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Original poster

DP seeing female friends before he sees me

146 replies

LanaLeder · 07/06/2016 20:40

Would appreciate some advice as events over the past 4 months have unfolded in a way that has left me wondering whether my DP of 2 years is as committed as I am.

For context, we are both 36 and live apart at the moment, although in the same city. We have busy schedules, and often only see other 4 times a week. Often at 7pm after I have finished my shift.

I have recently discovered that my DP often sees a female friend during the interval after he finishes work at 5pm, and before he meets me at 7pm. I know this particular friend has eyes on my DP and he knows this. He has previously discussed this with her and he has told her in no uncertain terms that despite whatever attraction there may be, he is with me and is not looking to change that.

Despite this, I still feel uneasy as to why he feels the need to still meet her for catch ups, especially just before he comes to me. The idea that he is seeing her just before he sees me makes me feel very uneasy.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaLeder · 09/06/2016 21:48

I will have to look at his work phone for peace of mind. I can't tell if he is lying to me or not. I am too emotionally invested to be objective to what may be happening.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 09/06/2016 21:48

Do they work together?

Original poster
LanaLeder · 09/06/2016 21:49

They are in the same company, but different subsidiaries and buildings.

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 09/06/2016 21:55

So how do they arrange to meet up?

Do you trust that he will discard this friendship that easily because you're paramount to him or do you suspect he will just meet her in secret now and you will be looking for evidence of his deceit?

Original poster
LanaLeder · 09/06/2016 21:58

He has 2 phones - personal and work.

He spends more time on his work phone, which is hard for me to access. I have looked at his personal phone as thought if she was that close to him and interested, she would be on his contact list, sending pics etc.

I suspect they communicate via his work device only.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/06/2016 22:09

"I do the same with some of my male friends, it doesn't mean I date them. I just enjoy their company in the same way he is enjoying her company."

In the same way... As in you have admitted to each other that you fancy each other, and your other friends tease you about fancying them?

You are minimising this. You're in denial. You would prefer to continue in a relationship with ANOTHER man who has shown signs that he will cheat on you, just like the last one did. Do you plan to do the "pick me" dance again? Because it didn't work out for you last time did it?

AnyFucker · 09/06/2016 22:33

Those male friends you spend time with, Lana?

Have you known them only 4 months ? Do they predate your relationship with MrLoverLover ? Do you have cosy chats about how much you fancy each other and share it with your friends ? Do you buy all their drinks or they buy all yours ?

MeMySonAndl · 09/06/2016 22:40

I have always have lots of friends who are men, and I keep in touch with my exes, they were part of my family after all so I often find people feeling suspicious about opposite sex friendships ridiculous.

Having said that, there is something that doesn't sound quite right here, I don't think he is having an affair, but it seems like to me like it is just a matter of time.

Were you living together before, has your relationship cooled down a bit in the months BEFORE they met? If so, I would be worried.

CantGetYouOutOfMyHead · 09/06/2016 22:40

OP, I feel for you. Don't settle. This is not good for you, and he is not good enough for you. Withdraw.

TutanKaDashian · 09/06/2016 22:44

You should listen to your instincts. Have it out with him and his reaction will tell you everything. If he really respects you and/or genuinely doesn't fancy her, then he'll stop seeing her without you immediately. If all hell breaks loose or he just point blank refuses to stop then I would be concerned.

Thissameearth · 09/06/2016 22:49

You said at the start he showed you a text he sent her (telling her to back off). Was that on his work phone or personal phone?

Kittencatkins123 · 09/06/2016 23:14

Okay that's great that you've said something!

Now either: he stops seeing her on his own because it isn't fair (not because it's 'what you need') or he invites you along (maybe in a group setting - ugh, unpleasant but at least it's making a statement that you're a committed couple).

I think you should just say 'yep, I'd prefer if you didn't see her - that's what I'd do if the situation was reversed'

He doesn't need to have a big dramatic discussion with her about it - just not arrange/bail on meeting and gradually phase her out.

Original poster
LanaLeder · 10/06/2016 05:58

We don't live together mainly due to my DC. I don't feel especially comfortable about bringing a man into their life in that way unless we are 100% committed (marriage).

The relationship hasn't cooled down. In fact, the opposite. He recently took me away to meet his grandparents whom he only sees every 2 years or so due to distance.

I managed to have a quick look at his work email, but still can't get to his work phone. A fair number of emails between them spanning when it seems they first met and 2 weeks ago. Could not read all, but i'm slightly confused by what I did read.

OP posts:
Original poster
LanaLeder · 10/06/2016 06:21

He is almost rude/snappy towards her in recent emails, so I am guessing something must have happened for him to change his attitude towards her. I also saw emails he has outright ignored.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 10/06/2016 06:41

Does he buy your drinks when you're out together?

Yes I would think a sudden change in tone of his emails to her suggests something has happened that made him annoyed at her, which there are quite a few potential scenarios but none of them make him sound great.

Dozer · 10/06/2016 06:45

Meeting his granparents is not an indicator of commitment.

At best he's been boosting his ego, enjoying attraction and getting someone lined up as a potential future gf, like a reserve. Which even if there's been no full emotional or physical affair would be a deal breaker for most! Especially when you have DC to consider and he is in their lives.

If you don't see that, and think it's OK to make new "friends" and behave like that, you're deep in denial!

Original poster
LanaLeder · 10/06/2016 07:07

He always pays as I don't earn much.

Yes, she clearly did something to piss him off, which in some ways makes it worse if she is able to draw that type of reaction from him so quickly.

OP posts:
thedogdaysareover · 10/06/2016 08:08

It sounds like it could be lover's tiff more than a disagreement between friends. I have one close male friend and I don't give him a hard time or ignore him, I give my friends a lot of rope. Neither do I see him very regularly and spend £40 a pop, we catch up about once a month and I do consider him my closest friend. He has a gf, I have a husband. I see him on some occasions with my husband, we cook dinner for him. My friend precedes my husband in my life. I don't think he would like it if I took up a friendship with a new male and saw him frequently, and he didn't get to meet him. I would think at the very least that would be bad manners and would perhaps make my husband feel insecure, which I think would be a correct response.

I think the fact that he has no record of contact with her through his phone is dodgy in the extreme and should not be taken as a good sign. Lana, if you didn't have kids I think I probably wouldn't have bothered responding. But surely someone who has indicated that he wants to marry you shouldn't be having nights out with another female. Please just don't make any hasty decisions regarding commitment with this person. Something is off, please listen to your feelings, you wouldn't have posted if you were feeling secure.

AyeAmarok · 10/06/2016 08:13

He always pays as I don't earn much.

So when he goes out with you, his girlfriend, he pays for you.

When he goes out with her, his girl (space) friend, he pays for her.

When he goes out with his friends, he doesn't, he only pays for himself...

See a pattern? It's a date.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/06/2016 08:35

OP, I think you're looking at facets of this, at what's happened, in an attempt to re-write the scenario so that it sits more comfortably with you. An example - you are (not so) secretly pleased that this woman has managed to provoke what you perceive is some bad feeling with your partner. Well, only people who are under your skin can really do that.

Rude and snappy? That could be that he is feeling the heat from you and your pressure to drop this woman from his life. My take on it is that you can be rude and snappy to a degree, with good friends and people you can trust not to call a halt to a relationship based on one incident of snappishness.

You know that he's attracted to her. You don't know that he told her that he was with you and staying that way. That's what he told you because it's what you want to hear.

Meeting grandparents and the way you have written it, you imply far more commitment in your relationship than you've posted about here. In short, it's like you're treating your partner like a possession and looking at how he puts you first. It's obvious that he doesn't.

Perhaps your previous relationship humiliated you so badly that you will do anything not to have that happen again but, from what you've posted, your current partner holds all the cards and you ARE being humiliated.

You say you don't earn much well, whatever you earn, it should be kept separate. I see that you have joint finances; this is bizarre given that you have no commitment to each other. In your position, I would just make my own financial arrangements and get my own bank account so that whatever happens, my money (and my childrens' money) cannot be touched by him.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad about this man. I would be too. But not for long because I would be stealing myself to dump him.

thedogdaysareover · 10/06/2016 08:39

My male friend's gf is only recently on the scene, I have met her and was very very careful to include her on some occasions (she lives 50 miles away so that is not always possible). I went out of my way to make her feel at ease with me, so she should see me as non-threatening. It is not the norm for a female to have such a close male friend in this society, unfortunately. People were always asking my friend and I if there was anything more to it, but there truly isn't. We just don't fancy each other for starters, we worked together 40 hours a week and made each other laugh. We don't work together anymore. My communication with him even now is entirely transparent, I often phone him when my husband is in the room, to make arrangements to meet up in the pub after work for one pint of cider, then we will go back to his big communal house and hang out with his friends (male and female). I think one can never be too careful in being respectful in this way. if it sounds like over-egging the pudding then that's what I am prepared to do, to make his gf and my bloke feel ok.

Your partner is showing none of the exquisite care needed to make all parties feel happy, secure and not threatened.

Floggingmolly · 10/06/2016 08:57

He always pays as I don't earn much. So you don't actually have joint finances then?
Confused. Just as well really, as he's also footing the bill on his dates with her.

NameChange30 · 10/06/2016 08:57

Do you really have joint finances? I suppose that would explain why you have access to his bank statements. But joint finances makes no sense whatsoever when you don't live together and you're not married.

tiredvommachine · 10/06/2016 09:02

Which phone was the message on, OP?

Original poster
LanaLeder · 10/06/2016 09:02

Thanks all. This thread is hard to read. It's difficult as I understand why people say it's a date, he is not showing full commitment etc, but only I know/see the full context.

Yes, I have to agree, the occasions he has been out with her, it does seem like he is getting to know her better. But she is the one doing all the chasing.

OP posts: