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Original poster

DP seeing female friends before he sees me

146 replies

LanaLeder · 07/06/2016 20:40

Would appreciate some advice as events over the past 4 months have unfolded in a way that has left me wondering whether my DP of 2 years is as committed as I am.

For context, we are both 36 and live apart at the moment, although in the same city. We have busy schedules, and often only see other 4 times a week. Often at 7pm after I have finished my shift.

I have recently discovered that my DP often sees a female friend during the interval after he finishes work at 5pm, and before he meets me at 7pm. I know this particular friend has eyes on my DP and he knows this. He has previously discussed this with her and he has told her in no uncertain terms that despite whatever attraction there may be, he is with me and is not looking to change that.

Despite this, I still feel uneasy as to why he feels the need to still meet her for catch ups, especially just before he comes to me. The idea that he is seeing her just before he sees me makes me feel very uneasy.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
beckythemasterbaker · 09/06/2016 10:43

You don't live together but share a bank account ? That's interesting! how did that come about? Why bank account sharing yet no commitment.

Floggingmolly · 09/06/2016 10:45

Op says she "looked at his bank statement". That's bizarre enough, God knows...

RivieraKid · 09/06/2016 11:18

What AF said, basically. He's seeing someone with a mutual attraction (which is known to your whole friend group argh argh argh the cringe) without you and spending more money than he usually would when meeting a friend. They are not friends.

You're right, you need to be happy too. Please stop downplaying how this makes you feel for fear of rocking the boat.

The look on DP face told me he must have said that

I don't know, this really stuck out for me. Whatever his friend disclosed, he's not even keeping his attraction secret, he's been discussing her in no uncertain terms behind your back as well. You deserve much, much more.

Kittencatkins123 · 09/06/2016 13:06

I do understand how you've ended up here. You're invested in the relationship, two years down the line, he's great with your DC etc. You were kind of forced to be 'cool' about this in front of his friends (that must have been horrible OP - I feel for you). Then you probably thought this girl would eff off and get a life/her own boyfriend at some point.

The problem is, with these cosy little meet ups, he's keeping her invested, so it's still dragging on four months later. He's being a prick to both of you tbh (though I don't have heaps of sympathy for girls who pursue people with partners - there are plenty of single guys out there).

BUT - enough is enough. Just explain that this isn't something you (or any normal person) can put up with, that you're looking for a mature, respectful, adult relationship and as such he can sod off.

I wouldn't get into dramatic ultimatums - just calmly explain this isn't acceptable and you don't want to continue. Then he either sorts his shit out, or you go your separate ways, freeing you up to meet an actual adult.

Original poster
LanaLeder · 09/06/2016 20:55

So have spoken to DP about how I am feeling. I was pleasantly surprised by his response. He was extremely apologetic about making me feel this way and did not understand why I waited so long to raise it given how I feel.

He says the OW is a friend and always has been. Just that and nothing more. Has agreed to stop seeing her if that is what I need.

OP posts:
DailyMailGOFuckOff · 09/06/2016 21:05

He says the OW is a friend and always has been. Just that and nothing more. Has agreed to stop seeing her if that is what I need.

That is what HE needs, to be with you.

Good that he's understood though OP

hownottofuckup · 09/06/2016 21:08

Hopefully that'll give you more confidence to raise things in the future

AnyFucker · 09/06/2016 21:09

4 months is not "always"

I call bull shit. He knew what he was doing. He will hide it better in future.

AyeAmarok · 09/06/2016 21:14

He's agreed to stop seeing her if that's what you want.

He's been dating another woman in plain sight!

I'm sorry but I'm another in the DTF camp. DTF and raise your expectations.

Original poster
LanaLeder · 09/06/2016 21:16

I don't believe he has been dating her.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/06/2016 21:22

What would you call it then Lana ?

Original poster
LanaLeder · 09/06/2016 21:25

She is a friend/colleague. They meet for drinks/catch up. I do the same with some of my male friends, it doesn't mean I date them. I just enjoy their company in the same way he is enjoying her company.

The only difference (which I am still uncomfortable with) is him footing the bill. Sometimes my male friends do pay for my round, but not always.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/06/2016 21:27

What is to "catch up" in 4 months ? Confused

Chaucemar · 09/06/2016 21:28

blimey, well, one thing's clear, he's not scared of losing you is he.

He is dating another woman under your nose.

I hope that doesn't sound harsh. I had to accept something about ten weeks ago and it was really hard to acknowledge it. I had deluded myself.

Chaucemar · 09/06/2016 21:30

You said earlier

"I'm not prepared to compete for a man". I respected you when you said that. Whatever he's doing, remember that he's not being careful not to lose you is he? I'd remind yourself of what you decided, that you're not prepared to compete for a man.

Take yourself out of the running and leave him to it.

Original poster
LanaLeder · 09/06/2016 21:31

I don't want to delude myself, so I appreciate the comments.

Yes, fair point, there isn't much to catch up on. I guess they are either getting to know each other or just having a laugh after work. Written down in the light of day, the former sounds awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaLeder · 09/06/2016 21:32

I am not proud of myself, but I did have a sneak at his phone. Oddly enough, there is no trace of her. Not saved in his contacts, no texts, nothing.

OP posts:
hownottofuckup · 09/06/2016 21:37

Calling it dating is laughable.

I'd bow out now if I was you OP and get on with life. He was meeting up twice a month with a friend for a couple of hours whilst waiting for you to finish work. You felt uncomfortable, you eventually told him how you felt, he apologised and agreed to stop seeing her.

It's not really that dramatic.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2016 21:38

he is removing them

you know this

Dozer · 09/06/2016 21:41

People in relationships who intend to be faithful don't just "make friends" with people with whom they have a mutual attraction and then spend regular time with them alone.

It's clearly an affair and he clearly isn't reliable.

Chaucemar · 09/06/2016 21:42

I didn't see your update.

Good luck.

AyeAmarok · 09/06/2016 21:43

Going out for drinks with a woman that you've just met, whom you fancy and who fancies you and buying all the drinks and telling all your friends about how you are both attracted to each other and you're flattered as she's hot.

That is lovely.

If you didn't have a girlfriend.

And the fact there are no messages means he's deleting them. Because he doesn't want you to see them, because they're not kosher.

He's dating this woman, clear as day.

Original poster
LanaLeder · 09/06/2016 21:44

I did think maybe he is removing them, but then I suspect they communicate over work devices only as he does with many of his work friends

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 09/06/2016 21:45

Does the having no apparent means of contacting her not ring any alarm bells for you, op?? You appear to think it adds to the case for his innocence Confused

AnyFucker · 09/06/2016 21:45

if they see enough of each other at work to never need to drop a quick text to make the arrangements to see each other then they clearly have no need for "catch ups"

you are riht op, they are getting to know each other