've been meeting another woman" (agree with the PP - as you don't want him saying "Its all innocent but I knew you'd react like this which is why I kept it quiet") and don't be deflected if he starts bleating about you checking his phone.

[Assam]

It may be that something is developing but nothing's happened yet (not that that makes it better) but you finding out at this stage may save your marriage

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Like your DH my DH doesn't ask me for permission to catch up with old acquaintances but (afaik) will tell me when he hears from them or when he looks them up and when they make arrangements to meet. Then afterwards he'll come home and talk about their lunch/evening. I don't quiz him. I don't fear he's holding anything back. If it turned out he'd been arranging get-togethers without a single word about it I'd wonder why this particular friend never got a mention.

Hope you can raise this and get a straight answer back.

[anotherglassofred]

You are all quite correct. He is very likely to say 'I knew you would overreact that is why I haven't told you' so I am focusing on the lying by omission or otherwise and why he feels he has to hide it. Meet up is supposed to be tonight unless it has been cancelled for any reason. There is still a text from a few months ago arranging to meet so this could have been going on some time. He has left the general 'Hello how are you?' messages on there showing they keep in touch which wouldn't have worried me in the slightest had I seen his phone this morning rather than a few days ago.

I will wait to see if he is capable of lying to my face when I ask why he is late and take it from there. But if he comes home at normal time as cancelled I think I should still address it rather than wait until they rearrange. I have to put the DCs first and can't be a good mum while this is going on. But whatever he says he has already hurt me, lost my trust in him and undermined our marriage.

[Allalonenow]

When you do have The Talk, try not to say too much yourself, let him do the explaining, the reasons why he was late, who he was seeing etc, that way you will find out more about the level of his deceit.
Don't reveal that you have screen shots, let him feel confident about lying to you.
Don't be afraid of silence, don't feel you have to fill the silence.

You are unlikely to get straight answers or the whole truth, whatever he tells you will be the minimum he thinks he can get away with.

[GingerbreadCake]

The deleting of the messages is he most telling thing here by far. Hopefully he's worried you're a bit "off", has panicked and let guilty seen the light and cancelled the meeting and then stupidly deleted the messages.

If the meeting still goes ahead with the messages deleted that is the most worrying thing but confronting this now will give you the best chance and hopefully stop you worrying for weeks on end.

I agree about trust it would be gone for me too unless he had a hell of an explanation.

[NapQueen]

The deleting of the messages would concern me more so than anything

He is lying by omission and covering his tracks.

[MissBattleaxe]

I knew you would overreact that is why I haven't told you

Ah yes. The classic script. They always make out it's your fault for being jealous, not their fault for being deceitful. I hope he doesn't actually try that line on you OP. Wait and see, I suppose.

[CalmItKermitt]

Nip this in the bud. It's very fishy.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He is very likely to say 'I knew you would overreact that is why I haven't told you'

to which you reply, well, I'm curious, so indulge me.

[Gazelda]

My DH did something similar last winter. He arranged to meet up with an ex colleague (female) on An afternoon off. Didn't tell me anything about it.

I only discovered it a month later when I needed to look at his phone for something.

some of the messages between them were low-level flirtatious banter.

I confronted him with the secrecy, told him I felt betrayed by the secret.

He told me it wasn't an affair, was platonic, he hadn't told me because he thought id be insecure. He was ashamed at how he'd behaved, the flirty texts and he'd hurt me.

In any event, the meet up was cancelled (by her) because something came up at work. He told me they'd not had any contact since.

I chose to believe him, but made damn sure that he knew he'd altered the unquestioning trust between us.
I still 100% believe him, but I will never smugly believe he is Mr Perfect as I did before.

[BolshierAryaStark]

The deletion of the meet up messages would bother me too. Hope he arrives home at the usual time.

[TheHobbitMum]

I wouldn't be happy at the deleted messages! I'd wait to see what he comes up with when the meeting happens, he can't deny what you k ow has happened then. Keep strong x

[Bin85]

If by any chance you use ' Where's my I phone ' you could see where he is and if it's a bar or something and he's late ask him why he was there
If not you could suggest using it and see his reaction
Good luck
I'm hoping it's a case of ' I thought you'd think there was something going on when there isn't ' as a reason not to tell you but not sure.

[Purplehonesty]

Sorry op I hope it turns out to be innocent

[littleniki]

Hope your ok