DP seeing female friends before he sees me

[LanaLeder]

Would appreciate some advice as events over the past 4 months have unfolded in a way that has left me wondering whether my DP of 2 years is as committed as I am.

For context, we are both 36 and live apart at the moment, although in the same city. We have busy schedules, and often only see other 4 times a week. Often at 7pm after I have finished my shift.

I have recently discovered that my DP often sees a female friend during the interval after he finishes work at 5pm, and before he meets me at 7pm. I know this particular friend has eyes on my DP and he knows this. He has previously discussed this with her and he has told her in no uncertain terms that despite whatever attraction there may be, he is with me and is not looking to change that.

Despite this, I still feel uneasy as to why he feels the need to still meet her for catch ups, especially just before he comes to me. The idea that he is seeing her just before he sees me makes me feel very uneasy.

Thoughts?

We don't have joint finances, nor do we live together officially, but he is always here. On days he works from 'home', he works from my place etc.

tiredvommachine - that has been playing on my mind. I can't remember which phone. If it was his personal, it means he is hiding things from me and has deliberately deleted the messages.

But she is the one doing all the chasing.

And he's the one doing all the paying.

He shouldn't be chaseable as he's in a relationship.

"But she is the one doing all the chasing."

More excuses.
Maybe you get a kick out of being in a relationship with a guy that other women pursue?
That's the only explanation I can think of.
That or your self esteem is still on the floor after your last partner cheated on you.

I don't understand how you say they've always been friends if it was just 4 months ago they met.

It's all well and good that he says he'll stop meeting up with her if that's what you need - but he is missing a deeper understanding of the situation, in that he doesn't personally see an issue with spending time outside work with a woman he is attracted to and vice versa.

How comfortable would he be in your position? Because being able to put yourself in the position and see another POV is important in marriage.

Now he's kind of made it about you. This is like when I told my DH I wasn't happy with his contact with his Ex. Then he sends her a text saying 'Sandy isn't happy about us keeping in touch, but I understand where she's coming from, so I won't be contacting you again'

I also must commend you for not living with him before a commitment like marriage, bearing your DC in mind. I've seen women do this having discussed marriage, then when he's moved in all marriage talk goes out of the window and they are miserable.

You said you don't feel comfortable bringing a man you're not fully committed to / married to, into your children's lives.
But now you say he's "always here" despite it not being official.
But only I know / see the full context. This, at the very least, would appear to be true

Keeping a relationship a faithful one is not a passive activity. It takes work on both sides. Nobody can get into your relationship unless you let them. He's letting her in.

You're determined to only see what you desperately want to see here.

Best of luck to you.

This thread is hard to read.
Yes of course it is. I can imagine. It is said with love though. Hope you know that. People are concerned for you.

I can see that this is difficult for you OP. I do have to say this though: he is seeing a woman who fancies him, and paying for their evenings ( alone) and he has said she is a Stunner and you are checking his phone for evidence. Do you really think this will make for a happy marriage? It's an awful start to a future that looks very likely to have more of the same.

Yes, he listened and "cooled it off" with her, but it would concern me that he used a device you cannot access to communicate with her, and that her attraction to him is very apparent. Frankly, I wouldn't want to marry a man who makes me feel I have to check up on him because he is seeing someone who fancies him on his own. He is unlikely to make a sea change and very likely to get better at covering his tracks.

Do not do the Pick Me dance. You deserve someone you do not feel a need to check up on. Everyone does.

I am married and if I knew someone fancied me, there's no way I would consider meeting them alone for drinks. It would worry me that your DP thinks that IS OK.

As hard as this may be, I can't help thinking you're whitewashing what happened so you can stay with him.

OP Just review your behavior here for a second. You don't trust your partner. You have snooped at his bank statements, you have snooped at his phone. There's no need to get sidetracked into what he's doing.

You don't trust him. This relationship is over isn't it? Just end it and walk away.

It doesn't matter if OW is doing the chasing: for four months or more your boyfriend hasn't been behaving appropriately for someone who purports to be in a monogomous relationship. He might minimise or deny anything, say he hasn't knowingly done anything wrong, but really he knows fine well!

My DH has always had lots of female friends, but not sexy new ones he met at work, is attracted to, doesn't introduce me to, sees regularly alone and pays for dates with!

Most people wouldn't even put up with that kind of crap from a very new boyfriend, let alone a serious one who is in their DCs' home and lives. Unless there was an agreement to date other people too.

Sorry OP but if you're getting into his emails and trying to crack into his work phone (because, surprise! He's using a phone you can't look at to do it from) it's clear the trust is haemorrhaging out of this.

He's getting off on her fancying him in a grotesquely self-indulgent ego trip - is that kind of man you want to be married to?

Op you have access to his emails and bank details but you consider this not a serious relationship.

that has been playing on my mind. I can't remember which phone. If it was his personal, it means he is hiding things from me and has deliberately deleted the messages. Op you did mention which phone you checked in your previous post. All you had to do was check.

You have avoided why you have accesses to his bank detail even though you claim the relationship is not serious and you don't live together.

If he works from your house sometimes, how does he avoid not seeing your children?

Also, if he can give you access to his work email, why not his work phone

Do you see how things are not adding up.

None of it adds up, becky. Op has either contradicted herself or refused to answer pertinent questions from the off.
Another steaming pile of poo

I know flog

Becky this is the puddleduck/ woman at work thread all over again... Waiting for OP to be keeping us 'updated' from a works do next.

No further updates?...

I came on here looking for genuine advice. Thanks to those who have helped me assess the situation.

Hope it all works out for you, Lana, forewarned is forearmed, as difficult as that knowledge can be, it can really be empowering to have it and be able to plan what you'll do next.

Ignore the last few posters who could have just as easily kept quiet rather than cause more anguish for you in their emotional vampirism. It can be rife here but there's also lots of support. You don't owe updates to anybody either.

Op, hopefully you have got some of the help you needed.

It's not wrong to point things out when it does not add up.

You are looking for help because of the other woman. Hopefully you have found a ways and dealt with it. It's the little details that didn't make sense. Am not a shame to point it out. All you had to was point out why or just say it's non of my business and I would have hoped off.

Good luck, you will need it if what you posted is all true.

Sorry Becky, it wasn't your post I was referring to, it was the posters afterwards, particularly the "Any further updates?" that really grated on me. This is somebody's life, not a source of entertainment and posters like that get right up my nose.