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Original poster

DP seeing female friends before he sees me

146 replies

LanaLeder · 07/06/2016 20:40

Would appreciate some advice as events over the past 4 months have unfolded in a way that has left me wondering whether my DP of 2 years is as committed as I am.

For context, we are both 36 and live apart at the moment, although in the same city. We have busy schedules, and often only see other 4 times a week. Often at 7pm after I have finished my shift.

I have recently discovered that my DP often sees a female friend during the interval after he finishes work at 5pm, and before he meets me at 7pm. I know this particular friend has eyes on my DP and he knows this. He has previously discussed this with her and he has told her in no uncertain terms that despite whatever attraction there may be, he is with me and is not looking to change that.

Despite this, I still feel uneasy as to why he feels the need to still meet her for catch ups, especially just before he comes to me. The idea that he is seeing her just before he sees me makes me feel very uneasy.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/06/2016 22:43

OP has no ego. She trashed it when she became a cool girlfriend.

Original poster
LanaLeder · 08/06/2016 22:43

It wasn't like that at all. At the time we were all laughing about it, they had just met and she was very OTT towards him. It is not the first time he has had women throw themselves at him, but usually that is it. There is no ongoing friendship, or if there is, I end up meeting them anyway as they go on to form part of his larger group of friends he normally sees. Furthermore, he has never been attracted to any of these other girls.

The difference this time is that a) he is attracted to her b) I have not met her.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 08/06/2016 22:44

He thinks she's a stunner, and he's told her to back off but still meets her a couple of times a month (and pays for her food / drink)?
And you put it down to him being a gentleman Hmm

AnyFucker · 08/06/2016 22:46

You don't think people are still laughing? The joke is on you, I am afraid.

Original poster
LanaLeder · 08/06/2016 22:46

Call it my gut instinct, I just have a bad feeling about this. I am not prepared to fight for any man. I have 2 DC whom are my primary focus. When their father left me, I swore to never fight for a man again (he cheated and I spent 8 gruelling months trying to get him to stay).

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 08/06/2016 22:50

Women throw themselves at him, and they're incorporated into his group of friends that he sees regularly?? How big is this harum, exactly?

NameChange30 · 08/06/2016 22:51

Maybe you're attracted to the types who have big egos and are likely to cheat.

Why is that?

AnyFucker · 08/06/2016 22:52

You are making excuses for him (he is pretty, women throw themselves at him, he is just being a gent etc)...this is the same as "fighting" for a man.

I suggest you go with your head, leave him to his harem and concentrate on your kids

Kittencatkins123 · 08/06/2016 22:57

I do find this all a bit odd for your age group. It sounds like something that would happen to teenagers. But you are adults. And you have children.

If he's paying, and spending a lot of money, that's very odd for 'friends'.

But they aren't really friends. They've only known each other for four months. And in that time they've both publicly admitted to fancying each other. And it wasn't a passing crush - they still do.

Now they regularly meet up, one on one, don't invite you, (in fact they arrange this at a time you couldn't possibly join them) and he spends a lot of money financing it.

I literally don't know anyone in a serious relationship who does this even with a longstanding (eg uni) friend. Let alone with someone who fancies them who they are 'very attracted to'.

You're not being insecure - this is not normal or acceptable behaviour. Raising that doesn't make you insecure - it makes you a normal, rational adult who wants an adult relationship with respect and minus game playing.

His behaviour is totally unreasonable.

If I were you I would just say - this isn't for you, it's completely unreasonable, and you're ending it so you can find someone capable of a mature, respectful relationship where you are a team. Take the high ground, and just say you're not up for it. End the game.

Flowers
DailyMailGOFuckOff · 08/06/2016 23:03

I know someone who had this situation. He never actually wanted the "friend" for a relationship, always maintained she would only ever be a "friend" she's much younger and age was cited as why.

Came out recently that he's cheated on every single girlfriend he's had regularly going back years with the "friend". She's had boyfriends herself and was still sleeping with him.

Some people are just that immoral. They are actually together now - 16 years on now it's all come out that they were doing this all along.

I do hope your DP isn't - but she would be a deal breaker for me - cut all contact with her immediately with no way to resume it - block Facebook, delete number etc OR there's no future for the relationship

NameChange30 · 08/06/2016 23:14

Basically they are dating. They may not have kissed or had sex, but they've admitted that they want to. So if they keep dating it's only a matter of time.

Are you happy to have an open relationship, OP?

Original poster
LanaLeder · 08/06/2016 23:29

I will have to speak to him directly about the situation. I am not happy at all, and seeing the words written in front of me makes it even harder. I never envisaged being in a situation where my DP is 'dating' someone while seeing me. Why do that? Is it not better to just leave? I can't understand his motivation for doing this.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 08/06/2016 23:34

Because he can have his cake and eat it.
He's been getting away with it so far, so why would he stop?
Surely his motivation is the same as that of any man (or woman) who has an affair.
Even if he doesn't cheat, he is certainly keeping his options open.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2016 23:34

Well, he hasn't got any motivation to stop if you don't bring it up in case you are perceived as being uncool does he ?

Have a really good think about why you did end up in this situation.

hownottofuckup · 08/06/2016 23:39

I think you should tell him how you feel. If you can't do that then that's the real issue and yes the relationship is a non starter.
From what you've said he has no idea you have a problem with it at the moment. He can't make your feelings a priority if you don't tell him what they are.
You say you know he's attracted to her, is that just because he said 'at least she's a stunner'? There are plenty of people I think are good looking that I'm not attracted to, acknowledging someone is good looking isn't the same as being attracted to them.

joellevandyne · 08/06/2016 23:50

Definitely put your foot down.

I mean, what exactly goes on at these cosy little drinks sessions? My guess is two people who have admitted attraction towards each other making eyes over the rims of their glasses, enjoying the frisson of excitement generated by flirting with someone they find sexually attractive while being otherwise terribly well-behaved.

It's bound to end badly.

beckythemasterbaker · 08/06/2016 23:55

Op are they paying for hotel rooms for a quick shag? The money spent does it says where it's paid into ?

SandyY2K · 09/06/2016 00:09

Just because you have 2 DC that he gets on with don't tolerate this crap. Do you honestly think it would be acceptable by him if the roles were reversed. You see even if he stops seeing her at your request, the fact that he thinks it's okay is very concerning for a man you want to marry.

Download the book 'not just friends ' by Dr Shirley Glass. Unless suitable boundaries are maintained by him and other women there will be problems.

Just imagine the two of you have a row and then he sees her..... there's already mutual attraction...it's just a matter of time it it hasn't already happened.

fassbendersgirlfriend · 09/06/2016 00:15

He met her AFTER you AND now mutual attraction and doing stuff together ? Do you really want to hear any more?
He's stringing you along. Fuck him and get a life. I

Original poster
LanaLeder · 09/06/2016 06:18

Not going to hotels, just bars/pubs. It's not plenty of money, but still substantially more than what he usually spends. It seems when he is doing a quick drink (2hrs) with others, he only spends £10 or so. With her it's £30/40.

I will definitely be telling him how I feel as I want the relationship to work, but not like this. I need to be happy too.

I know he is attracted to her (and told others) because after he said she was at least a stunner, his friend piped up and repeated something he must have told him. The look on DP face told me he must have said that (and why would friend lie anyway).

OP posts:
crossroads3 · 09/06/2016 06:39

To be honest, if it was me and my partner a) admitted to fancying someone else b) told other people he fancied her c) continued to see this person when they knew she still fancied him

I would be out of there.

^ this

SandyY2K · 09/06/2016 07:44

To be honest, if it was me and my partner a) admitted to fancying someone else b) told other people he fancied her c) continued to see this person when they knew she still fancied him

I would be out of there

100% agree with this.

OP - Why is it that you don't equally find this unacceptable and are still in a relationship that your STB Fiancé says this?

So often women put up with this because he's a good looking man and they feel privileged to be the chosen one.

That he developed this so called friendship after you got together is a really big deal.

Disrespect is written all over your relationship.

thedogdaysareover · 09/06/2016 08:36

I will definitely be telling him how I feel as I want the relationship to work, but not like this. I need to be happy too

Hang on, your partner, who is dating another person under your nose, has to have the rules explained to him in order for you to be happy and continue a relationship?

You and your lack of self-esteem is a real worry. Why would you want to continue a "relationship" with such a person? You have no relationship. Who told you that you need to negotiate with an abuser in order to get your needs met? Fuck him and his bunch of arsehole mates off. They are joking like this in front of you? Yuck. I've been there for what it's worth, and like AnyFucker said, you are trading your self esteem to appear to be cool and laid back and not to upset the crowd. That is what I was doing. It hurts to read it but it is true.

DailyMailGOFuckOff · 09/06/2016 09:42

I think your getting a hard time OP, I think your DP is being an arse but IME "some" and especially childless men can be pretty slow at realising the boundaries in grown up relationships aren't flexible how they may have been in their younger days.

It IS disrespectful to you, and unacceptable but I don't think it's stupid to at least bring it up and clarify your expectations before you end things. It's how he behaves once you do I think that will guide you on if you should LTB.

If he shrugs it off, minimises and makes out your being OTT - get the hell out of there fast. If he apologises and comes up with his own solutions to hold on to your relationship such as him offering to cut all contact, accept it and see if he follows through. Trust has been stretched too far, is he prepared to work on building your trust and put you before his friendships?

He apparently wants to spend his life and grow a family with you - it shouldn't be a hardship for him to do that.

thedogdaysareover · 09/06/2016 10:03

I don't think she's getting a hard time, just a realistic one. Been there myself, and I'm not judging.

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