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Relationships

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Original poster

DP seeing female friends before he sees me

146 replies

LanaLeder · 07/06/2016 20:40

Would appreciate some advice as events over the past 4 months have unfolded in a way that has left me wondering whether my DP of 2 years is as committed as I am.

For context, we are both 36 and live apart at the moment, although in the same city. We have busy schedules, and often only see other 4 times a week. Often at 7pm after I have finished my shift.

I have recently discovered that my DP often sees a female friend during the interval after he finishes work at 5pm, and before he meets me at 7pm. I know this particular friend has eyes on my DP and he knows this. He has previously discussed this with her and he has told her in no uncertain terms that despite whatever attraction there may be, he is with me and is not looking to change that.

Despite this, I still feel uneasy as to why he feels the need to still meet her for catch ups, especially just before he comes to me. The idea that he is seeing her just before he sees me makes me feel very uneasy.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Pearlman · 07/06/2016 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LanaLeder · 07/06/2016 20:53

At least twice a month

OP posts:

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 07/06/2016 20:53

whatever attraction there may be is the bit that would concern me. If he's attracted to her not just the other way round I'd be very concerned.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 07/06/2016 20:53

I see a male friend every day. My DH doesn't care as he knows that I'm not interested in other men.

Do you trust your DP? If not, then discuss it with him.

Original poster

LanaLeder · 07/06/2016 20:58

I do think he is attracted her. I would go as far as to say he is very attracted to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

LanaLeder · 07/06/2016 20:59

I trust him, but the situation has/is making me uneasy.

OP posts:

AddToBasket · 07/06/2016 21:00

Twice a month doesn't sound much, but it is enough to keep her hopeful. Can you join them? Maybe if it is just drinks you could go along too?

Original poster

LanaLeder · 07/06/2016 21:04

I can't go as he normally sees her in the interval between when he finishes work and I finish.

I used to kid myself that he did it to kill time, but i'm not so sure now.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 07/06/2016 21:14

If he's attracted to her how do you know he's told her nothing would happen between them?

Did you hear him saying that to her or do you take his word for it.

I'd be very uncomfortable with the mutual attraction TBH. I couldn't cope with it.

Were they friends before you two got together?

Did they ever have more than a friendship?

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 07/06/2016 21:18

So I guess he'd feel ok about you going for regular drinks with someone you fancy and who really fancies you?

Original poster

LanaLeder · 07/06/2016 21:21

Well yes, I guess I have no way of knowing he told her definitely that nothing would happen between them. He showed me a text he sent her, but he could easily backtrack when meeting her f2f.

This is a new friendship for him, post us meeting 2 years ago. Never more than a friendship, but I guess what I am struggling with is that I don't know whether what they have is a friendship or the very beginnings of a relationship?

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 07/06/2016 21:22

So I guess he'd feel ok about you going for regular drinks with someone you fancy and who really fancies you?

Exactly!

Because I'd give him a taste of his own medicine.

Bloody cheek.

Pearlman · 07/06/2016 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LanaLeder · 07/06/2016 21:42

DP does have a bit of an ego sadly.

I guess my nervousness comes because he admitted being attracted to her and also told other people (I became aware of this by chance).

What upset me is that he felt the need to tell others.

OP posts:

Pearlman · 07/06/2016 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LanaLeder · 07/06/2016 22:14

Not quite sure what to do from here? They have confessed attraction to each other, but apparently agreed to do nothing about it.

Would I be unreasonable to demand he does not meet her alone?

OP posts:

timelytess · 07/06/2016 22:19

It's not the 'very beginnings' if they already meet regularly.

AddToBasket · 07/06/2016 23:01

Go with him

HermioneJeanGranger · 07/06/2016 23:09

Start meeting men for drinks after work instead of seeing him! I bet you he won't like getting a taste of his own medicine.

It's not okay for him to be hanging around someone he's stated he's attracted to like that, especially when she likes him back.

Kittencatkins123 · 07/06/2016 23:13

Just to clarify: they have only been friends for four months? Or is it just in the last four months you've found out about the mutual attraction?

To be honest, if it was me and my partner a) admitted to fancying someone else b) told other people he fancied her c) continued to see this person when they knew she still fancied him

I would be out of there.

He's dicking you both around, and probably using both of you to keep the other invested while his ego grows to the size of a large planet.

How are you feeling about the future? Do you want to get married/have children?

IrishDad79 · 07/06/2016 23:33

Fuck him - dump him and tell him exactly why, everything you said on here. He'll make his mind up about who he wants to see fairly sharpish after that.

AddToBasket · 07/06/2016 23:41

How old is he? Is he 19?

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 07/06/2016 23:42

I'd have a frank discussion with him. If he wants you then there are to be no little ego-boosting sidelines. The fact that it makes you uneasy should be enough to put an end to it. He's choosing to spend time with someone he fancies and who fancies him in return. Meeting up can only heat things up, not cool them down.

However, the danger of an ultimatum is that it may backfire. Are you prepared to lose him over it? I gave now DH an ultimatum years ago and didn't lose him, but I felt strongly enough to take the risk.

Original poster

LanaLeder · 08/06/2016 05:41

They met 4 months ago, and have been friends since.

I already have 2 DC from a previous relationship. DP does not have any, but he is very good with my DC and the plan is for us to marry and have more within the next 2 years.c

I don't want to lose him, especially over something like this that just appears to be an ego boost for him.

OP posts:

Sprink · 08/06/2016 06:20

Fuck him - dump him and tell him exactly why, everything you said on here. He'll make his mind up about who he wants to see fairly sharpish after that.

I agree 100% with Irishdad.

You may not want to lose your partner, but I would be asking myself why he needs his ego boosted to begin with.

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