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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - hubby cheating. Quick advice needed

163 replies

Improperlyhappy · 16/05/2016 15:36

Crikey, my hands are shaking typing this. Can't quite believe it, but I've just seen dirty texts from hubby to a random woman where they're planning to meet up for sex this weekend (while he is away with pals on golf weekend...) - she has even sent underwear pics. It's quite graphic, and I'm just gobsmacked.

We have DS7 and DS4 and sex life been erratic, then non existent for about 9-10 months. And he's been working out at gym & buying new clothes recently. I can't believe I haven't seen it coming tbh.

My question is - what do I do? Do I confront him when he gets home? Do I see if he actually goes through with it, check messages later? Or something else? I feel sick, I can't think straight, I want to cry.

PS I wasn't snooping his messages, he had iPad charging in kitchen next to kettle, and when I moved it to make coffee I saw the last dirty message on the locked screen. He's obviously sending them from his phone but maybe not realising that duplicates are appearing on iPad at home Shock Confused Angry Sad

OP posts:
HuskyLover1 · 16/05/2016 15:38

Tell him "I'd pack a very large case if I was you"

Then show him the screen.

Jan45 · 16/05/2016 15:39

Yeah he clearly hasn't realised you are getting copies.

Up to you but I'd not be able to stop myself, I'd be packing up his bags now, he'd be gone, at least until I could process it all, I'd accumulate all my friends for support and I'd take my time and speak to him when I was ready, what's to find out, it's all there in black and white, of course he's intending to go through with it.

inlectorecumbit · 16/05/2016 15:39

Well he has already crossed the line as far as l am concerned. No going back
Let him go and keep an eye on what he is up to. Send all messages to yourself.
Use the weekend to get all your financial stuff together.
Have his stuff packed in bin bags and test him when due to come home not to bother.

CodyKing · 16/05/2016 15:40

Do you want to confront him? It maybe better to wait until he's away and arrange his things to be delivered to his parents - change the locks - and work out what's next.

loobyloo1234 · 16/05/2016 15:41

Confront him asap. This doesn't seem like a situation where you need to find out any more details and hold off? Pack his bags, tell him what you know and send him on his way. Poor you ... hope you're ok :(

Original poster
Improperlyhappy · 16/05/2016 15:41

I'm a confident person usually not afraid of conflict or confrontation at all. But I'm just so scared to start this conversation as I'm scared where it will end up....do I really want to split up, do I want to be alone, does my marriage deserve a second chance, does he want to leave us, God I just can't think. Never thought this would happen to us mug

OP posts:
BibbidiBobbidiBoo1 · 16/05/2016 15:42

I think it depends on how you feel. Apart from hurt and shocked and angry etc.

Hopefully this is the first time anything like this has happened and I guess if you feel you could work through it then asking him about it and seeing his response etc is a good start.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago with an 8 month old dd - we 'tried' to work through things, but when his behaviour didn't change and he started not coming home at night, I walked. My daughter deserved better.

I wish you the best, what ever. Flowers

shoeaddict83 · 16/05/2016 15:44

Pack his bags, leave them outside the door, or in the garage for when he arrives home tonight with the ipad laid on top clearly showing the messages on the screen Says it all...

oh and take screen shots of those messages as proof for the future if they are needed.

loobyloo1234 · 16/05/2016 15:45

Even though you might not want to split up, if you're not brave today, you may regret it further down the line. It doesn't have to be permanent, but i'd confront him while it's fresh in your mind, have his bags packed and tell him you need space if nothing else. Good luck

GlitteryFluff · 16/05/2016 15:47

Yes take screen shots so he can't delete it and deny.

TheNaze73 · 16/05/2016 15:48

I'd be exactly the same as Jan

Good luck OP, nobody deserves to see or have to deal with that Flowers

whensitmyturn · 16/05/2016 15:49

I think you absolutely need to tell him to go, how he reacts will be telling. If he's apologetic, shows remorse then maybe there's hope for the future but you need time for yourself to think things over and be there for the children.

I went through this last year and the best thing I did was to tell him to go.

Senac32 · 16/05/2016 15:49

It's so hurtful, and makes you angry at the same time - I know.
I wish I'd known that men could be like this before I married, but my own Dad was so considerate and gentle. No brothers either.
The only advice I can give is to take some time to let your feelings settle before making a decision, but I think you're going to have to confront him sooner rather than later.

Fragglewump · 16/05/2016 15:50

I peso ally don't think it's the right time to talk. You are in shock and trying to understand what has happened. He has had time to make this right in his head so has the advantage over you. I would tell him you know and tell him not to come home. I would also keep the ipad to see what happened next. So sorry op.

4kinmental · 16/05/2016 15:50

It all depends on what you want to do. He is obviously cheating but what do you see yourself doing? Leaving him? Making him sweat for a bit but take him back after massive grovel? Be prepared that it may mean he leaves you to be with her.
I'm sorry you're going through this, what an absolute arse x

PurpleDaisies · 16/05/2016 15:51

Is there anyone who could take your kids while you deal with your husband? You don't want them to hear you talking about this.

Littleballerina · 16/05/2016 15:51

'I can't quite believe I didn't see this coming'. why would you? He's your husband.
What an absolute arse wipe.

lalalalyra · 16/05/2016 15:53

Screen shot everything and send it to yourself so you have it even when he deletes it.

Then give yourself some time. You don't have to say anything today of you want to take stock and work your plan out.

What is your housing and work situation? Do you have savings? If you need time to put your ducks in a row then take it.

Belle0906 · 16/05/2016 15:57

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I found out before he cheated. We talked, he begged forgiveness and we tried to work through it. Six months later he was at it again. I really wish I had asked him to leave the first time.

In hindsight if someone can have so little respect for you and your marriage they don't deserve to have a second chance or even to explain themselves. Sorry if that seems harsh.

SandyY2K · 16/05/2016 16:00

If you want to repair the marriage... you have to tell him you know. Tell him you'd like marriage counselling to work through it, but he CANNOT go on this weekend .... otherwise "you will be seeking advice from a family lawyer about the future of the marriage "

Now that isn't a threat of divorce ... but of he still goes after you say that .... then he's told you what importance he places on the marriage.

DO NOT tell him how you found out NEVER reveal your sources.... if he guesses then fine.

Tell him you know and that you want to know how long it's been going on. Tell him he hasn't this one chance to come clean FULLY otherwise... repeat the words above about seeing a lawyer.

shoeaddict83 · 16/05/2016 16:02

Sandy has a very good point actually. Ignore my post! Not revealing how you know, but telling him you do know is a good shout.

And if there is part of you that wants to see if you can work through it then telling him hes staying here this weekend to work on it is an excellent way of seeing just how remorseful and serious about your marriage he is.

ALaughAMinute · 16/05/2016 16:05

If I were you I'd make sure the children are out the way and then confront him. It won't be easy but you can't ignore it can you?

Good luck on whatever you decide. Flowers

Original poster
Improperlyhappy · 16/05/2016 16:10

I'm actually thinking im partly responsible because I am largely at fault for the intimacy & sex disappearing. Do I need a good slap for thinking like this? I genuinely don't think this is a long term or repeated thing. I reckon he's just hooking up for sex from the sounds of the texts - they don't know each other. But I haven't had sex in months either, so why hasn't he made more effort to fix us first? Thanks for the advice xx

OP posts:
mickyblueyes · 16/05/2016 16:11

I can fully empathise with this, almost exactly the same thing happened when I was trying to fix my Ex's ipad, shaky hands, feeling sick...Hope your OK.

I had the common sense and composure about me though to forward on the messages to my phone and email, she wasn't denying this one. Unfortunately I wasn't as composed enough to sit on what I'd found out about her. I confronted her straight away...she confessed to it all, I'll never forget the pathetic expression on her face when she'd been rumbled!

It's the worst sensation in the world when you discover what levels of deceit and lies someone you love and trust can go to and you aren't alone. No matter what his reason for cheating is, there is ALWAYS the first option for you to both talk through any problems you may be having in your marriage instead of having an affair.

Only you will know how to handle your awful situation, stay strong hope it all works out for you.

pearlylum · 16/05/2016 16:12

I agree with not revealing the source. But do tell him that you know,

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