Help - hubby cheating. Quick advice needed

[Improperlyhappy]

Crikey, my hands are shaking typing this. Can't quite believe it, but I've just seen dirty texts from hubby to a random woman where they're planning to meet up for sex this weekend (while he is away with pals on golf weekend...) - she has even sent underwear pics. It's quite graphic, and I'm just gobsmacked.

We have DS7 and DS4 and sex life been erratic, then non existent for about 9-10 months. And he's been working out at gym & buying new clothes recently. I can't believe I haven't seen it coming tbh.

My question is - what do I do? Do I confront him when he gets home? Do I see if he actually goes through with it, check messages later? Or something else? I feel sick, I can't think straight, I want to cry.

PS I wasn't snooping his messages, he had iPad charging in kitchen next to kettle, and when I moved it to make coffee I saw the last dirty message on the locked screen. He's obviously sending them from his phone but maybe not realising that duplicates are appearing on iPad at home

OP

Thanks for the update and it's good to hear you're working things out. Your H does seem to be giving you the truth and that helps a lot with reconciling.

Sometimes you have to work on a successful marriage the two of you need to work really hard at trying to keep the passion and maintain a physical connection.

Good luck with everything

MN will always be here, even if you don't accept what each individual is saying to you. Some times you have to learn the hard way. Actually, mostly people do learn the hard way which is unfortunate but seems to be the way of the world.

Excuse, forgive, look for your own faults where there are none, keep the family together at all cots even if your own mental health gets fucked in the process

Nothing new in this world.

OMG, after reading this thread I'm so happy I never asked advice on here when I was going through a similar situation as OP.

I also found dirty text to another woman on DPs phone and confronted him with it. DP told me he started these text because he was bored at work, and was looking for some excitement. DP and I used to have these type of convos but since my promotion I'm no longer able to be on my phone as often anymore. (i know it's not an excuse and it wrong, just saying why)

Despite the shock and the hurt, I decided not to give up on our relationship and let out DCs grow up with parents living in different countries. We've gone to couples counselling and my DP had done everything I asked to prove to me it was a off. This included having a private detective downloading everything from his phone (all conversations, voice messages, photo's, phone calls for the past 2 years) and letting me go through all this so I could see when it happened and that it was only her. He's also done a lie detector test (not that I really trust the outcome but hire valued his willingness to do one).

After all this, I can honestly say we're happier than ever been and learnt to value each other and talk.

I'm shocked at the reactions I've read here stating that it can't be a one off and that he will do it again. Sure OP knows her DH best and will know what is best for her and her relationship. I don't see the need to completely slag him off. You don't know her DH, all you know is what she has told us and that is that he made a terrible mistake. Some people do learn from their mistakes!

OP, I wish you all the best with whatever you decide to do. You are living this life so you know best.

Fighting many people would consider that one duplicitous man was not worth all the effort you went through to prove that he wasn't cheating up until the day you stopped using a private detective and policing all his activities

Unless you plan to continue all that shit for the rest of your lives ?

Widow originally wanting a couple? I can tell he's lying from here. Minimising at its best. When the initial relief wears off you'll realise this bullshit for what it is.

Widow ( he's doing her a favour poor thing) and wanting a couple ( I could have involved you OP ) Twaddle.

he wants to better his appearance, and he said he started doing it to see if I'd start fancying Him again No he didn't OP.

I would really recommend you both read "not just friends" by Shirley Glass. It really helps to explain how these kinds of situations arise and how they can be successfully dealt with, in the circumstances of genuine remorse (also shows you how to recognise this). It's such a good, helpful book, I can't recommend it enough. I hope you are ok, it's really tough I know. x

If hiring a PI and requesting a polygraph puts you at ease, then it's worth it for your sanity and assurance.

Seeing the history gives you the required info on the detail which many BSs require. With this knowledge you can make a decision on whether to reconcile or not.

And next week ? And next year ? Another polygraph, another PI.

It's madness. No man (or woman) is worth that

anyfucker I agree. If it's got to that stage then there is no point.
Trust is not based on the output of a phone or a machine. That's no basis for a relationship.

AnyFucker yes he's been deceitful but that doesn't change the fact I love him and he's the father of my kids. I agree he's made a terrible mistake but just throwing away our life and going through a break up, working out co-parenting and in the end seeing him build up a new life with someone else would have hurt me more if I knew I hadn't even tried to work through it.

After I had confronted him I used the PD and lie detector to ensure he told me the truth (which showed he did, otherwise I probably would have had more issues working through it). For me it was a first step working on the trust issues he caused. I haven't used it after.

OP for what it's worth I think you're making the right decision. You have 18yrs worth of history and happy times together and to throw it all away over one (slightly major) fuck up would be a shame IMO. I genuinely don't understand the reactions here sometimes, I don't see the harm that can come from at least trying - okay, maybe he will fuck up again but maybe he won't and I think if OP left him now she would always be left wondering if they could have worked things out. You don't just throw away years of history when you walk away from such a lengthy relationship, you throw away all the hopes, dreams and plans you had for the future too, people make it sound sooooo easy to do that - the reality is very difficult.

Oh OP what a deeply sad thread.

I respect your decision to try again, but I wanted to make a few comments.

• you've said that you are partially responsible for his behaviour. What an absolute crock of shit. Unless you can tell me that he had sat you down previously and explicitly told you that the lack of intimacy in your marriage would lead to him seeking physical fulfilment elsewhere (did he?) then this is not your responsibility.

Granted it takes two people to make a marriage work but that requires honesty. He didn't give you that. It's great that you are taking responsibility but this isn't on you.

• you are seeking honesty from someone who hasn't been honest. That is a hiding to nowhere. By all means try again but don't assume you have full disclosure.

• he improved his appearance to see if you'd fancy him again? Oh dear. No he really didn't.

By all means do what you need to do to keep your family together but open your eyes OP and DO NOT let him pile a heap of blame at your feet.

I too understand OP's decision and respect her right to make it.

However, this, I don't see the harm that can come from at least trying begs the question "try to what?".

I just can't get past the "he's glad he got caught' part.

He's saying what you want to hear.

RedMapleLeaf - Try and see if the relationship can work!

I can't get past OP blaming herself for him being a sexually incontinent cheat. But easy to blame yourself rather than open your eyes and see what kind of slimeball he really is. Obviously working at a relationship and doing the pick me dance while convincing yourself he is a great man is the perfect solution to such duplicity.

Different people have different definitions of what makes a relationship "work"

If one person has to suck up being lied to, treated like a fool, forced to police their cheating partners behaviour and be the one taking responsibility for them not having seedy encounters in hotel rooms, I wouldn't call that "working"

I have to say I'm shocked at the super-confident people who seem to know me and my family much better than I do. I assume the harsh comments about my total naivety/stupidity and my husband practically being the devil incarnate who couldn't tell the truth under pain of death may be coming from women who've suffered horribly from previous partners, because the level of cynicism and male-hating was really unexpected.

I'm not naive - I'm a confident, educated, intelligent person who knows full well that he may have done this before and he may well do it again, and he may well be lying out of his arse now - but I've weighed up all the other good things about him that I know, and the good things about our life that I've experienced,, and I have decided that I want to at least try to work on our marriage. Contrary to some posters, I do NOT hold myself responsible for his behaviour at all. But I am 50% responsible for creating a not-so-healthy marriage. It's a partnership, we both need to make the effort. I have let my appearance go, put on weight, been hyper-critical of him because he doesn't do things the way I like, put my career before us, and expected him to pick up the slack at home too many times, while I am working or travelling. None of those things excuse his shit behaviour, but nothing exists in a vacuum...

I have now been 'burned' and if I find out any other indiscretions or any other lies, then he will have already used up his chances and I will think very differently about our future. Plus, I'm still not fully decided whether I can actually make this work - I have major trust issues now and if I can't get past that, then there will be little hope for us. For some people, these things may be black & white, but I could never just give up so easily on my family without a fight. I'm still very close to the edge in terms of deciding he needs to go, I'm hurt and angry and keeping my options open.

P.S. He didn't tell me she was a widow looking for a couple, this came from her texts when he let me read them. She sent pictures so I know what she looks like, and I have a note of her phone number, so thanks to a Google search, I also know where her business is located (hundreds of miles from us). But this isn't about her at all. It's about whether me and my husband can treat each other well and decide whether we love & trust & respect each other enough to stay together. Yes the trust & respect has taken a bashing but in my view it's not irreversible.

I am so grateful for the comments & private messages that have helped me keep it together & act sanely & calmly through this horrible time, but I'd thank others to keep their views to themselves if you only want to keeping reminding me I'm a naive idiot or my husband is a pathological lying prick. I asked for advice about how I handle it, I didn't ask for a character assassination not sure I could ask advice on here again, it's too hard on the self-esteem!

Well said OP. Good Luck. I hope things work out for you. And for what it is worth I think you're doing the right thing x

You asked for advice but you had already made your mind up what to do, you are giving him another chance, so do that, if every single person had said ltb would you have? Probably not.

Fwiw, I don't think you're stupid or he is the devil, but I do think you are a bit wet and he's probably been practising his "oh fuck I've been caught" speech for a long time.

It's your life, do what you want, but when you ask for advice and tell all to a bunch of randoms on the internet don't be suprised if not all of the responses are there there you poor thing, people will give very strong responses.

I just don't understand why anyone would give a cheat or a violent partner a second chance, for me they would be out of the door , I would not continue to live with anyone who had zero respect for me, myself and my child deserve better, I would'nt put up with anything less.

I just don't understand why anyone would give a cheat or a violent partner a second chance
Cheats end up doing so for many reasons, and some people can forgive them given the circumstances, and some are obviously unforgivable.
A violent partner is a violent partner, there's no excuse or reason, and they're dangerous. Hardly the same thing tbh.

OP - if it's a "we'd both let ourselves go" thing that kicked it all off for both of you, what if he had included you in his self improvement thing when he decided to do that?
I can buy the wanting you to fancy him again thing, 'cause it's only natural one would feel like the other wasn't attracted to them any more when they seem to have lost interest in sex... But couldn't he have at least talked about it with you?
Good luck with whichever way this goes from here, and I truly hope that your H was just totally inept at covering his tracks due to really wanting to get caught

I agree with memyself.

Just because folk don't agree with you it doesn't mean we are slagging you off. We are on your side. I would wonder how low your self esteem is to blame yourself for this. Who cares how much you weigh or how hard you work. This never, ever gives someone a green card to go online looking for threesomes. I fear you are the lady who does protest too much. And he is upset you found out, not that he is a cheat. When you uncover more, or realise you deserve better, then perhaps you will see we have your best interests at heart. Oh and btw - I would suggest an sti test too. You cannot really believe a word he says. Sorry.

I think your analysis of the situation is very insightful and you are definitely going about it the right way.

Your husband, without a doubt, went to far, much too far...but.... the feelings that have led him to get there are understandable. I've been afflicted by the frustration of lack of sex and all the feelings attached to it and it is horrible. I've been there, and even though I loved my partner like I'd never loved anyone, I felt extremely rejected and unhappy. It wasn't about the sex itself, it was about wanting to feel desired.

So I can understand your husband frustration which might have be made worse if you made efforts to avoid discussing it and looking for solutions which might had made him believed there were none.

Sex is a big part of a partnership for many people (male and female) and lack of can make a big dent in a happy marriage. You seem to recognise your part in it and I think that's all in your honour.

I agree with you that your first issue now is that of trust and whether/how this can be rebuilt, but I don't think this can be deal ignoring the sex issue. The two need to be tackled together, and as much as he needs to give you reassurance that he is worthy of being trusted again, you need to show that you are prepared to discuss your sex life, identify why it stopped and agree to look at ways to deal with it.

You say you've put on weight, could this be related to it, you not liking your body so much any longer, so on one hand you have a man who starting to like his more, and you less, not a great combination. If this is correct, would losing weight be a potential solution? In this case, could you join a gym such as David Lloyd as a family so your children can do activities there whilst you both work out and maybe that shared goal and closeness could help towards wanting to be physically/sexually close again?

Try and see if the relationship can work!

But what does that entail? Monitoring his internet use? Trying to please him? Waiting to see if he does it again? Making herself look more attractive and doing the Pick Me dance?