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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP seeing female friends before he sees me

146 replies

LanaLeder · 07/06/2016 20:40

Would appreciate some advice as events over the past 4 months have unfolded in a way that has left me wondering whether my DP of 2 years is as committed as I am.

For context, we are both 36 and live apart at the moment, although in the same city. We have busy schedules, and often only see other 4 times a week. Often at 7pm after I have finished my shift.

I have recently discovered that my DP often sees a female friend during the interval after he finishes work at 5pm, and before he meets me at 7pm. I know this particular friend has eyes on my DP and he knows this. He has previously discussed this with her and he has told her in no uncertain terms that despite whatever attraction there may be, he is with me and is not looking to change that.

Despite this, I still feel uneasy as to why he feels the need to still meet her for catch ups, especially just before he comes to me. The idea that he is seeing her just before he sees me makes me feel very uneasy.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
TresDesolee · 08/06/2016 06:33

I'm quite a jealous type (I have my reasons!) so your mileage may vary OP, but if I were you I'd be thinking about getting out. He's showing you very clearly that he doesn't care if he upsets you and he's not prepared to prioritise your feelings. This isn't a man who will make you deeply happy in the long run - in fact he sounds more like the kind of man who will take pleasure in keeping you off-kilter and miserable.

I'd sit him down and tell him exactly how this makes you feel - don't sugarcoat it - and if he belittles your feelings or refuses to accept that he's bang out of order, I'd be waving goodbye.

It is NOT normal to choose to see someone you fancy and who you know fancies you, twice a week for months on end. It is NOT normal to have a 'platonic friendship' with someone you've frankly discussed your mutual attraction with. It is NOT normal to tell your mates you desperately fancy another woman.*

*all of these things if you're in a committed relationship, obviously.

One thing I've learned over the years is that going out with someone who has a HUGE ego that needs endless stoking through female attention is a recipe for absolute misery.

Have a look at the Baggage Reclaim website. I think your boundaries may be a little shaky and believe me, if there's one thing every woman needs when she's looking for Mr Right, it's bloody big prickly boundaries.

Stardust160 · 08/06/2016 06:39

I wouldn't be surprised if somethings going on. Trust your gut feeling. This is not acceptable behaviour letting someone where there's mutal attraction whilst in a relationship.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 08/06/2016 06:47

I'd fuck him off to be honest. Just text him and tell him he's not worth your time anymore cos he really isn't. No way I'd go and meet my boyfriend after he's spent two hours with a woman he's told me he's attracted to.

HippyPottyMouth · 08/06/2016 06:50

He has a drink with a friend a couple of times a month, before you finish work, then spends the evening with you? That sounds ok to me, they're not having romantic dinners and sex by the sounds of it.

Jengnr · 08/06/2016 06:53

It was all ok with me until you said he fancies her. That's not ok. He needs to pick a side.

Mellowautumn · 08/06/2016 07:03

Personally I have a super power of not having to fuck everyone I fancy . Crazy but true!! I'm even able to be friends with VERY attractive men without having to shag them. Actual friends !!!! With a men !!!

TresDesolee · 08/06/2016 07:29

Mellow, do you have a male friend who you fancy, who you've discussed your attraction to with friends, who your DP/DH knows you fancy, who fancies you, and who you meet with twice a week come rain or shine, on your own? Because that's not quite the same thing.

Nothing wrong with being friends with men, or men being friends with women. My DP's best friends are women - it's one of the things I like about him. but the situation the OP is facing is something else altogether - it's manipulative and miserable.

TheNaze73 · 08/06/2016 07:32

I think you're being insecure. If he wanted to be with her, he would by the sounds of things but, he's chosen you.
What he does in his own time is up to him but, giving him grief about something that hasn't happened, is only going to push him, in one direction

tribpot · 08/06/2016 07:35

Yes quite. Most of my friends are men too (because I work in a male-dominated industry so most people I meet are male). There's a huge difference between having friends of the opposite sex and having a friendship with someone that you fancy and who fancies you. The latter is playing with fire.

The fact that he is encouraging this friendship and has told his other friends that he is very attracted to this woman is extremely disrespectful - both to the OP and to the friend. What a prize this guy thinks he is.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 08/06/2016 07:37

Yeah, don't be insecure you'll make him have an affair Hmm

Also totes agree if he wanted to be with her he would just leave you and be with her, it's not like people just stay with their partner and have an affair is it, everyone leaves their current relationship before starting a new one Confused

brodchengretchen · 08/06/2016 07:47

After I was in this situation I found out I was 'insurance' in case the other relationship didn't work out. I could be the same for both you and OW, OP.

I would never let myself be in this situation again, it was insulting.

TresDesolee · 08/06/2016 07:57

I really think this is one of those situations where people have different boundaries - which is fine. I know people who like to flirt and who get a kick out of their partners flirting - keeps things interesting, keeps a spark in the relationship, people who have a strong need to feel independent and not overly couply. All fine so long as everyone's happy.

The OP is not happy. This is also fine (fine that these are her individual boundaries - not fine to be unhappy!)

Knowing where your boundaries are and what you need to be happy is relationships 101.

OP never let anyone make you feel bad for your gut feelings, or tell you that your gut feelings should be different. They are what they are. Your deep reptilian brain knows what you want and what would make you happy.

And if there's one thing I soooo wish I'd known when I was young (you are young!) it's that people with big fuck-off boundaries who don't apologise for themselves are absolute fucking catnip.

Find out where your boundaries are and what you want and there will be a queue of men around the block wanting to offer it to you. Don't waste your youth and beauty and charm and potential on men who will make you sad.

Kittencatkins123 · 08/06/2016 08:10

But it isn't just an ego boost for him - it's upsetting you/making you feel uncomfortable.

Four months isn't a friendship.

This seems needlessly unfair on you. I feel like sometimes people think they can get away with outrageous behaviour 'as long as they are honest'. No - being 'honest' about shitty behaviour doesn't stop it being shitty behaviour.

Do you feel there is a power imbalance in the relationship?

'I don't want to lose him...' He shouldn't want to lose you - or risk it with this out of line behaviour.

Sorry but I really think he is being very unfair to you - you deserve more.

fourquenelles · 08/06/2016 12:26

Nope. He is hedging his bets. This is not an old friendship from before he met you. This is a young infatuation looking into each other's eyes, sighing deeply and going on about "if only I had met you before Lana". They strike me as pathetic. That what you want?

HotNatured · 08/06/2016 17:32

Pls don't belittle yourself by staying with this man. He will slowly but surely take every ounce of self esteem that you have if you do. By the sounds of what you are willing to accept he's done a good job of that already. Get out now while you still have some sanity left.

Jan45 · 08/06/2016 17:44

Sorry but they both fancy each other and meet up on their own at least twice every month, and what about texting, emailing, skype, do you know if they are in communication that way too?

For me it's the height of disrespect for your relationship - she's told him she fancies him, he knows this, you know this but yet he continues to antagonise the situation by meeting up with her nearly more than he sees you if I am reading it right - it's not really about picking a side, it's the fact that he doesn't seem concerned how all this makes you feel, you should be his priority, not her.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2016 18:57

4 months is hardly a long term friendship is it ? She's not someone he has history with, an old Uni friend or similar.

4 months is dating

He is dating her. Right under your nose. Fuck that shit.

Original poster
LanaLeder · 08/06/2016 22:08

My discovery of this OW being keen on my DP was an accident as a friend of his mentioned it in a jokey way whilst we were all out in a group. My DP is a real pretty boy and his mates often rip the piss out of him because of it. The latest joke was about the OW being super keen on him and it led to all sorts of banter.

I joined in the laughter and ribbing, and his mates continued to rip the piss and he made a comment about how at least she is a stunner (something like that) and also mentioned how he told her to back off as he is with me etc. Anyway, I massively down played the whole thing, but I didn't forget and since then, have noted the times when he has seen her (he openly tells me who he is meeting). I also downplay this, so he doesn't really know how I feel about it all.

I am thinking whether I should just tell him bluntly that I don't like this at all, but I don't want him thinking I am insecure etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaLeder · 08/06/2016 22:11

I hate myself for this, but I looked at his bank statement and I can see that on the occasions when he has met her, he has spent a lot of money - i.e, he is clearly paying for her drinks too. I know this can be perceived as gentlemanly, but surely you don't have to pay for female friends drinks?

OP posts:
Ramblesoften · 08/06/2016 22:17

It's not as simple as friends of the opposite not having sex with each other when they both fancy each other !

Aussiebean · 08/06/2016 22:18

there is an episode of how I met your mother where they talk about how people keep a back up hanging. They had a term for it but can't remember.

Basically you know they like you, you have better offers but you do just enough to keep them interested just in case.

Ramblesoften · 08/06/2016 22:20

It's a plan B guaranteed

AnyFucker · 08/06/2016 22:37

soyou haven't said a word about how unhappy this makes you ?

well, he has you well trained doesn't he ?

let me tell you now....if you are under the impression you are punching above your wight you are wrong

speak up, fgs....you are acting like you are frightened to assert yourself

AnyFucker · 08/06/2016 22:38

you joined in the laughter about your boyfriend dating another woman ?

I am cringing for you

SuckingEggs · 08/06/2016 22:42

Erm, don't marry him!

He's hardly committed. He's taking the piss royally. Ego, my arse. What about your ego in all this?

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